The Sports Hangover: 25 Party Animal Athletes
The Hangover Part II comes out this week, so we thought it would be appropriate to pay tribute to those athletes that are not afraid to have a good time when they go out.
We're not talking about a Ben Roethlisberger good time or a Pacman Jones good time. Nobody wants to end up in a jail cell at the end of the night.
We're talking about guys who would join you for an epic one-night binge, but would also be around for a 2 p.m. Denny's run the next day.
Here's the list of 25 athletes we'd love to welcome into our one-man wolf pack.
25. Patrick Kane
Who: Patrick Kane - Chicago Blackhawks right winger, 2010 NHL First Team All-Star.
Preferred Location: Limo.
Trademark Move: What Happens in the Limo - You have to respect a man that regards the confines of the limo as a cone of silence where anything goes. You also have to respect a man who takes the lead by taking his shirt off with the hopes that the ladies in the limo will follow suit.
24. Michael Jordan
Who: Michael Jordan - Former Chicago Bulls guard, five-time NBA MVP, six-time NBA Finals MVP.
Preferred Location: As close to the camera as possible.
Trademark Move: Too Close for Comfort - Everybody has that friend that gets way too drunk and pulls you over to the side to talk to you. Unfortunately the conversation takes place about three inches from your face and you come away with more spit on your face than information. But still, how could you turn down a chance to party with MJ?
23. Barry Zito
Who: Barry Zito - San Francisco Giants pitcher, 2002 AL Cy Young Award winner.
Preferred Location: Hipster Bar (members-only jackets are a plus).
Trademark Move: The No-Face - You take a bottle of booze from behind the bar, take a huge swig, and prove it's "no big thang" by keeping a straight face afterwards. The punishment for making a face? You guessed it, another swig.
22. D.J. Strawberry
Who: D.J. Strawberry - Former University of Maryland and NBA guard.
Preferred Location: Frat house basement.
Trademark Move: Hat-Man - We all know that guy who gets wasted and ends up taking the hat off of a party-goer's head and wearing it for brief periods of time before ditching it for a new hat. Yeah, that's D.J. Da-na-na-na-da-na-na-na...Hat-Man!
21. Greg Oden
Who: Greg Oden - Portland Trail Blazers center, former No. 1 overall pick.
Preferred Location: A wall, or any other surface sturdy enough to support his weight.
Trademark Move: Back That Thang Up - Why go dance with a girl when you can stand by the wall and wait for her to come to you? When you're as tall as Oden, it takes a serious squat to get into appropriate position for the girl to "back that thang up," but once you do she's locked in for the night.
20. Grady Sizemore
Who: Grady Sizemore - Cleveland Indians outfielder, three-time All-Star.
Preferred Location: VIP room.
Trademark Move: Happy Guy - Some people get angry and try to fight people when they get drunk. Others get sad. But not Sizemore. The drunker he gets, the happier he gets. I mean, if you had that girl by your side I think you'd be smiling a lot too.
19. Jay Cutler
Who: Jay Cutler - Chicago Bears quarterback.
Preferred Location: Sports bar.
Trademark Move: Blind Taste Test - This move takes a lot of skill and precision, but if done correctly it can be very impressive. You close your eyes while someone gives you a shot, mixed drink, beer, whatever. If you can appropriately name the drink correctly, you get another drink. If you name it incorrectly, you get...well...another drink.
18. Joakim Noah
Who: Joakim Noah - Chicago Bulls center.
Preferred Location: Island beach.
Trademark Move: Beer Bottle Juggling - If you go on an island vacation you'll notice that local beers are pretty cheap—the only problem is that most people can only carry two at a time. Because of the tremendous size of Noah's hands, he's able to carry six beers in each hand...immediately making him the most popular guy at the party. If you look at the rest of the pictures, you'll see why he was in such a hurry to get back to the shore.
17. Joel Zumaya
Who: Joel Zumaya - Detroit Tigers pitcher.
Preferred Location: High school friend's backyard.
Trademark Move: Once It Hits Your Lips - Zumaya is an average, mild-mannered, tattooed flamethrower when he enters the party. But once he gets that sweet taste of beer in his mouth he turns into a party machine. Maybe he didn't injure his wrist playing Guitar Hero after all.
16. Mehmet Okur
Who: Mehmet Okur - Utah Jazz forward/center.
Preferred Location: Penthouse apartment.
Trademark Move: A Strange Okur-ence - How could a guy that looks like this get girls that look like that? We need to party with him and find out.
15. Ryan Howard
Who: Ryan Howard - Philadelphia Phillies first baseman, 2005 NL Rookie of the Year, 2006 NL MVP.
Preferred Location: Any club on "Hawaiian Night."
Trademark Move: I'm Drunk, Kiss Me - This is an important move for someone in your crew to have. A large percentage of the time it will end in disaster, but you will be talking about that one time it did work for months afterwards.
14. Tim Lincecum
Who: Tim Lincecum - San Francisco Giants pitcher, Two-time NL Cy Young Award winner.
Preferred Location: Bar Mitzvah or wedding.
