Guilty Pleasures

The 1st Annual WAG Hall of Fame Class

Timothy RappFeatured ColumnistJune 1, 2011

The 1st Annual WAG Hall of Fame Class

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    With the engagement of Kim Kardashian and the NBA's Kris Humphries, another infamous WAG has been taken off the market. It is time to enshrine Kim Kardashian in her proper place—the WAG Hall of Fame.

    Thus, we at Bleacher Report present The First Annual WAG Hall of Fame Class. These are the world's most famous (or infamous, as is often the case) WAGs, known worldwide for the relationships they keep with athletes.

    So how does one become enshrined in the WAG HOF? By dating multiple sportsmen, dominating the headlines with a relationship to a famous athlete, or by being one of the world's most iconic beauties, of course.

    And so, it is with great honor that Bleacher Report presents the 2011 inductees into the WAG Hall of Fame.

     

    Note: All "Acceptance Speeches" were made up for the purposes of "humor."

20. Tawny Kitaen

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    Her Credentials

    Well, for one thing there is this. (This has got to be the greatest music video ever made. I mean, they combined rock 'n' roll, sex and cars into one simple yet effective male fantasy. Well played, Whitesnake.) Kitaen is also likely the Hall of Fame's craziest and most violent inductees, having agreed to a plea bargain in 2002 on "spousal abuse and battery charges alleging she attacked her husband," former MLB pitcher Chuck Finley. The two divorced that year.

    The WAG Hall of Fame loves a juicy controversy.

     

    Her (Fake) Acceptance Speech

    "Here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I've ever known. Like a drifter I was born to walk alone. And I've made up my mind—I ain't wasting no more time.

    "Screw you, Chuck Finley. You better watch your back, momma forgets nothing. I will waste you, believe that. Thank you, Hall of Fame, for this wonderful honor."

19. Anna Benson

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    Her Credentials

    Anna Benson is married to ex-MLB pitcher Kris Benson. She has made waves in the media on more than one occasion, once telling Howard Stern that she would sleep with the entire Mets roster if Kris ever cheated on her. She also made headlines after telling a magazine writer she and Kris had sex in the parking lot of Three Rivers Stadium, and planned to do so at every stadium in baseball.

     

    Her (Fake) Acceptance Speech

    "Once, I was just a stripper in Georgia, struggling to get by. And then I met Kris, my wonderful, rich, baseball-playing husband. Suddenly, I had the opportunity to become a public figure, and I milked my 15 minutes for all they were worth. I'm hot, controversial, and one of the most famous baseball wives in history—obviously, I had to be a first-ballot selection."

     

    Photo from FHM

18. Irina Shayk

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    Her Credentials

    The Russian Shayk, relatively new to the WAG ranks, is an inductee for two reasons:

    1. She is hotter than blacktop on a summer day in the city.

    2. She has been in a relationship with the well-known womanizer, Cristiano Ronaldo, for nearly an entire year. That's impressive.

     

    Her (Fake) Acceptance Speech

    "Am I inexperienced compared to other WAGs nominated? Yes. Do I even like game of soccer? No. Is my boyfriend biggest man-slut in history of European soccer? Likely. Am I so hot he fears losing me? Of course—after all, I heat up Russian men more than bottle of vodka. American pun-writer Timothy Rapp once said I make the men Shayk in the boots. He is brilliant, brilliant man."

17. Sara Carbonero

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    Her Credentials

    During the 2010 World Cup, allegations ran rampant that the Spanish television reporter distracted her boyfriend, Spanish goalie Iker Casillas, in Spain's loss to Switzerland. Carbonero had been voted FHM's Hottest Reporter in the World, an honor she obviously deserves.

     

    Her (Fake) Acceptance Speech

    "You know, I really would rather be thought of as a great reporter, and not a soccer WAG. I know I'm dating an athlete, but I would be a well-known figure even without my goalie boyfriend. Nonetheless, I'm honored to be complimented on my beauty, and hopefully my induction will prove to future generations of WAGs that they don't need to be reliant on the fame of their boyfriends or husbands to have successful careers themselves."

16. Carmella DeCesare

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    Her Credentials

    You're looking at the picture, right? What other credentials does she need?

    In all seriousness, however, Carmella DeCesare is the wife of ex-NFL quarterback Jeff Garcia, and was Playboy's Playmate of the Year in 2004. Enough said.

     

    Her (Fake) Acceptance Speech

    "Can you believe that Terrell Owens once implied my hubby was gay? What a jerk. I think I'm pretty solid proof that my man is a heterosexual. Hell, he's one of the luckiest men on the planet, being married to a smoldering-hot WAG Hall of Famer such as myself. Eat your heart out, TO."

