Brett Favre: Drama Queen

In light of recent developments surrounding one of the media's most favorite players (like, ever!), I present to you excerpts from the upcoming Brett Favre soliloquy.

"Hi, I'm Brett Favre. Do I make you smile?"

"Wow, people really liked how I turned my car over like a stupid tailgating teenager and came back from the dead. Maybe I can keep on playing this up."

"Watch me throw that ball. Don't you see how I inspire people with those longballs? Don't you wish you could throw the way I can throw? Don't even need a playbook, Coach Holmgren just gives me something like "X42Post route" and I translate that into "ThrowdeepBrett." Sounds good to me coach."

"Hey look at me running around in the Super Bowl. I love the game. Can't you see how much I love the game? No one else loves the game like I love the game."

"Man, it's so hard, being addicted to painkillers. Don't you see how drugged up I am all the time? How else could I have started 420 games in a row? I can't even feel pain anymore. Except when I'm with you, Peter King."

"Hey there, lemme cry again. See my tears? I'm genuine. Real. Human. The rest of the guys, they're machines. I breathe like you."

"It's just so hard, so damned hard for me to play football. What so many people dream about doing every day. Don't you know how much it hurts to have an adoring fanbase and a beautiful wife and two kids? My life sucks man."

"Oh, look, we've won the game. Instead of running out the clock, why don't you let me roll out to get sacked by Strahan. It just shows how nice a guy I am. Ain't I cuddly?"

"Kornheiser's right, I can't do stupid things like game manage. Don't coaches know how simple football is? I run back, I throw to someone with same helmet as me, no coverage or especially triple coverage."

"Hmm, I'm thinking about retiring. It just sounds like a nice idea, retiring so early. But do you guys want me to go? If you want I can come back, just for you guys. Especially if you talk more about how great I am."

"Time for me to retire again. Or maybe? Or maybe not? The dilemma is too much for me. I might as well soak Aaron Rodgers's jersey in doe urine while I'm at it. I'm hilarious."

"Man, my team is good. They're young. They're definitely good because of one person, and his name is Brett Favre. We struggled last season because these guys couldn't catch up with me, the grizzled gunslinger. Now Ryan Grant and Greg Jennings are getting all the pub? Time to start airing that ball out so Madden and Kornheiser can keep on talking about how great I am."

"Oh whoops, an interception. Well, you can't go to the Super Bowl all the time. But they decided to make me a game manager. Don't they know me? I'm Brett Favre, I throw ball and people catch it. If the other team catches it, my teammates let me down. No wonder I lost. I can't handle these 13-3 seasons anymore."

"Maybe it's time to go. But hey, if I want to come back, I can come back right? I did so much for these guys, and this is only like the seventh time I've said I'm retiring. I'll just walk into training camp and get my job back. Isn't that what the real world's like?"

"The true fans will follow me wherever I go, even if it's Minnesota or Chicago. They know that the Green Bay is in the wrong here, no matter how well they do without me. I made Packer Nation. It should be my right to beat 'em up twice a year, no matter how much it hurts them."

"Here I am in New York. Where the hell's the deer? Oh God, I think I might have to retire again, they're making me game-manage. Gotta complain to the media so they clean up this mess and let me be the Favre that everyone loves. I've just gotta be a kid out there, y'know?"

"Aaron Rodgers might be a quarterback someday. But he ain't me. He ain't me, Brett Favre. Every time they mention him they mention me. If he throws a deep spiral it's Favre like."

"Can't let Green Bay forget about me, no matter how promising their season might look. I might be in New York now, but if this Rodgers kid gets good I got trouble on my hands. Better call up the Lions, since they seem like a quality team. They'll rough up Aaron good."

"Wow, we lost to Oakland. Why'd my teammates let me down? I brought them back in the fourth quarter and they couldn't get the job done. If you're not having as much fun as me, I'll start hunting you guys and stuffing you in lockers. And Peter King will defend the move because he knows everything I do is for the love of football."

"I'm Brett Favre. If you didn't have me, you'd be nothing."

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