Top 25 Short Term WAGS

K BFeatured ColumnistApril 28, 2011

Top 25 Short Term WAGS

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    A short term WAG is a girl that is regarded as a serial dater.

    While many of these girls may receive teasing from the public for their inability to stay with a partner, I see them as true patriots.

    We are a free society and these women are taking full advantage of the American dream of choice and options!

    This slide is dedicated to those heroes of erratic behavior.

    Here are the hottest women who have mastered the art of the short term relationship in the smallest amount of clothing possible.

No. 25: Jenna Jameson

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    Jenna Jameson may not have gone about it the way our forefathers envisioned it, but she is a successful business woman and mother after years of hard work.

    In 2010, Jameson's MMA fighting husband Tito Ortiz was arrested for beating her.

    When I heard the news, I fell over from shock. If these two can't seem to make it work, who can?

    Just so everyone knows, while being surrounded by 20 people in the library, I held my breath like someone disabling a bomb when I entered Jenna Jameson in "search images" on Google.

    I like to live on the edge.

No. 24: Nereida Gallardo

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    Sergio Ramos and Cristiano Ronaldo each had their fling with Gallardo. It didn't last very long with either guy.

    Maybe it was because she decided to steal their grandmother's fancy table cloth and turn it into a sexy dress she could wear to the beach.

No. 23: Paris Hilton

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    Paris Hilton has been known to date Matt Leinart and relationships with Brian Urlacher, Cristiano Ronaldo and Minnesota Wild's José Théodore. And that long list is just the athletes.

    Say I write a book that is purely a list of all the guys Paris has dated. Say I drop this book, a book that would make Leo Tolstoy blush by the way, off a skyscraper.

    The weight of that novel would be such a force that it would nail an unsuspecting Chinese citizen right in the ass.

No. 22: Tara Reid

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    Tara Reid has been connected to Tom Brady, Jeremy Shockey, Sergei Fedorov and Kyle Boller.

    Her relationships with these guys lasted about as long as it took me to write this sentence.

    And call this a wild stab in the dark, but she is probably passed out drunk in this picture.

No. 21: Joumana Samaha

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    Sahama was married to Jason Kidd. She also dated Jeremy Shockey and motocross star Tyler Evans in 2007.

    I don't know who the "Sports Wife from Hell" is on the phone with, but my best guess is it's an unsuspecting athlete she is trying to convince she isn't a complete and utter psychopath.

No. 20: Zahia Dehar

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    According to Total Pro Sports, French soccer players Franck Ribery, Karim Benzema and Sidney Govou were all be accused of having sex with Zahia. What makes this a problem is she was only 17-years-old at the time.

    The thing is they claim she told them she was 18 when they did the dirty deed.

    I can't believe it! I always was under the impression that call girls were completely trustworthy and wanted nothing more than to comfort a lonely soul.

No. 19: Rachel Hunter

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    Stacy's mom has had flings with soccer player Ryan Giggs, hockey douche Sean Avery and Jarrett Stoll, another hockey player.

    She has also had one of the more entertaining lists of other guys she has dated for a short period of time.

    Many are from 80s hair metal bands where the guys had bigger hair than she ever has had..

     

No. 18: Merche Romero

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    Merche Romero has been with Cristiano Ronaldo and Abel Xavier.

    The internet tries to tell me that Xavier played soccer for Liverpool, but I don't believe a lick of that garbage.

    I know a Mad Max villain when I see one.

No 17: Imogen Thomas

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    If I visit a website that lists all the men a girl has dated and I have to scroll more than twice to see all the guys, it is probably a safe bet the girl deserves to be on this list.

    Imogen has accomplished that wonderful feat, along with several other women on this list.

    Is it just me, or is she and Danielle Lloyd having a friendly competition of who can get with the most soccer players. It sure does seem that way.

No. 16: Alyssa Milano

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    Alyssa has had the pleasure of being with Wayne McBean, Carl Pavano, Barry Zito, and Bradley Wayne Penny.

    When Milano said she was done dating athletes in 2007, I took it about as seriously as I take an American Idol winner, a female presidential candidate and the homeless guy on the corner who says he just wants money for food.

No. 15: Rebecca Loos

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    A switch hitter is an incredible asset to have on any team because they cause matchup problems for any major league manager, as well as having the abilty to make out with another woman.

    Wait, what?

    Yes, that is correct. David Beckham's one time mistress is a bi-sexual.

    Now while I can't prove that Loos has a hard time staying with men, I can tell you that her love of both sexes probably means she isn't the most likely candidate to stay with someone for a long period of time.

No. 14: Toni Braxton

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    Miss Braxton may be able to stay with a guy for a respectable period of time, but she did cause a wonderful relationship on the court to last for a short period of time.

    The Yoko Ono of basketball broke up the wonderful threesome of Jason Kidd, Jamal Mashburn and Jim Jackson.

    She has been married to some musician named Keri Lewis for 10 years now, even though they seperated after she kissed Trey Songz in 2009.

    You devil woman!

No. 13: Eliza Dushku

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    If you begin dating Eliza Dushku, it probably means it will be over in about six months. She dated Brad Penny and is currently with Rick Fox.

    I want to date Eliza just for the fact that I could tell people I had mastered the art of Dushku.

    As a Dushku master, I would be an expert in karate, a world-class ninja star thrower and ultimate ripper of throats.

No. 12: Carmen Electra

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    If I ever really tried to crack the code on how Dennis Rodman talked Carmen Electra into marrying him in 1998, one of two things would happen.

    Either...

