First off, I want to dedicate this to the ladies because I am what a feminist looks like. There are a lot of good, and seemingly quite nice, women on this list, and many of them have been wronged by some particularly strange and athletic men.
Take that as a cautionary tale. Be nice to your women. Treat them right, or they’ll never date anyone like you again.
Don’t ruin this for everybody.
The following are the most beautiful women who are in all probability done with athletes forever.
I’ve broken them down into four sections:
1. One Foot Out the Door
2. The Jeter and A-Rod Collection
3. Back, back, back, back, back, back…Gone
4. Bank, bank, bank, bank, bank, bank…Gone
Up first, those who have one foot out the door…
First off, for the record: Sterger had taught Favre to text days earlier and he was just holding the thing backwards.
More pertinent: Is the most famous sideline hostess in New York football history prepared to leave the industry?
I can think of one thing prodding her out the door.
Carmen Electra is a very sexual woman (trust me, I know a sexual woman when I see one—I’ve been to second base), but even she had to be turned off by Rodman’s RuPaul impersonation.
Okay, apparently Cheryl Cole is an English pop star, who became a well-known WAG (I literally just learned what that meant yesterday) when she entered into a relationship with English soccer player Ashley Cole. According to Wikipedia (I dig deep for this stuff), the Coles were neighbors when they met. Love subsequently blossomed (as it does) and the two were married. Awesome. All was right in the world. (Cue: Tweeting birds, rainbow.)
But then (bom bom bom...ominous music):
A hairdresser named Aimee Walton emerges claiming she'd engaged in drunken (and worse yet, extramarital) sex with Ashley Cole. Soon after, glamour model Brooke Healy came out and said the same. As you'd expect, things were looking hairy, but the couple reconciled.
And then about 6 months later, it came out that Ashley had cheated on her with at least five more women.
Things were at their hairiest and they broke up, Cheryl citing her husband's "unreasonable behaviour" as the cause.
What are you doing Ashley Cole?! Show some respect! Not just to her, to me! We aren’t all dating girls of this caliber (sorry, baby j/k, haha)! Appreciate what you got!
Okay, anyway…totally cool with it. Again, I’ve been to second base.
Let’s move on.
Time to get specific.
From Alex Rodriguez's as of yet unpublished (and totally made up for the purposes of this article) biography:
And (Alex Rodriguez’s father) stared down at the boy, his brow black from the dirt, his eyes stinging with sweat.
“Alex, my son… I see something special in you. Something that you probably can’t even see yet.”
Alex: “No, no. I definitely see it.”
Well, with or without Alex Rodriguez, I'm pretty sure she's making out now.
Who asks who if they look fat in what they're wearing?
How big of an ego hit would it be for A-Rod if Cameron told him she was only dating him to get back at Kate Hudson for dating Justin Timberlake?
I watch too much E!...
Will Vanessa ever reengage with a sportsmen? I doubt it.
She’s currently engaged to Nick Lachey, and if Nick Lachey can’t hold down a marriage…
Okay, Jessica Biel is pretty cute :) Cute enough to make me put a smilely face in a piece of writing. So take that for what it’s worth.
Why do I think she’s done with the WAG-life?
Because post-Jeter, the girl went out and she landed herself Timberlake. And that, my friends, is a home-run.
Apparently Biel and Timberlake broke up in March of this year, which is particularly unfortunate because it means I lose my royalty rights to the tag-name: "Timberbiel," which I'd sold to both Entertainment Tonight and the Outback Steakhouse.
1. These are the WAGS who are not coming back.
2. This marks the first and only appearance of Chris Berman on this list.
After Dwyane Wade and Siohvaughn split, Siohvaughn kind of flipped out. She went through—I believe—nine lawyers in filing frivolous lawsuits against Gabrielle Union, she lost custody of her kids, and she accused Wade of contracting an STD in an extramarital affair.
It wasn’t good, and I think we can end it there.
