You’ll have to forgive me if my attention is elsewhere tonight as the Penguins are in a Game 6 Casket Match against the Lightning and the power play has as much of a chance of scoring as you do on prom night.
However, I cannot miss tonight because it’s DRAFT NIGHT—albeit a very rushed one due to Edge’s sudden retirement. Hopefully we get some movement that actually means something but I’m sure you can guess who’s gonna be switching shows…
Raw vs. SmackDown Battle Royal
We are already clubbering when we come on the air with guys wearing their show’s t-shirt in case we are really stupid and don’t know what show the guy is on.
The crowd is pretty much dead as Kane gets tossed by a host of Raw guys. Where are Zack Ryder and Primo Colon to represent the Superstars roster? That’s not fair.
SmackDown returns the favor by tossing Great Khali (oh no…how will we ever survive?) and lots of punching follows. Vladimir Kozlov goes off-screen and Ezekiel Jackson follows soon after. Heath Slater goes flying and so does Chris Masters and Wade Barrett. Wow, what a showing by the Corrrrrrrrrrrrre.
Ted DiBiase goes out via Kofi Kingston and, thankfully, Brodus Clay and Mark Henry eliminate each other. If Big Show is the “world’s largest athlete," wouldn’t he always be the largest guy left in the ring? Thanks Michael Cole.
Yoshi Tastu flies out and no one cares, film at 11. Sheamus gets eliminated by Drew McIntyre and we…go to commercial?
We return with Evan Bourne eliminating Drew McIntyre and Big Show comically taking out Santino. Mason Ryan takes out Cody Rhodes and Kofi gets rid of Daniel Bryan.
That leaves Mason Ryan and Evan Bourne vs. Big Show and Kofi Kingston. They pair off and Kofi and Evan do an awesome sequence on the apron to tease elimination. Mason Ryan is done…I mean, seriously blowed up. Big Show chucks out Evan Bourne like a sack of bricks and then faces a double team and eliminates Mason Ryan to get the draft pick.
Winners: Team SmackDown
Typical battle royal stuff, impossible to rate but really dragged at the beginning. SmackDown definitely needs the star power, so it was pretty obvious they’d win this one.
John Cena Is Drafted to SmackDown
Well, color me surprised.
You wanted a big babyface to replace Edge; why not the biggest one? So that means…wait a minute….I don’t have to watch John Cena anymore? I DON’T HAVE TO WATCH JOHN CENA ANYMORE!!!! WHOOOOOO!
After a break, Cena does his usual schtick and spouts off some very Rock-like lines to keep that fresh in everyone’s minds. The Miz gloats about the move briefly.
Recap of the R-Truth crap that got everyone all worked up over…smoking? Really? This is what this country has come to? It’s OK to show shooting victims on television but SMOKING?!?! WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN??!?
Truth comes out to cut his very first heel promo…and the dumbass crowd gives him the “What?” chant. Do I really have to go over how much I hate that crap? It’s not clever, it’s not witty, it’s not smart—it’s just annoying.
Anyways, Truth blames the fans for his loss and manages to get bleeped twice for saying “pissed off." Not a bad heel promo from the guy actually. He already proved he could cut good promos in TNA when he was “The Truth," so might as well let him run with it.
Morrison attacks from behind because he’s such a virtuous babyface and the referees pull them apart to end the segment.
Kharma promo…I’ll still believe they are willing to push her once I see it.
Eve Torres vs. Layla
Winner gets a draft pick. I tell you what, if Layla wins, can’t SmackDown just have the entire women’s division? Please? Michelle McCool is at ringside and apparently mad at Layla for whatever reason…I’m sure it will draw millions.
Layla pounds away but Michael Cole immediately interrupts the match and Eve rolls her up for the win.
Winner: Eve Torres
DUD but they kept it short, so I’m happy. Layla beats the hell out of Michelle after the match and acts all conflicted about it….OK then. There’s no crying in wrestling…whoops, I mean “live-action soap opera.”
Rey Mysterio Is Drafted to Raw
Makes sense to replace Cena with another main eventer and the kids love him.
Backstage, Cody Rhodes promises to hurt Rey Mysterio at Extreme Rules.
Kofi Kingston vs. Sheamus
Winner gets a draft pick, of course. Sheamus dominates and hits a slingshot shoulder block for two but gets a little overzealous and hits post on a corner charge. Kofi gets a high crossbody for two and punches away in the corner but gets caught with an Irish Hammer.
Razor’s Edge attempt is countered and a pair of Trouble in Paradise kicks get the win for SmackDown.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
Short and pretty basic—*1/4.
