Big 12 Teams as Cult Movie Classics

Ever gotten into a fight defending a movie you love? Ever lose a friend over it? The Boondock Saints' fans have. Two Irish brothers kill bad guys. How is this best movie ever made? Oklahoma fans think their team is some sort of robot hybrid of USC and the old Notre Dame, before Charlie Weis had cheeseburgers hidden in the equipment bag. But we all know that Oklahoma is just another product of a poor schedule. You beat TCU, lah-di-freaking-da! That doesn’t make you the next great collegiate dynasty. The Boondock Saints is a great movie, and the Sooners have an outstanding team, but just because your fans usually are a bunch angry loudmouths, and the media is lapping like dogs that haven’t been fed in six months doesn’t make you the best ever. Get over it!

MIZZOU – PULP FICTION

Mizzou’s offense can strike you down with great vengeance and furious anger if the defense doesn’t do something stupid. This team has tasted the BCS, and hungers for another Big Kahuna Burger that will take them to top of the polls. This team is just like Pulp Fiction—a flash in the pan that no one could have seen coming. You can’t deny it; you love watching Jules Winnfield and Vincent Vega bring the heat and explain the complexities of ordering McDonald’s with the metric system. And you love watching Chase Daniel throw deep to Jeremy Maclin. I assure you though, this is no one-year wonder. The Big 12 can hate, but ask any coach if he wants to play MIZZOU right now. I doubt it.

TEXAS A&M – THE LOST BOYS

Teenage Vampires, a girl named Star, and a rebel cast of unruly misfits...sounds like kick ass fans to me—much like the Lost Boys was more about sex in the 80’s than vampires. However, if you haven’t been to this part of Texas, or had some sort of tie to the Aggies, you just don’t care.

NEBRASKA – WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY

There’s a proverbial line in the sand where fanatics meet reality with a dead sounding thud. Telling someone that you loved the oompa loompas? That used to be cute, now it’s just freaky. They are some scary-ass midgets. This movie has history—albeit history that many wish to forget. Nebraska used to be the gold standard that teams were measured up to, just as Gene Wilder used to be the comedian that brought families together. But Nebraska is losing their teeth and Gene Wilder looks like a child molester. Times are changing, and Nebraska is going into the discount bin.

IOWA STATE – GHOST DOG: THE WAY OF THE SAMURAI

You ever heard of Ghost Dog? That’s what the rest of the Big 12 thinks of when they play Iowa State. The film is loaded with dragged-out slow driving scenes that make you fall asleep, a plot line with bigger holes than what's in my underwear, and a best friend that speaks another language. Sound like the Clones' offense yet?

BAYLOR – The Rocky Horror Picture Show

If you pull for the Bears, you're either from Baylor or gay! I have no idea why men in tights and lingerie dress up for a musical. In this fictional world turned upside down where anything goes, transvestites and transsexuals have a cult following that you can’t even begin to understand. That makes no sense to me! Just like I’ll never understand how Baylor fills its own stadium or fits in the Big 12.

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