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Look at this roster:

Starting Pitcher 1: 15-13/3.87 ERA/173 K

SP2: 13-9/3.60 ERA/141 K

SP3: 12-9/3.30 ERA/203 K in  204 IP/5 Shutouts

SP4: 14-12/4.01 ERA/169 K/3 Shutouts

SP5: 12-14/4.51 ERA

Closer: 40 SV/1.66 ERA/1.00 WHIP

C: .281 AVG/30 HR/101 RBI

1B: .259 AVG/26 HR/84 RBI as a rookie

SS: .324 AVG/10 HR/52 RBI

3B: .298 AVG/.396 OBP/600 SLG/47 HRS/118 RBI/17 SB…MVP

CF: .277 AVG/36 HR/116 RBI and a Gold Glove

DH: .282 AVG/29 HR/101 RBI and a Gold Glove

Now that is some kind of nucleus. That team would win you a championship. 

Ladies and gentleman, now taking the field here at the sparkling new Yankee Stadium, the house that the YES Network built, your 2003 Major League All-Stars!

Confused? Let’s put some names to those bloated statistics:

Bartolo Colon: 15-13/3.87 ERA/173 K

CC Sabathia: 13-9/3.60 ERA/141 K, first All Star Appearance

A.J. Burnett: 12-9/3.30 ERA/203 K in 204 IP/five shutouts (2002 statistics substituted for injury-eliminated 2003 season)

Kevin Millwood: 14-12/4.01 ERA/169 K/three shutouts

Freddy Garcia: 12-14/4.51 ERA

Mariano Rivera: 40 SV/1.66 ERA/1.00 WHIP

Jorge Posada: .281 AVG/30 HR/101 RBI, third in MVP balloting

Mark Teixeira: .259 AVG/26 HR/84 RBI as a rookie

Derek Jeter: .324 AVG/10 HR/52 RBI

Alex Rodriguez: .298 AVG/.396 OBP/600 SLG/47 HRS/118 RBI/17 SB…MVP

Andruw Jones: .277 AVG/36 HR/116 RBI and a Gold Glove

Eric Chavez: .282 AVG/29 HR/101 RBI and a Gold Glove at 3B


Not too shabby of a roster for a team with championship aspirations. Especially for one designed to compete in one of the most bloated offensive seasons of the steroids era. Problem is, I don’t believe Doc Brown is available for hire as team trainer, and I have a pretty strong inkling that the team bus is operated by Greyhound Lines—not the DeLorean Motor Company.

Everyone whose stats were listed here is on the Yankees’ 2011 40-man roster, or in the case of the rotting corpse that is Kevin “Replacement Level” Millwood, at some point since the beginning of Spring Training.

Problem is, the performance has been much what you would expect from a team full of has-been's and never-were's. Andruw Jones and Jorge Posada appear to be emaciated imitations of their former selves, and are riding the bench as a result. Eric Chavez, with a .303/.410/.424 line through 39 PA, was shining with glimmers of the potential that hadn’t manifested itself since he last played anything that resembled a productive full season of his prime, in—you guessed it—2003. That was before he hit the DL. Again. Chavez hasn’t played more than 90 games since 2006, and had appeared in under 35 in each of the last three seasons.

Derek Jeter, who broke a near nine month homerless streak with two jacks yesterday, has endured endless speculation over whether or not his illustrious career has come to a screeching halt. A-Rod has remained productive, but has strayed far from the “Greatest Player of All Time” path he appeared to be on a few years ago.

But somehow, at least until the time of writing, the Yankees have weathered the storm. Apparently, Colon and Garcia found room in their shrunken seven-figure paychecks (poor them) to afford to purchase a working classic. After all, that can be the only explanation for their stunning resurrections. Besides the fact that they’ve pitched a combined 62 innings.

(I can assure you, that will not be the last reference to the futility of small sample sizes. Or DeLoreans. Or the last time I use sarcasm to make a point. Or….well, you’ll see.)

They’ve found an answer for the untimely collapse of Jorge Posada and defensive inefficiencies of top prospect Jesus Montero with another second coming—albeit a much more reasonable one—in Russell Martin.

Of all the dramatic things...

Martin was a faster, better fielding Joe Mauer before he was Joe Mauer, but had his last two seasons derailed by attitude issues and injuries. He’s cooled off since his unfathomably slow start, but seems to have regained at least some offensive production.

But I’m not going to let my status as a 2003 All Star—er, Yankees—fan to blind me to the harsh realities that surround my favorite team, especially with their pitching staff. Let’s examine an appearance vs. reality situation. Or as I like to think of it, the difference between listening to a John Sterling/Suzyn Waldman broadcast, and not thinking with cognitive capabilities similar to those of a person who just had an railroad spike stuck through their skull:

What you would hear on the WCBS 880 Broadcast:

Suzyn Waldman: “Jawwwwwn! Of all the dramatic things I’ve ever seen, Bartolo Colon just hit 97 MPH on the radar gun for the fourth time tonight!” 

John Sterling: “Ain’t baseball great?”

 
What someone who didn’t think like Phineas Gage would think to themselves:

First of all, Suzyn, wipe the tears out of your eyes, and look closer at the radar gun. That seven is a one. It never was a seven. The last time Colon saw a reading of 97 was when he stepped on his bathroom scale for the first time as a five year old.  

Johnny and Suze.

Nevertheless, it is quite surprising that Colon has kept up his average fastball velocity at around 91 MPH, considering the fact that he’s 38 years old, is about 80 pounds heavier than his Spring Training media guide listing of—not a joke—185 pounds, didn’t pitch at all last season, hasn’t thrown 100 innings over a full season since early in the second half of the Bush Administration, and that, at first glance, he would look more intimidating to a stack of pancakes than to an opposing batter.

But hey, I guess there are no warning signs that would suggest he’s bound to fall off. Especially because 90 of his 99 pitches were fastballs in his last start. And that's a good thing. You know, because he's been throwing 97. 

880 Broadcast:

John Sterling: “You know, Suze, there were certainly questions surrounding the Yankees starting rotation coming in, but you better believe they’ve been answered. A.J. has been A-Okay, Steady Freddy’s been Ready and Nova is Super! And imagine if they trade Montero for King Felix. Think about it: you come in with all these questions, and you end up with a top of the line outfit. That’s baseball for you, Suze.” 

Suzyn: “It sure is, John.”

 
Not Phineas Gage:

The only question that’s been answered is whether or not you two are idiots. And that question was answered long before this season.  For all the hoopla surrounding Burnett and his supposed fast start, he still has an ERA in the high threes, and it can’t be forgotten that last year’s disastrous season started on a similarly positive note. Freddy Garcia hasn’t posted an ERA under 4.20 since the last time Colon threw 100 innings. Phil Hughes arm is about to fall off for all we know. And ‘Super’ Nova has an ERA over four, has yet to pitch into the seventh inning and has a 1.1:1 Strikeout to Walk Ratio. And if the Mariners end up trading their 25 year old superhero ace for a DH, GM Jack Zduriencik belongs in the booth with you two. 

 
Someone put John and Suzyn out of their misery. Please. For the rest of us.

Prediction: 91-71, second In AL East, Wild Card

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