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This is the hardest preview I will have to write. Because after everything I wrote about my beloved Yanks, it seems mind-bending to drop the surging Rays behind them.

Rays fans might point to my Yankee fandom for that decision. I point to a lineup that might end up making the 61-win 2006 Devil Rays look like their 2008 god-fearing (and American League Pennant-winning) counterparts.

Outside of Evan Longoria (who has only played in 8 games), the Rays’ lineup is a collection of disappointing prospects, underachievers, and mediocrities (or as I like to call them, has-been’s, never were’s, and never-will-be’s).

Light-hitting sophomore catcher John Jaso has taken over the bulk of the receiving duties, because starter Kelly Shoppach—acquired in the offseason from Cleveland to provide some offensive production—is batting eighty points below his career .231 batting average. Casey Kotchman, a former Angels top prospect who was once the centerpiece of a trade for nine-figure first baseman Mark Teixeira, has just 50 career homers and .261/.329/.393 line over an eight-year career. Rays fans are excited because he has a .355/.437/.452 line thus far over 62 ABs.

Ah, the continued hilarity of small-sample sizes.

Reid Brignac, another former blue chip farmhand, has been a complete letdown, but Tampa has been obligated to keep him around because they don’t have another shortstop on the roster. His .195 slugging percentage is identical to his batting average. No, that’s not a misprint.

Sam Fuld and Matthew Joyce are cheap holdovers until Tampa’s reinforcements—notably Desmond Jennings, long-regarded as a potentially more talented version of the departed Carl Crawford—can reach the big leagues. Johnny Damon continues to do Johnny Damon things, like having a .285 OBP as a DH but appear valuable to the media because he has four walk-off hits.

Meanwhile, BJ Upton continues to be the most disappointing member of the legendary Upton triplets, falling far short of the achievements of brothers Justin and Kate.

Ben Zobrist seems like the sole bright spot, as he seems to be on the road to putting up a peasant’s version of his uniquely absurd 2009 season, where he posted 27 HR, 91 RBI, 17 SB, a .291/.405/.543 line and finished eighth in the MVP voting—all while giving new meaning to the phrase “super-utility-man” by playing every single position besides pitcher and catcher.

Yet somehow, with every member of this offensive collection of offensive mediocrities—except for Kotchman and career .261 hitter Matt Joyce, who has clearly (yes, that’s sarcasm) morphed into the 21^st century version of Stan The Man with a .351 average in 2011—achieving up to or around the height of their stone age-era ceilings, they remain atop the American League East. Despite the fact that I could have sworn they trotted out Fred McGriff to play 1^st base last night.

Is that Reid Brignac?

They are 14^th in the Majors in runs scored, despite being 20^th in hits and 23^rd with a .309 OBP. Three-oh-nine! The fact that seven teams have OBP’s lower than that should be indication enough that the steroid era is almost certainly behind us.

Yes, I have gone thus far without mentioning their stellar rotation, which is the biggest reason that this staggeringly awful offense remains a component of a contender.  Jeff Niemann, yet another top draft pick, has been a colossal disappointment and is the unit’s sole weakness. David Price, Wade Davis and Jeremy Hellickson—25, 25 and 24, years old respectively—front a scary rotation that could dominate for the remainder of the decade. James Shields looks like he remembered what made him Tampa’s ace in ’07 and ’08, then got bitten by a radioactive spider, turned into a Norse God, and had his pitching arm replaced with a robotic prosthesis.

As they say, pitching wins championships. But what happens when Casey Kotchman remembers that he’s really, really bad? What happens when Tampa stops magically finding ways to score runs, even though they only have runners on base 30 percent of the time? Remember, this is a team that’s in the middle of the pack in runs scored right now and is vastly overachieving offensively. When the shit—er, Matt Joyce—hits the fan, not even a robotic mutant pitching god, Bartolo Colon’s workout regiment or zombie Johnny Damon will be able to save them.

But hey, if Manny takes his suspension now, he’ll be back by the middle of September. 

(If you thought you were going to make it through a Rays piece without a Manny joke, you clearly don’t know me very well.)

PREDICTION: 87-75, 3^rd in AL East. 

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