15. Jessica Simpson

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    Her Credentials

    Simpson's well-publicized relationship with Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo became controversial when the two took a trip to Mexico in 2008 during the Cowboys' bye week prior to Wild Card Weekend. Post-Romo, Simpson became engaged to ex-NFL tight end Eric Johnson in 2010.

     

    Her (Fake) Acceptance Speech

    "I don't know why y'all got so bent out of shape when me and Tony took a vacation to Mexico, but I can tell you I wasn't a distraction. Heck, I bet I kept him in shape during his week off, wink wink. I'm just glad Tony or Eric didn't like in Buffalo, where all those buffalo live. I don't like buffalo wings, because I don't eat buffalo. Wait, what was I talking about? Where am I?"

     

    Photo from Warner Brothers

14. Kendra Wilkinson

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    Her Credentials

    Wilkinson is the former girlfriend (well, one of three) of Hugh Hefner on the E! reality show The Girls Next Door, and is now married to NFL player Hank Baskett. Essentially, she became famous because of one boyfriend, and was ushered into the realm of WAGdom by another boyfriend. Any lack of fame prior to becoming a WAG, and subsequent publicity after becoming a WAG is the sort of criteria the WAG Hall of Fame looks for.

     

    Her (Fake) Acceptance Speech

    "Hugh, I owe everything to you, even if our intimate life was one of the most disturbing things I ever put myself through. I mean, you are one wrinkly dude. Hank, let's milk our time in the spotlight while we can, baby—I'm not sure where obscurity is, but I've been told that's where we are headed. But I don't plan on moving there yet!"

13. Brooklyn Decker

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    Her Credentials

    Supermodel Brooklyn Decker is the world's most famous tennis WAG, as she is married to tennis player Andy Roddick. Famous supermodel WAGs are always a favorite for induction into the Hall.

     

    Her (Fake) Acceptance Speech

    "When it was announced I would be on the cover of Sports Illustrated's 2010 Swimsuit Edition, my mother cried with joy. Upon learning I had been inducted into the WAG Hall of Fame, my husband shed tears of pride. Thank you, Bleacher Report."

12. Minka Kelly

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    Her Credentials

    Actress Minka Kelly graces this list for two reasons:

    1. She is hotter than a lobster in a boiling pot of water.

    2. She has been in a relationship for three years—seriously, THREE YEARS!—with baseball's consummate playboy, Derek Jeter. I mean, this guy dated just about every hot chick ever. An impressive snag by Kelly.

     

    Her (Fake) Acceptance Speech

    "Derek and I should be remembered as one of the true power couples in sports history. We're coming for you, Tom and Gisele."

     

    Photo from Esquire

11. Elisha Cuthbert

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    Her Credentials

    Actress Cuthbert—who is dating Maple Leafs' defenceman Dion Phaneuf—was unwittingly thrust into the Hockey WAG headlines when NHL player Sean Avery made the following comments in 2009 regarding her relationship with Phaneuf:

    "Uh, I'm really happy to be back in Calgary. I love Canada.

    "And I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about.

    "Enjoy the game tonight."

    Cuthbert has also been linked to NHL player Mike Komisarek, making her the most thorough Hockey WAG in recent memory.

     

    Her (Fake) Acceptance Speech

    "Damn you, Sean Avery. The only sloppy thing you should be worried about is your reputation, you goon."

10. Danielle Lloyd

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    Her Credentials

    Lloyd is one of the most notorious soccer WAGs in recent memory, having dated English footballers Teddy Sheringham, Marcus Bent and Jermain Defoe. The former Miss Britain 2006 (she was forced to forfeit her title after posing for Playboy and amidst rumors she was dating Sheringham at the time, as he was one of the judges) is engaged to another English footballer, Jamie O'Hara.

     

    Her (Fake) Acceptance Speech

    "While many Americans claim that soccer is a slow-moving and low-scoring affair, I think I am proof that there is more scoring in soccer than Americans give the game credit for."

9. Alyssa Milano

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    Her Credentials

    Actress Alyssa Milano dated MLB pitchers Carl Pavano, Barry Zito and Brad Penny, and was rumored to have dated catcher Russell Martin. She is one of the most highly-publicized baseball WAGs in baseball history.

     

    Her (Fake) Acceptance Speech

    "I believe in the Church of Baseball. I've tried all the major religions, and most of the minor ones. I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I heard that, I gave Jesus a chance. But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology. You see, there's no guilt in baseball, and it's never boring...which makes it like sex."

