Kristin Cavallari & the 25 Hottest Celebrity WAGs in the NFL

K BFeatured ColumnistMay 6, 2011

Kristin Cavallari & the 25 Hottest Celebrity WAGs in the NFL

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    Controversial quarterback Jay Cutler and self-proclaimed bitch Kristin Cavallari recently got engaged after Cutler got on one knee (bum bum bum!) and proposed to her in Mexico.

    Now that she is married to Cutler, she can finally relax, surf and hang out at nightclubs because she is taken care of now.

    You know, because that is way different than what her former life was.

    In dedication to their recent engagement, I give you the Top 25 Celebrity Football WAGS.

    You're welcome.

No. 25: Elisabeth Hasselbeck (Tim Hasselbeck)

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    When I first saw Elisabeth on Survivor: The Australian Outback, I distinctly remember thinking: "Wow, I can't get enough of this Elisabeth character. She is so hot. I hope I see her again."

    When she joined The View, I got exactly what I asked for, which led to a strange reaction.

    Her opinions not only made me want to vote her back on to an island, but they also made me want to jump out of a plane without a parachute on.

No. 24: Hilary Rhoda (Mark Sanchez)

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    Hilary Rhoda is only one year older than I am and she is a world famous model who gets to travel the world and is adored by thousands.

    Thanks Hilary.

    You've made me feel like a loser. Now I don't want to get out of bed anymore.

No. 23: Kendra Wilkinson (Hank Bassett)

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    Kendra was recently booted from Dancing With the Stars.

    I don't care either.

    Let's move on.

No. 22: Missy Peregrym (Ben Roethlisberger)

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    Missy Peregrym claims that she was a tomboy as a child, which makes her the millionth girl who has tried to pass that lie to the general public.

    Girls who were true tomboys at a young age are all playing in the WNBA or professional softball right now.

No. 21: Kim Kardashian (Reggie Bush, Miles Austin)

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    Kim Kardashian has been on this website very often; I bet a casual fan could tell facts about Kardashian only her family should know.

    I would show you a picture that features her famous tail, but I don't like to scare people with things that could terrorize an entire city like Godzilla.

No. 20: Britney Spears (Matt Leinart)

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    Britney Spears has been rumored to have a fling with Matt Leinart. 

    She could have just shaken his hand for all I care. Just as long as I can put a hot picture of a sexy Britney Spears up for all you lovely people.

    I just have to say being at my computer, thousands of miles away from Britney is the distance I enjoy. Yes, she is fine now, but that doesn't mean she could suddenly snap and act like a mental patient again.

No. 19: Selita Ebanks (Omi Umenyiora)

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    I don't know who created the fabric for this dress, but I am willing get on my hands and knees to kiss their feet and cry out "I'm not worthy" repeatedly until the end of time.

    Anyone who sees her should do everyone a big favor and dump a bucket of water all over her every time she is wearing this dress.

    I cannot emphasize this enough.

    Every. Single. Time.

No. 18: Anna Burns (Wes Welker)

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    In her first novel Bones, Anna Burns reminisces about her childhood in Belfast during the Troubles, a period of ethno-political conflict in Ireland....


    Never mind. That is some other Anna Burns, who is an author and probably a lot less attractive.

    Anna Burns is just some babe who Wes Welker sold his soul for. .

No. 17: Jamie Lynn Sigler (Mark Sanchez)

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    If you haven't seen the Sopranos, then you're missing out on one of the greatest television shows of all time.

    If you've been wasting your time watching Big Bang Theory, don't bother because you don't deserve the satisfaction of watching a good television show.

    Anyways, Sigler has an incredible strip tease scene, which by itself makes this reason enough to watch.

No. 16: Carie Prejean (Kyle Boller)

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    Carrie Prejean is married to Raiders quarterback Kyle Boller.

    Prejean went through tough times when she had an honest, controversial comment about gay marriage, as well as a nude photograph.

    I could honestly write a rant about Perez Hilton, his two-year-old drawings and his love of calling anyone he hates gay, but I will spare you a 1,000,000 word essay. 

    And I totally support anything that has something to do with Carrie Prejean being naked.

No. 15: Carrie Underwood (Tony Romo)

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    Carrie Underwood dated Tony Romo before he dated Jessica Simpson.

    One side of me applauds her good girl persona.

    Then there is the side where I want her to be wild and crazy so I can creep on revealing pictures of her. 

    This battle that rages in my head is at a level of intensity comparable to the Hatfield's and Mccoy's.

No. 14: Kristin Cavallari (Jay Cutler)

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    Kristin Cavallari just got engaged to controversial quarterback Jay Cutler.

    Personally, I love Cutler. I don't understand questioning a guy's toughness when his teammates back him up and he never complains despite having one of the worst lines in the league and having to deal with diabetes every day of his life.