Trademark Move: Center of Attention - If people are dancing, chances are one of those circles will break out where everyone backs off and one person gets in the middle to show off his awesome moves. There's always one drunk guy that jumps in the middle and makes a fool of himself. When you're out with Big Time Timmy Jim...he's your man.
13. Casey Hampton
Who: Casey Hampton - Pittsburgh Steelers defensive lineman, five-time Pro Bowl selection.
Preferred Location: Standing on something.
Trademark Move: The Buddha Belly - As much as they say they love rock-hard, six-pack abs, there's nothing ladies love more than rubbing on a big fat belly. That's why Casey Hampton would come in handy on any all-nighter.
12. Eli Manning
Who: Eli Manning - New York Giants quarterback.
Preferred Location: On stage.
Trademark Move: Livin' On a Prayer - You might think that karaoke bars are a lame place to party. Eli begs to differ and, once he gets on the mike and lays down those golden vocals, you'll see how the ladies flock towards him.
11. Kyle Orton
Who: Kyle Orton - Denver Broncos quarterback.
Preferred Location: Soap box.
Trademark Move: Now Hear This! - This is the move where you shout at the DJ to turn the music down because you have a special announcement. Once everyone's quiet you jump on the bar and perform a toast as you babble a series of indecipherable words that inevitably ends with "I seriously love you guys!" Nobody quite knows what you've said but everyone erupts in applause and drinks anyway.
10. Dirk Nowitzki
Who: Dirk Nowitzki - Dallas Mavericks forward, 2007 NBA MVP.
Preferred Location: Near a bed.
Trademark Move: T-Shirt Time - Sure, he's about to pass out. He's even wearing a woman's earring. But notice how the girl is already into an oversized t-shirt. A move to the bedroom must be in the near future. Dirk, you sly dog, you. Yup...it's t-shirt time.
9. Matt Leinart
Who: Matt Leinart - Former USC and current Houston Texans quarterback.
Preferred Location: Overpriced mansion backyard.
Trademark Move: FunnelMaster - The only guy you love more than the one taking funnels is the guy giving them. At the symposia in ancient Greece there was a man designated to make sure that everyone was always at the appropriate level of drunkenness. Matt Leinart is carrying the torch into the 21st century.
8. Matthew Stafford
Who: Matthew Stafford - Detroit Lions quarterback.
Preferred Location: RV park.
Trademark Move: Tandem Keg Press - Talk about multi-tasking—Stafford finds a way to get his workout in while partying, and even solicits the help of a friendly young woman. Well played, Stafford. We definitely want this guy at our party.
7. Tony Romo
Who: Tony Romo - Dallas Cowboys quarterback, three-time Pro Bowler.
Preferred Location: In the DJ booth.
Trademark Move: The Sing-Along - Popularized at college bars around the nation, the sing-along is a surefire way to prove to the ladies that you're cool enough to know the words to Don't Stop Believing. As long as we have Tony Romo near us, we never will.
6. Steve Nash
Who: Steve Nash - Phoenix Suns point guard, two-time NBA MVP.
Preferred Location: Very, very dark club dance floor.
Trademark Move: Too Sexy For My Shirt - You have to admire a man who's willing to give the ladies a preview of the goods. Here Nash is saying, "look but don't touch," which is sure to attract the women to him. We can go after his runoff.
5. Dustin Pedroia
Who: Dustin Pedroia - Boston Red Sox infielder, 2007 AL Rookie of the Year, 2008 AL MVP.
Preferred Location: Wherever they let him jump over the bar.
Trademark Move: "I AM THE BARTENDER!!!" - At the beginning of the night he jokingly asks the bartender if she wants him to take over for her. Later, after about five shots, he makes good on his offer and jumps over the bar shouting his catchphrase for all to hear.
4. Pat Burrell
Who: Pat Burrell - San Francisco Giants outfielder.
Preferred Location: Poolside.
Trademark Move: The Machine - Sometimes you feel like you should question a guy's methods, but then you see the type of girls he's with and decide to just roll with it. For an explanation...sort of...read the article from SF Weekly.
3. Jeff Reed
Who: Jeff Reed - Former Pittsburgh Steelers place kicker.
Preferred Location: College bar.
Trademark Move: Shirt Removal - Everybody knows that guy who, when he hits the first signs of inebriation, immediately removes his shirt. Combined with the blowout hairdo, the shirtless look is sure to grab the attention of nearby ladies.
2. Mike Dunleavey
Who: Mike Dunleavey - Indiana Pacers guard/forward.
Preferred Location: Near a Garbage Can.
Trademark Move: Puke 'N Rally - Usually when a friend gets too wasted and vomits all over the bathroom, it puts and end to the night. But rare individuals like Mike Dunleavey are able to puke, "reset the clock," and then drink like it's the beginning of the night.
1. Jonny Gomes
Who: Jonny Gomes - Cincinnati Reds outfielder.
Preferred Location: Locker room, training room, anywhere that has access to protective wear.
Trademark Move: Not That Kind of Cup - Yes, that is Jonny Gomes funneling beer out of a protective cup. No, it's not the first time he's done it. We're not sure if it's been worn, but either way it's something we'd like to see.
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