    "If anyone could sum up how I feel about the game of baseball, it's one of my favorite characters in movie history, Annie Savoy. Thank you for this honor, Bleacher Report."

8. Cheryl Cole

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    Her Credentials

    Singer and model Cheryl Cole was married to English footballer Ashley Cole, though the two divorced after it became public that Ashley Cole allegedly cheated on his wife with five different women.

     

    Her (Fake) Acceptance Speech

    "I know I'm hot, and I know I was famous before this whole thing with Ashley happened. But let's be honest—I'm also giving this speech because of the scandal. That's how this WAG thing works, I get it. Frankly, I'm surprised Elin Nordegren wasn't inducted, given everything she went through. Maybe if she had been named FHM's Sexiest Women Alive twice as I was, in 2009 and 2010, she would have made the list."

     

    Photo from FHM

7. Gemma Atkinson

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    Her Credentials

    Atkinson was engaged to soccer player Marcus Bent, and was linked to Cristiano Ronaldo and Alan Bent as well. Frankly, were it not for her WAG status, most American men would know of her acting or reality television career. Actually, it's likely most American men still don't know about her acting or reality television career.

     

    Her (Fake) Acceptance Speech

    "Some say I supplemented my career with my WAG status and subsequent forays into modeling. Perhaps I did, though I don't see any men out there complaining. Thank you, Bleacher Report, for honoring me by placing me in the WAG Hall of Fame—I deserve this!"

6. Adriana Lima

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    Her Credentials

    Supermodel Lima is (curiously) married to Serbian basketball player Marko Jaric. She is often cited as the most glaring example of an athlete dating way above his level, as she is one of the most beautiful women in the world and Jaric wasn't much of a player during his stint in the NBA.

     

    Her (Fake) Acceptance Speech

    "Listen everyone, you need to leave my hubby Marko alone. It's not his fault that he lucked out when I decided I wanted to marry an athlete for publicity, but one that was below my status and popularity. Frankly, all of the 'Why him?' questions that surround our marriage have been great publicity for me. Thank you, Bleacher Report, for adding to my legacy with this induction!"

5. Eva Longoria

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    Her Credentials

    Actress Longoria famously dated Spurs point guard Tony Parker, though the two divorced after Longoria claimed she found hundreds of "sexts" from a former teammate's wife, allegedly Brent Barry's wife Erin. The Barrys also divorced.

     

    Her (Fake) Acceptance Speech

    "While I know I would have probably made the WAG Hall of Fame even without the scandal involving Tony—I was regularly seen courtside at Spurs games, the only aspect of the Spurs game that was sexy—it is painful to know I was a must-have in the Hall given the scandal. It is a dangerous game to play when dating athletes, ladies."

4. Kim Kardashian

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    Her Credentials

    Before becoming engaged to NBA bench player Kris Humphries, Kardashian was linked to Reggie Bush, Miles Austin and even Cristiano Ronaldo. Impressively, Kardashian has branched off into three different sports as a WAG, making her a clear first-ballot Hall of Famer.

     

    Her (Fake) Acceptance Speech

    "My life is a reality show—this is just another episode."

3. Gisele Bundchen

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    Her Credentials

    Brazilian supermodel Gisele is married to New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, forming one of the most iconic couples in the world today.

     

    Her (Fake) Acceptance Speech

    "While I am proud to accept this induction into the WAG Hall of Fame, I should point out that I make more money than my husband. He may bring home the bacon, but I bought the farm."

2. Victoria Beckham

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    Her Credentials

    Before Tom and Gisele were the preeminent power couple in sports, there was Becks and Posh.

     

    Her (Fake) Acceptance Speech

    "If you wannabe my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Make it last forever, friendship never ends. If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give. Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is. That's all I would like to say."

1. Marilyn Monroe

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    Her Credentials

    And before there were any of this women inducted into the Hall of Fame today, there was Marilyn Monroe and Joltin' Joe DiMaggio. As this is a posthumous induction, we should note that Monroe has also won the "Legendary WAG" award this year. Congratulations to her.

     

    Her (Fake) Acceptance Speech

    While Miss Monroe obviously wouldn't be able to comment on her award, we believe she would have said the following: "I don't mind being burdened with being glamorous and sexual. Beauty and femininity are ageless and can't be contrived, and glamour, although the manufacturers won't like this, cannot be manufactured. Not real glamour; it's based on femininity."

     

    Be sure to hit me up on Twitter (@TRappaRT) along with the entire B/R Swagger team (@BR_Swagger)

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