I don’t want to play too hard with stuff that seemed legitimately painful, nor do I want to give the impression that I’m unnecessarily poking fun at the Miami Heat in general.
The Miami Heat in general. It’s open season on LeBron.
Ah, you know what? I’m even feeling a little bad for this one.
Also, I’m pretty sure Gloria James could beat me up.
(Re: Delonte: It wasn't true.)
Shields earned her WAG moniker via a two-year marriage, six-year relationship with Andre Agassi.
Why isn’t she coming back?
Because she got married again, of course. To a television writer. And he wrote her a happy ending. See what I did there?
Currently, Adriana Lima is married to Marko Jaric, who I don’t believe qualifies as a basketball player.
Might Sheryl Crow be considered a performance enhancing drug?
She works for ESPN, so I’m not sure that she’s done forever...but for propriety’s sake she’s taken to dating this guy.
Once married to Sergei Federov (according to Federov), and engaged to Federov’s Russian teammate Pavel Bure. Anna Kournikova has since gone on to date perhaps the most famous pop-singer in the world, Enrique Iglesias, who has made approximately one song that I like.
Long story short—I don’t think she’s leaving Iglesias, which means that her future may not be in sports. And many would argue it hasn’t been for a while.
Upon learning of the prostitutes, Atkinson dumped Ronaldo.
Upon learning of Atkinson, the prostitutes became convinced that they were dressing too conservatively.
*This is a joke, of course.
Why do I think the woman who once threatened to sleep with the entirety of a baseball team is now pursuing romantic interests through other avenues?
Consider her inclusion on this list my calling her bluff.
Verbal agreements are binding in the state of California, and Alyssa Milano is the one entry for whom I have something in writing.
Milano, from People.com: "I'd love to just find a good plumber or doctor."
Because if there’s two professions that are remotely similar…
I couldn’t find a picture of her, but I found a nice one of Marv Albert.
(Ps-Sorry Marv. Everyone makes mistakes and I love your announcing.)
Credit where it’s due: A lot of the women listed below were rich before the settlement.
Regardless, also credit where it’s due: Tiffany's, Dolce & Gabbana…J. Crew?
(Side note: I feel like I could’ve made that a lot funnier if I had any knowledge of where women spend a substantial amount of money. I called my sister, but it’s 2:00 in the morning and she yelled at me. So, unless there’s a women’s store called, “It’s 2:00 in the morning, go f yourself,” I think she was angry.)
Didn't they name a basketball movie after her. Where some guy dressed as a WNBA star?
I feel f’ed up writing about his one. In a few slides, we’re going to talk about Tony Parker’s (still alleged) affair. This is the woman he (again, allegedly) had it with.
She was (allegedly) Brent Barry’s wife.
I can’t even think of a joke for this one (save for adding one extra 'allegedly'). I’m just depressed.
How do you cheat on Halle Berry? Moreover, how does Halle Berry get cheated on twice?
Either everyone she’s dated has already seen Monster’s Ball, or she’s in need of a more distinguished, writer-type. A guy with curly hair and glasses, and who appreciates women like he does a fine wine—i.e. he gets weak at the knees and he literally cannot handle more than one or he’ll black out.
What I’m trying to say is I’ll totally date you Halle Berry provided that we don’t have to drive anywhere.
I like Mike Tyson, but this video is horrifying.
What did they talk about while they were driving home?
Can I just say this?
Brady’s never won a Super Bowl without Moynahan.
Eat your heart out New England.
Interesting fact: Eva Longoria moonlights as a jockey.
Long life the queen. Elin is beautiful, just 31, and just a little bit financially independent.
That said, there is literally nothing I could write that would be more apt then this tweet I accidentally stumbled upon while researching this slide.
Ladies and gentlemen…
If Elin Nordegren didn't use a "Nike Forged Iron"(tm) on his car & face, Nike should get their sponsorship money back 4 breach of contract.
Have a great night everyone. Be nice to your women.
(And if you're a woman, be nice to yourself.)