NBA: Biggest Questions Ever

Royce JeffreyContributor IIIMay 31, 2011

NBA: Biggest Questions Ever

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    MIAMI, FL - MARCH 10:  LeBron James #6 of the Miami Heat posts up Kobe Bryant #24 of  the Los Angeles Lakers  during a game at American Airlines Arena on March 10, 2011 in Miami, Florida. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downl
    Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images

    What would be the questions you would want answered if you happened to be in the company of the NBA’s most famous players? I've compiled a list of some of the most pressing questions you might have for 11 of the NBA's most impressive players.

    Everyone does 10 with these lists, I’m going to do 11. Why?

    Two reasons: If you want 10 then Letterman is on weeknights at 11:30, and because on the court, one-on-one games are played to 11, not 10.

    So let’s say that we're in rehab (hi Doc and Darryl) with all these 11 players in an open forum. What would be the first question that you'd ask them, assuming you wouldn’t catch an NBA sized beatdown afterward?

Kobe Bryant

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    LOS ANGELES, CA - APRIL 26:  Kobe Bryant #24 of the Los Angeles Lakers dunks the ball over Emeka Okafor #50 of the New Orleans Hornets in the second quarter in Game Five of the Western Conference Quarterfinals in the 2011 NBA Playoffs on April 26, 2011 at
    Pool/Getty Images

    Did you do it?

    Why did the relationship go sour between you and Shaq? Was it because you snitched on him?  Did teammates take sides to the point where there was a team Kobe and a team Shaq? If so, your team was pretty sparse, wasn’t it? Think you could beat Shaq’s new little buddy D-Wade in a game of one-on-one?

    And why did you change your number from 8 to 24?  Were you trying to say that you were one better than MJ?  Eight is such a seminal number, whereas 24 is only good if you’re referring to rim size or beers in a case.

    Let’s get back to Shaq; what was he like drunk? Did he smoke the reefer? I've seen some of his movies (Steel, Kazaam), and that seems like the only logical explanation.

    I think Shaq's over there in the corner rippin’ on you as we speak. Let’s see how he responds to a few questions of his own.

Shaquille O'Neal

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    PORTLAND, OR - DECEMBER 6:  Shaquille O'Neal #32 of the Miami Heat goes up against Joel Przybilla #10 of the Portland Trail Blazers during the game on December 6, 2007 at the Rose Garden in Portland, Oregon.  The Blazers won 112-106.  NOTE TO USER: User e
    Jonathan Ferrey/Getty Images

    Why did you never spend more time working on your free throws? You cost many teams games, and you could have had thousands more points in your career.  Kareem (who was taller than you, albeit with smaller hands) managed to shoot .720 for his career. Your career average is .527. I understand some drop off due to your size, but not this drastic. Seven out of your 19 years were spent shooting under .500!

    Where do you rate yourself overall compared to other big men in the history of the NBA? Above Hakeem?  Above Patrick? Above Russell? 

    You clearly don’t like Dwight Howard very much. Who do you think would win in a fight if you both were in your prime? If not Howard, over your career, which player do you think would have given you the best challenge in a scuffle? 

    You are the owner of some of the biggest feet, but you've had some of the worst shoes designed for them. Why would you wear those?  Did you ever like some of the atrocities they came up with?  The Reebok pump was pretty cool though, I’ll have to admit that.  But what was up with the white socks-black shoes thing that Miami had going on?

Dwight Howard

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    PHOENIX - FEBRUARY 14:  Dwight Howard of the Orlando Magic emerges from a phone booth wearing a Superman cape during the Sprite Slam Dunk Contest on All-Star Saturday Night, part of 2009 NBA All-Star Weekend at US Airways Center on February 14, 2009 in Ph
    Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

    Did you think of Shaq when you took his Superman routine? To be fair, I don’t remember Shaq ever putting on a cape and outfit. He never entered the dunk contest either. I know Shaq was more of a power slammer, but it would have been cool to see him come up with something fun for the event.

    With regards to your Man of Steel performance, Shaq responded “everything he’s done, I’ve invented, so I’m not impressed…I can’t be impressed by something I invented in ’92.”