Randy Orton Is Drafted to SmackDown
Damn, they are certainly cleaning out the face side of Raw, aren’t they? The rosters needed a shake-up though, so it’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Michael Cole vs. Jim Ross
Truly a main event in any arena in the country, to quote Gorilla. King calls the foot kissing the most embarrassing moment of JR’s life. Apparently he hasn’t seen the other 391 times that Vince has decided to embarrass Jim Ross...
Stall-o-rama to start as Cole just mocks JR for what seems like an hour. Ross shoves Cole down and we get more stalling crap as I get more and more bored. JR falls on top off a body-slam attempt, so Cole takes another powder and King tosses him back in. Swagger predictably attacks and takes out King, then beats down JR for the DQ.
Winner by DQ: Jim Ross
This was WAAAAAAAAAAAY too long for what it was— -*** really bad and stupid
Post-match, the heels whip JR with a belt but Lawler makes the save. He gets a few shots in on Cole before he gets sent running.
The Anonymous GM checks in and makes the match at Extreme Rules a “Country Whipping Match.”
What the hell is a Country Whipping Match? These creative guys are just screwing with me at this point, aren’t they? Is Dusty Rhodes guest booking this week?
Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler
Winner gets two draft picks here.
Orton attacks but gets hit with a neckbreaker for two and follows with a fireman’s carry for another near fall. We head to the outside and Dolph dropkicks Orton into the first row, trying to earn a count-out victory but our valiant hero fights his way back in.
Orton gets a Thesz Press and makes the babyface comeback with an Angle Slam for two. Orton looks to finish and Vickie Guerrero gets involved but Randy doesn’t fall for her tricks and an RKO ends things.
Winner: Randy Orton
As always with these draft specials, the match was short and basic—*1/4.
Before the draft picks are announced, Punk comes out for a PPV hype promo and Orton responds with his usual stuff.
Mark Henry and Sin Cara Are Drafted to SmackDown
I’m kinda pissed because I wanted to see more of Cara before they shipped him out, so I might have to check him out every once in awhile. Mark Henry can go lay in a ditch for all I care.
Wade Barrett vs. Rey Mysterio
Never understood the point of making newly drafted guys wrestle for their brand; it makes no sense in context of the storylines. Winner gets two draft picks here as well because Raw needs at least someone.
Barrett attacks and hits a spinning side slam for two then stomps away for another near fall. Rey mounts a comeback with a springboard crossbody but Barrett drives him into the corner and they head up top.
Mysterio fights him off and gets an ugly flying headscissors for the 619 and the splash off the top earns the win for Raw.
Winner: Rey Mysterio
The Corrrrrrrre are such jobbers—it’s not even funny. Short and inoffensive—*1/2.
Big Show and Alberto Del Rio Are Drafted to Raw
Show provides a solid upper-midcarder and Del Rio is a personal favorite of mine, so I’ll trade Cena for him any day of the week and twice on Sunday.
Teddy Long comes out and intros a six-man tag for the last pick of the night.
Alberto Del Rio, The Miz and CM Punk vs. Christian, Mark Henry and John Cena
Entrances alone eat up almost 10 minutes.
Christian starts with the Miz and they do a decent little sequence until Cena comes in and Miz bails immediately. We hit our final commercial break and I start freaking out about Game 7 on Wednesday. Why do I do this to myself?
We return with Cena beating Punk’s ass and Henry checks in to remind everyone that he’s fat. He gets tired in about 40 seconds, so Christian comes in and hits an elbow off the second rope for two. They trade finisher attempts but Christian runs into a boot and Del Rio tags in for some pain.
Christian gets worked over in the heel corner for a bit and Miz gets two off a running boot. More punishment allows Christian to work his Ricky Morton role as Booker T actually tried to call the match while Cole gets himself over.
Del Rio starts to work the arm to build to his finisher and they head up top. Christian knocks him off and hits a tornado DDT for the double KO and drama spot. It’s hot-tag Cena with some good energy from everyone and Cena cleans house on everyone.
He looks to finish on Miz and…Mark Henry turns on him? What the hell?
He also drops Christian across the ring steps to assert his evilness and leaves his team out to dry. Skull Crushing Finale and pin are academic after that one.
Winners: The Miz, Alberto Del Rio & CM Punk
Thank God Henry moved to SmackDown so I don’t have to sit through his push. Match was energetic and good stuff—three stars.
John Cena Is Drafted to Raw
Are you serious? What’s the point of that? I swear this promotion just exists to frustrate me.
I know the draft continues tomorrow and all that, but moving Cena and Orton to SmackDown seemed to clear up the clogged Raw roster while also strengthening the babyface side of SmackDown.
Now, our top faces on Raw are supposed to be Cena, Jerry Lawler, and…John Morrison, I guess? Color me confused.
But whatever, we’ll wait and see what happens tomorrow. Really, you just needed to watch the main event to get your workrate fix and look up the draft picks online.
Pens in seven.