Is that a Topps Rookie Card in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Watching the NFL Draft is full of drama, excitement, disappointment and optimism. It is a time when teams try to improve themselves, sell their new players to fans and provide a glimmer of hope for the future. It is an event where older men talk in reverent tones about 21-year-old young men. The weeks leading up to the draft are a meat market, where boys in spandex are measured, video taped, stared at, and drooled over by old men, talking heads and punch-drunk fans.
From all that, we find that the draft is full of unintentionally funny remarks, that when taken out of context, sound a bit naughty. With the right ear, and a slightly warped mind, the NFL Draft can turn from a serious crescendo, into one big, laughable innuendo.
During the NFL Draft, listen closely to hear any of the following...
With great length comes great responsibility
Announcer 1: This guy has surprising length. In fact, he is probably the longest person at this position.
Announcer 2: Some say he may even be too big for their liking.
Announcer 1: You should see his upside. He may not be ready right now, but he certainly has scouts drooling when they think about potential for growth.
Announcer 2: Well, you don't have to look too hard to see his upside. His tools are tremendous.
That thing sure is leathery
Announcer 1: Fewer players are better at getting low, putting their head between their knees, and snapping the ol' pigskin with incredible velocity.
Announcer 2: It is a common misconception that the football is made of pigskin. It is actually leather. However, there is no doubt that he gets those leathery balls spinning!
Tee 'em high and let 'em fly
Announcer 1: No one coming out of college has ever split the uprights so well or so often. Cheerleaders were always ducking for cover, trying to protect their faces from his expertly launched balls!
Announcer 2: You would never think someone so little could generate so much power, but he does.
These guys can really build up a sweat!
Announcer 1: He had the heaviest snatch at The Combine. Amazing.
Announcer 2: I'll say! I watched him doing the clean and jerk. It was impressive.
Nothing says "manly" like a full-body spandex suit
Announcer 1: He has the two things every scout is looking for: round calves and a high, tight butt.
Announcer 2: I agree. He sure looks great in spandex!
Announcer 3: Heck, he looks even better on film! I've gone into the dark room by myself and watched hours and hours and hours of tapes of this young man. He is the perfect physical specimen.
Announcer 1: I've been told that his rock-hard, perfectly chiseled body brings tears to coaches' eyes.
Short, fat, and slow vs tall, ripped, and fast: which of these guys won the Heisman?!
Announcer 1: I know he doesn’t measure well, but when he straps it on, he brings the pain.
Announcer 2: Yes, he plays much bigger than his size.
Like shaking hands with a rack of bananas.
Announcer 1: He is a tweener… part wide receiver, and part tight end. He isn't big enough to play TE at this point, but I'll take a guy like this at any position.
Announcer 2: You know, I have a thing for these pre-tweens, before they get older and heavier, that is.
Announcer 3: Yes, he has huge hands. He can hold a ruler between his pinkie and thumb... and you know what they say about guys with big hands?
Announcer 1: They make great ball catchers!?
Announcer 2: Indeed. I hear Miami is thinking about drafting him, since they need WRs who are used to playing with wet balls.
Is this college football, or the Adult Video Awards?
Announcer 1: I think his name speaks for itself: “The Sackmaster”
Announcer 2: Yes, because you could count on the fact that every Saturday evening in college he was going to pick 'em up, lay em down and drop another sack.
Announcer 3: In fact, he won the Butkus Award!
Wham, bam, thank you... man
Announcer 1: Nobody plugs a hole like he does. I guess that is what happens when you spend every Saturday playing in the gaps.
Announcer 2: Maybe they should call him "The Plumber," because he lays the pipe?!
Announcer 1: Uh, that sounds slightly sexual. Don't you mean "'The Carpenter," because he lays some serious wood?
Announcer 2: Oh, yes, sorry. Laying pipe; laying the wood. I always get those confused.
I always pick six.
Announcer 1: The thing about this guy is that he really has a nose for the ball.
Announcer 2: And if there are any loose balls around, you can bet he'll be the first to jump on it.
Announcer 3: And with his size, I think he is a complete package.
He shoot, he scores (in no particular order)
Announcer 1: This guy is a scoring machine.
Announcer 2: Isn't that why he was the nation's best tail back?
Announcer 3: When you need a notch on the scoreboard, nobody is better at penetrating the red zone and punching it home.
WWTD: What Would Tebow Do
Announcer 1: And this young man has managed to keep his virginity intact before entering the NFL.
Announcer 2: That is probably my favorite thing about him. He has that golden boy, boyish innocence about him.
Announcer 1: Even more amazing is that while in college, he traveled all over the world performing circumcisions.
Announcer 2: Hmmm.... so he is literally The Virgin Surgeon?!
Announcer 1: Indeed. And now, our sweet little innocent virgin is actually an underwear model!
Announcer 2: Imagine that... he is both a sex symbol and a virgin. That is an advertiser's dream... and mine!
Announcer 3: You serious, Clark? Surely these things can't all be true? I've listened to everything else you guys have said about these draft picks, but no one man can be all of these things, can he?
Announcer 1: If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I couldn't be more serious than I am now.
Announcer 2: It is all true. And quit calling me Shirley.
Can there really be this many innuendos?
And so it is. You may think you are watching football. But you are really watching a meat market, full of young men in spandex and old men with video cameras.
My advice: After you watch the draft, take a shower.
Trust me, you'll feel cleaner.