    Well Shaq, Arthur D. Pennington (former Negro Leaguer) says that you stole it from him, and he’s fixing to put an old man beating on you and those blown knees. Geez, even Nancy Kerrigan’s knees weren’t that bad right after the whole Tonya Harding incident!

    Furthermore, Shaq looks more like someone stuck the bald head of Professor X on the Incredible Hulk than Superman.

    And now, on to the proverbial anti-hero.

Allen Iverson

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    CHICAGO - FEBRUARY 20: Allen Iverson #3 of the Philadelphia 76ers moves against the Chicago Bulls at the United Center on February 20, 2010 in Chicago, Illinois. The Bulls defeated the 76ers 122-90. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees tha
    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    Only the strong survive. You have that tattooed on your arm, but in the NBA, the stars are defined not just by survival, but by winning. Aside from one game in the finals early in your career, you never won anything except for street cred; that is, unless you count driving all those coaches out of town. 

    And congratulations, you got out of practice plenty of times. That’s right, I’m talking about practice, the second most quotable press-conference P-word. Do you think your performance was better than Jim Mora’s “playoffs?” rant? 

    Did your “me against the world” attitude keep you from being a better teammate? What was with your childish refusal to become a role player later in your career when your skills had clearly deteriorated? You said that you would rather retire than come off the bench. Did you mean to say that you would rather play in Turkey?

    Speaking of players who shouldn’t be role models...

Charles Barkley

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    28 Feb 1999: Charles Barkley #4 of the Houston Rockets hangs from the hoop during the game against the Los Angeles Lakers at the Great Western Forum in Inglewood, California. The Lakers defeated the Rockets 106-90.    Mandatory Credit: Elsa Hasch  /Allspo
    Elsa/Getty Images

    If you had to pick either Magic of Bird to be your teammate to try and take down Jordan and get a ring, who would you have picked? 

    Just mentioning Michael leads me to another question. You two gambled a lot, did you ever gamble against each other? If so, how much did you win or lose? What's the most you've ever blown in one night? What are your overall gambling losses? You probably lost as much gambling as Kenny Smith, your partner on TNT, made in his entire career.

    You gambled on the court when you went to Houston for the final four years of your career, but you were injured. Olajuwon and Drexler were past their prime, and all you walked away with was the right to say you played in by far the most detestable NBA uniforms ever invented.

    Oh and if you see him, ask Hakeem why his career started off with him being called Akeem.  Who just gets letters added to the beginning of their name? It would be like if you came into the league being called Arles. Maybe if Olajuwon had played long enough he would have expanded it to Chakeem.   

    Very odd, but not nearly half as odd as our next player on the question block...

Dennis Rodman

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    10 Jun 1998:  Dennis Rodman #91 of the Chicago Bulls in action against John Stockton of the Utah Jazz during the NBA Finals Game 4 at the United Center in Chicago, Illinois.  The Bulls defeated the Jazz 86-82. Mandatory Credit: Jonathan Daniel  /Allsport
    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    During your career, who battled you the most for a rebound out there? Better team, the Bad Boy Pistons or the 72-win Bulls

    How did you get started on the whole hair-dye thing? Did anyone inspire you? How did you choose the colors: Did you have a team of dye-advisors or was it your own idea? Did you ever spray it yourself, or did you always have someone else doing it? 

    You kicked a cameraman. Other than fighting fans, do you rank this as the most despicable act a player has ever committed in the NBA?  Did he remind you of some uncle who used to tease you when you were younger? Your response to the incident was that it was “heat of the moment” and that you could have done a lot worse things to him such as “punched him in the face.”  Do you still agree with that? Did you take $20 from your mother growing up and say “at least it wasn’t $50?"

    We now go to a guy who is everything you're not.

John Stockton

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    LOS ANGELES - NOVEMBER 26:  John Stockton #12 of the Utah Jazz drives against Andre Miller #24 of the Los Angeles Clippers during the game at Staples Center on November 26, 2002 in Los Angeles, California.  The Jazz won 99-94.  NOTE TO USER: User expressl
    Robert Laberge/Getty Images

    Why did you always wear short shorts even after the rest of the league moved on to less revealing styles? Those were shorts that most guys wouldn’t be caught dead in at a public beach, but you kept on wearing them right up until the end.