    A) My mind would reach a level no man has reached before, leading me to discover the cures for cancer, AIDS and diabetes or...

    B) My mind explodes.

    I am no scientist, so I don't think I am going to try that one out.

No. 11: Elisha Cuthbert

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    Elisha Cuthbert from birth she has been attracted to large men skating around trying to shoot a black object in a net.

    That fact alone doesn't make her special. She is Canadian where everyone, even the men, have a crush on hockey and its players.

    What makes her special is she is the best homemaker, is the best conversationalist, gives the absolute best foot massages and has plenty of other awesome talents.

    How do I know all this? Because I wrote it in my diary a billion times and imagined it being that way a trillion more. So now it has to be true! I love you Elisha!!!

No. 10: May Andersen

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    Andersen dated Jason Kidd in 2008 and dated several other men in the last decade that include Steve-O.

    I am sad to report that the search has been called off for the G-string she is sporting in this picture. Authorities said that the article of clothing buried so deep in a far off land that it would be a fool’s errand to keep trying to search for something buried that far.

    These men are cowards and weak-willed. I would never stop looking for that G-string.

No. 9: Jessica Simpson

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    After Nick Lachey, Jessica Simpson has been with seven guys that include Tony Romo . None of them lasted for more than two years.

    Now she is with engaged to Eric Johnson.

    You know, maybe not everyone love's Jessica's stinky ass. I wonder if it has actually become the chronic problem of why she can't stay with anyone.

    Hey! You to the right of this picture! Look out!

No. 8: Selita Banks

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    Selita Ebanks has been with Ryan Howard and defensive end Osi Umenyiora. In 2010, she might have had a bad year because she had flings with three different guys, one which included Howard.

    I say "might" because in a guys mind, being with three gorgeous girls is a slice of heaven.

    But for girls, not having a stable and healthy relationship for a long period of time hurts them emotionally for some reason.

    Women are so silly.

No. 7: Kim Kardashian

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    Kim Kardashian has been with Cristiano Ronaldo, Reggie Bush, Miles Austin and Kris Humphries.

    Judging by her past, her chances of staying with a guy are about the same as my chances of completing a difficult physics equation.

    Not 'effing likely.

No. 6: Gabrielle Union

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    Gabrielle Union was married to Chris Howard for only five years, then moved on to Darren Sharper and Dwyane Wade. She also claimed to have dated Jason Kidd in high school on the Jimmy Kimmel Show.

    For many couples, it is commonplace to spice things up with some role play. Dressing up as a cheerleader is a popular one for many women.

    That spicing up period between me and Gabrielle would start at around the :03 second mark of our relationship. I would most definitely ask her to bust out the Clovers uniform and do the "Brr, It's Cold in Here" chant.

    You would have to, right? There is no way I am the first person to think of this.

No. 5: Tyra Banks

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    Tyra Banks hasn't had the spottiest short term dating history in the world, but there have been a few isntances where relationships don't last very long. From 2005 to 2007, she was with three different men.

    She dated Chris Webber from 2001 to 2004.

    Tyra's talk show is one of the more amazing things I have ever seen.

    And not amazing in a good way.

    Amazing in the way where it is amazing when I see Keanu Reeves act in movies.

No. 4: Adriana Lima

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    Adriana Lima had her turn with Derek Jeter and a Brazilian rocker named Denny in 2006. She then married Marko Jaric that same year.

    I guess when her and Denny dated, they never had sex.

    That is comparable to having nothing but real estate in front of you as you're about to score the game winning touchdown in the Super Bowl and then punting the ball in the stands just before you cross the goal line.

    I honestly thought about trying to start a riot when I heard this because I was so upset about it.

No. 3: Aida Yespica

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    Aida dated Matteo Ferarri from 2006 to 2009. In 2005 she dated three, count them, three dudes.

    I heard she was Miss Amazonas. I was perplexed when I heard that news because I assumed that when I saw a picture of her I thought I was going to see 6'11 monstrosity who swung through a jungle, terrorizing the locals to such a degree that she became an infamous legend.

    She is far from that, but she still terrorizes me because I try to jump through the computer and grab her every time I see a picture. She causes me mental and physical pain, and she costs me thousands of dollars. Sounds like a terrorist to me.

No. 2: Danielle Lloyd

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    Here is a list for you: Ann Lewis Hamilton, Teddy Sheringham, Armand Traoré, Marcus Bent, Jermaine Defoe, Ryan Babel and Jamie O'Hara. No, this isn't my fantasy soccer team; they are all the men who have been with Danielle Lloyd.

    Guys, basically all you have to do is throw on a soccer uniform and lace up some cleats and you have about a 50/50 chance of getting with this broad.

    And by the way, how in the hell has no one thought of creating a soccer league similar to the Lingerie Football League where women that are comparable to Danielle Lloyd's physical stature run around and play the world's favorite sport?

    Seriously, this is a dream scenario. There would be nothing but constant running and no pads to block the view.

    However, the only change I would make would be to the uniforms. The one Lloyd is wearing is a bit too conservative for my taste.

No. 1: Gemma Atkinson

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    Atkinson has been with Christiano Ronaldo and Marcus Bent.

    Gemma has a big quality about her that I really like. I can't put my finger on it.

    Oh yeah, now I know.

    Let's just say that my comment about not being able to put my finger on it has now become absolutely absurd because I think I could extend my arm and I would nail her best feature for sure.

    They are so big; I can't believe they don't have their own zip code. I know I would certainly want to live there if they finally did.

    And believe me, I would fight with the passion of a thousand mother bears protecting their young to make sure that property was mine and mine only.