Sports Stories of the Year Become Daytime TV

Jeffrey SantonAnalyst IJanuary 18, 2008

For one day we are going to go ahead and take the riveting world of daytime television programing and dedicate it to sports.

Same shows, same hosts, same content, with the simple concept of incorporating this year in sports stories to the the TV programs you just can't live without.

Move over Tracy, you'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out which one of the twelve men you tested is your baby's daddy; today we have some other issues to address.                  

In our 11 to 12 o'clock time slot we have a great show planned.

Mr. Maury Povich will be speaking with players from Major League Baseball in regard to the Mitchell report. One by one, players will be brought on stage to hear the results of the lie detector tests. We asked each athlete whether they had or had not used performance enhancing substances. 

Here we go: "Yes MLBers, we asked you if you have ever taken performance enhancers to improve your play on the field or extend the amount of playing time in your career. You said no...the lie detector determined that was a lie. You ARE a cheater!"

Next up on today's Jerry Springer Show, we will address several topics, from rain and the men who make it, to strip clubs and the men who can't stay away.

Our guest will be a man that goes by the name "Pacman." He was involved in a strip club scuffle after "making it rain" (a phrase referring to someone throwing money into the air causing dollar bills to fall from the sky as if they were raindrops.) The end result of said rainstorm was a paralyzed employee of the gentleman's club due to a gunshot wound. "Pacman" was also recently involved in second strip club scuffle that this time involved a female who is at this time serving as his divorce attorney.  

Jerry! Jerry! 

And don't miss an all new episode of Dr. Phil featuring Terrell Owens, in an emotional heart-wrenching story. He will profess his love for his quarterback and beg the people to "not blame his quarterback" for their recent playoff loss to the New York Giants.

This tear-jerking tale stemmed from many fans' belief that quarterback Tony Romo was responsible for the team's loss. All because of a recent vacation he took to Mexico with newly-acquired girlfriend Jessica Simpson.

Dr. Phil's tough love will really set these people straight, if they'll only read his books and buy his tapes. I challenge you to watch it and not cry.

Next up, on Judge Judy we have some great cases. On today's docket we have quarterback Mike Vick, the man accused of funding a large dog fighting ring as well as allegedly torturing and killing dogs who didn't fight well enough.

Other cases lined up to face the judge herself are a crooked NBA referee, Randy Moss restraining orders, the Juice, our friend Pacman (seen today in earlier programming), the Cincinnati Bengals and much, much more! Watch the good judge hand down some tough sentences with humor and sarcasm. 

Attention: There's been a slight change in our regularly scheduled programming. Today's episode of Seinfeld will be seen at a later date due to the fact that we're messing with Eli Manning.

Instead, we have a very special episode of Supernanny. Today, our special nanny will be helping Isiah Thomas regain control of his New York Knicks.

She finds them to be unruly brats that throw frequent temper tantrums and threaten  Isiah when he doesn't let them play when and where they want to. Supernanny suggests just giving up for the first time ever on the show. 

Finally, our lineup of great television will come to end with an episode of the show you can't get enough of: Cheaters. On this episode, in partnership with Bill Belicheck, (codename: "the hoodie") we will be secretly following NFL coaches. We will be taping their every move hoping to uncover what all those crazy hand signs and gestures really mean.

A followup episode is planned to show you those signs' true meanings and how the knowledge of them can lead to undefeated seasons.  

With the direction that sports news is going between arrests, allegations, conspiracies, nothing better to report on between Sundays, and just plain good old-fashioned gossip, we should have a day of this very special action-packed programming available to you again soon.

We are actively working on a great piece that uncovers the modern day marvels of grown men with gigantic heads that won't stop growing. It takes place at a baseball field and is drawing similar interests to that of the famous bearded lady that you can see at your local circus. 

Be sure to tune in.