    You looked like a real Dad at a company picnic with those things, but then again, It was always rare to see thugs on those Jazz teams, let alone many players out of line. Are you all secretly Mormon? What are you laughing at over there, Malone? I have some questions for you too...

Karl Malone

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    21 Apr 2001:  Forward Karl Malone #32 of the Utah Jazz works around center Shawn Bradley #44 of the Dallas Mavericks during their first round playoff game at the Delta Center in Salt Lake City, Utah.  <DIGITAL IMAGE> Mandatory Credit: Brian Bahr/ALLSPORT
    Brian Bahr/Getty Images

    Why did you always dunk one-handed? Unlike Stockton, you just couldn’t share, could you?  Speaking of which, hey Barkley, why did you always dunk two-handed? Was that a case of bad control issues?

    Speaking of control, the Jazz lost all of theirs when you missed those two free throws at the end of the game, Karl. It was nerves, wasn’t it? You were no slouch at the line, shooting just under .750 for your career after starting your first two seasons around .500 (take note, Shaq).

    Did MJ get in your head? Did he call all of your picks moving? Did he say huntin’ and truckin’ were for hicks? Your cargo could certainly be bricks. Was that the biggest disappointment of your career? I suppose the mailman doesn’t actually deliver on Sunday, which brings me to my next question...

Scottie Pippen

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    CHICAGO - DECEMBER 1:  Scottie Pippen #33 of the Chicago Bulls cheers his teammates during fourth-quarter NBA action against the Milwaukee Bucks at the United Center December 1, 2003 in Chicago, Illinois. The Bulls defeated the Bucks 97-87.  NOTE TO USER:
    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    Why did you say that James was better than Jordan? Is there some sort of beef between you and MJ or you and the Bulls? Did MJ not pass it to you enough in your career?

    And why do you spell your first name with the girly "i-e" ending instead of the more manly (manlie?) "Y" ending? Can you imagine Jerrie West or Larrie Bird?  I cant either. But that voice of yours is fairly manly. Is it getting deeper and deeper each year? By the time it’s all over you're going to sound like a set of rusty clippers at a barbershop whenever you go to talk. Sign language may the only option.

    And now, according to you, we're on to the Greatest ever...

LeBron James

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    MIAMI - NOVEMBER 13:  Forward LeBron James #6 of the Miami Heat complains  against the Toronto Raptors at American Airlines Arena on November 13, 2010 in Miami, Florida. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or usin
    Marc Serota/Getty Images

    Why can’t you take it like a man when you don’t get a call from the refs on the court? I mean, I know men across the country are drinking light beer, openly wearing pink and washing themselves with loofahs, but come on, there has to be some room left for being a man in sports.

    Next question: Why did you take off Game 5 in last year’s Eastern Conference semifinals against the Celtics? Was it because you knew you were getting out of Dodge? How long had you been planning this whole little Justice League collaboration down in Miami?

    And while we’re on the topic, the question that everybody wants to know: Who gets more tail, you or D-Wade? When you have a bunch of girls lined up in front of you at the club waiting to go back to your place (you probably go to their place so they don’t find out where you live), do you sit down in front of everyone and announce your decision as to where you will be taking your “talents” that night?

    Finally, a few questions for the greatest of all time (sorry Scottie, maybe we can beam you up some sense).

Michael Jordan

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    23 Jan 1998:  Michael Jordan #23 of the Chicago Bulls dunks the ball during the game against the Miami Heat at the United Center in Chicago, Illinois. The Bulls defeated the Heat 84-77.   Mandatory Credit: Jonathan Daniel  /Allsport
    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    Who were your best friends on the team? Did you have any?

    You beat the crap out of Steve Kerr, why? What was it like with you and him after that? If Iverson or somebody like Ron Artest hit someone they are labeled a thug or a punk, but if you do it, you’re just a competitor. Do you think that’s right?

    Sometimes I wonder if you’re the greatest of all time, or just a dick. You hardly ever signed autographs for anyone in your career, what was up with that? They say that was due to safety, but that never stopped Tiger or Ali. You could have signed some if you really wanted to, huh?

    And despite all your endorsements, you actually hated Gatorade, didn’t you?

    Finally the questions that may never be answered: What was the real reason you retired for the first time?