Is Fox Sports' Criticism of Clinton Portis the Worst Thing Ever Written?

I’ve never heard of Adam Best, but after what he wrote for FOX Sports on Tuesday, it should officially be illegal for him to have thoughts ever again. His words, followed by my reactions to them:

Clinton Portis posted MVP-caliber numbers this past Sunday, but true MVPs don’t let their squads lose to the lowly St. Louis Lambs.

Lambs? Get it? See what he did there? ‘Cause lambs are less intimidating than rams. With wit like that, I can already tell this column is gonna be the awesomest.

By now, everybody’s heard Portis’ grumbling about his Washington Redskins not having their mind right heading into the Rams game, but the person who really needs to pay close attention to those comments is Clinton Portis himself.

So, are they the Lambs or Rams? This is getting confusing. And what you’re saying is that Portis is the only one on the team who didn’t have his mind right for the game? Okay, I’ll bite. Please explain.

I have a hard time swallowing this “Mr. Serious” spiel from Portis. After all, this is the guy who’s concocted more stupid characters than Eddie Murphy played in “Norbit.” This is the guy who once chuckled with Chris Samuels about Michael Vick’s dogfighting ring. This is the guy who once wore a Ric Flair-style gold title belt on the Denver Broncos’ sideline, despite not being the champion of anything I’m aware of.

The most recent event mentioned happened 20 months ago, included Norbit, which I can’t say I’m familiar with. Timely references, indeed. There’s a lot of bullshit to sift through here, but I think your point is that a player cannot be fun off the field and serious on the field, which is fucking ridiculous. I’m quite certain that Clinton Portis takes football seriously.

Portis can run around in phony championship belts and play all the fake characters he wants, but until he displays some real character, his Skins aren’t going to win any real championships.

I’m not sure how you measure character on a football field, but if effort, passion and results have anything to do with it, Portis has as much of this character you speak of as any player in the league. And just to reiterate: Portis hasn’t worn phony belts or played any characters at all this entire season…or preseason…or 2008 calendar year.

Portis has six rushing TDs on the season and leads the league in both rushing attempts (136) and yards (643). Recently, he has been even more impressive, posting three consecutive 100-yard rushing performances. Portis also hasn’t fumbled yet this year and is a stud blocker in pass protection. But the Redskins need more—they need Portis to be their unquestioned leader.

What more can he do to be this “leader” you speak of, aside from the accomplishments you just mentioned? Should he be calling the plays in the huddle? Screaming at his teammates? I honestly have no fucking clue what “they need Portis to be their unquestioned leader” means, given what he does for this team where it counts: on the field.

Jim Zorn is a first-year coach who isn’t exactly Tom Coughlin when it comes to his temperament. Jason Campbell hasn’t done enough yet to be the true leader of that locker room. Mr. Taylor just got to Washington. Chris Cooley is too busy accidentally exposing himself on the Internet. If someone’s going to step up and be the face of the Redskins, it’s going to have to be you, Sheriff Gonnagetcha. What’s truly “gonnagetcha” team somewhere is you stepping up and becoming a leader. Portis should have let his teammates know they weren’t taking a desperate Rams team seriously enough.

Clearly, Adam Best has spent so much time in the Skins locker room that he can inform us of who is the leader in there and who isn’t. Also, the character was “Sheriff Gonna Getcha”…and it was retired THREE FUCKING YEARS AGO.

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