    I also don't understand hating a guy because of a look on someone's face. Is he supposed to cheese out like a cheerleader? No one knows what he is thinking. And I love the fat guy ranting and raving about a guy's toughness when he is sitting comfortably in his 72 degree house. 

    But who cares about that nonsense. Settle this debate my friends and I have:

    Kristin or Audrina? My vote is for Kristin and I am in the minority. Please solve this.

No. 13: Jessica Simpson (Tony Romo, Eric Johnson)

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    At the moment I am typing this sentence, Jessica Simpson is skinny and hot.

    But who knows? She could blow up like a balloon again by next week.

    Make up your mind Jessica, you confuse me. Apparently Oprah has passed the torch.

    I don't deserve that. 

No. 12: Jessica White (Terrell Owens)

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    Jessica White has been connected to Terrell Owens.

    She has also been connected to Sean Penn.

    What is this magical pixie dust Spicoli uses to lure hot females like White and Scarlett Johansson into his bed? It's like he is a stranger holding a candy bar for an unsuspecting, innocent child. And they fall for it every time.

    Baffling. Absolutely baffling. This type of thing makes me react just like the little girl from Exorcist.

No. 11: Nadine Coyle (Jason Bell)

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    Before I started writing for this website, I had no clue who Nadine Coyle was, let alone any of the other girls were from Girls Aloud

    I'm pissed about this. How could someone not tell me about a group that is famous for their looks and sings generic pop songs?

    Those are such a rarity!

No. 10: Gisele Bundchen (Tom Brady)

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    Of course everyone knows that Gisele is with Tom Brady.

    I don't know who the photographer was for this picture, but he deserves a briefcase full of crisp 100 dollar bills and a free trip to Disneyland.

    Anyone who has the bright idea of having Gisele jump into a vat of cocoa butter and then wear a top to make her boobs look bigger should get anything he wants.

No. 9: Sophia Bush (Tony Romo)

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    Bush was rumored to have been with Tony Romo.

    Despite having a name that makes me giggle, she also has an impressive acting resume.

    She is on CW's One Tree Hill, as well as movies like John Tucker Must Die.

    Why she hasn't been awarded an Emmy or Oscar is a real bee in my bonnet. Neither award councils will answer any of the hundreds of letters I wrote.

    Seriously, though. The amount of letters I have written has reached the point of how many letters Hogwarts sent to the Dudley's in Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone.

    Yeah I'm a nerd, what about it?

No. 8: Vida Guerra (Jeremy Shockey)

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    Does Vida Guerra have a face? Does she have breasts? Does she have a stomach? Does she have an upper body at all? 

    This is an honest question because I haven't looked yet.

No. 7: Julie Henderson (Aaron Rodgers)

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    Did Aaron Rogers know he was sloppy seconds to a reincarnation of a dieting Buddha?

No. 6: Brande Roderick (Glenn Cadrez)

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    Roderick is a Baywatch babe and Cadrez is a former Broncos linebacker.

    Why Baywatch hasn't been given an award of some kind for being the first to really make good use of slow motion is a mystery that still baffles me to this day.

    It's like I am a detective who is now always questioning himself because he is still haunted by the one murder he could never solve.

No. 5: Meagan Good (Thomas Jones)

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    In an interview, Meagan claimed she would refuse to do a role that would "disappoint God."

    So she is a liar. Has anyone seen Waist Deep or Saw V?

    Those movies suck.

No. 4: Jennifer Walcott (Adam Archuleta)

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    On April 24, 2008, Adam Archuleta and Jennifer Walcott decided to ruin their son's life forever by naming him Jett.

    They must have wanted him to develop thick skin early to prepare him for his days of trying to follow in his father's footsteps.

    Or maybe Jennifer has just hung out with too many strippers over at Playboy and decided on the name Jett because it's as close as a boy can get to having a stripper's name.

No. 3: Kari Klinkenborg (Terrell Owens)

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    As someone who is 6'3, I am always tired of feeling like a giant amongst the commoners, rarely seeing hot girls who I could actually talk to without towering over them. 

    So when I see a hot girl who is 6'0 like Klinkenborg, the room starts spinning, which leads to me fainting, which then eventually leads to me to looking out a window with a single tear running down my cheek because I just blew another once in a lifetime opportunity to get with a tall girl.


No. 2: England (Monty Beisel)

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    Jennifer got second place in the WWE's diva search in 2006.

    Second place in the WWE, first place in my heart..

    ...until she locks me up in a figure four. 

    At that point, I would enjoy it because she and her awesome bod are on top of me.

    But then I would remember I can't stand losing to a girl. So eventually I would have to reverse it, and then end the match; maybe even days as a walking human being, with the People's Elbow.

No. 1: Carmella DeCesare (Jeff Garcia)

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    Jeff Garcia gave everyone who has a feminine voice reason to believe they can bag someone as hot as Cermella DeCesare.

    All you have to do is become a good NFL quarterback or become a millionaire. If you can't do those're pretty much screwed because there will always be whispers about your manhood.