I’m putting off my five page paper due Wednesday to bring you this review. Seriously, Professor. Five pages? What is this, seventh grade?
RAW coming to us from across the pond tonight.
AOSIDEUPWIENCVEYOW WHATS UP! R-Truth will start us off tonight. “I’m gonna be the most fightin’ champion in the history of champions.” I don’t know what he meant by that but it was the only thing I fully understood from his speech so I decided to write it down.
Morrison interrupts. Could we be seeing a heel turn from the Shaman of Sexy? Morrison points out that R-Truth took a drink of water in the middle of a match where he had to fight three people in a row. Why would they put these two out there to start off RAW? I’m really not sure who is supposed to be turning heel here. This is indescribably awful. I’m going to put hockey on and hope they recount what went down later.
3-2 Flyers at the start of the third in case anyone cares.
I’m back to find the two squaring off. Didn’t see that coming at all. Truth on top.
“R-Truth’s hydration has helped him.” Nice one, JR. The three-man commentary combo of Cole, Lawler and JR have completely abandoned trying to call matches. If I have to hear them banter at each other for two hours they’re going on mute.
“You know a lot about sucking.” I don’t think Lawler meant that in the way everyone heard it.
Morrison wins with a Star Ship Pain and will now get Truth’s spot in the triple-threat match at Extreme Rules. Thank God. Truth jumps Morrison as he celebrates his victory. I am so utterly confused buy what is going on right now. Truth looks vicious as he dismantles Morrison. Truth then hugs Morrison and apologizes before dumping him on the ground and cracking him over the head with a water bottle.
An “R-TRUTH SUCKS!” chant starts up. He plants Morrison with his finisher then smokes a cigarette. How great would it have been if security kicked him out for smoking?
3-2 Flyers at ten minutes left in the third. It’s refreshing to hear announcers that don’t insist on making fun of each other the entire time they are on the air.
Evan Bourne in the ring when we get back. Vickie interrupts to introduce a “new and improved Dolph Ziggler." He cut his hair. He actually does look a LOT different and much more intense with short hair. Does this mean he will beat Bourne in 45 seconds instead of the one minute it usually takes opponents?
Bourne prematurely goes for Air Bourne and Ziggler rolls out of the way and hits the Zig-Zag for the pinfall. Vintage Bourne. Ziggler needs a new intro song. It doesn’t really fit his new look too well.
Cole will get Knighted tonight by the Queen of England. Odds on who will be the “Queen of England.” Hornswaggle—2:1, Santino—2.5:1, May Young—3:1, the Queen of England—10,000,000,000:1
AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSOMMMMEEEE! Miz comes out with a new baseball style “Awesome” t-shirt. He complains because instead of facing Cena and “a hip-hop refugee,” he has to fight Cena and Morrison in a steel cage. Miz then points out all the flaws in triple-threat steel cage matches that I covered in my article http://bleacherreport.com/articles/624844-steel-cage-matches-are-in-desperate-need-of-a-makeover. He then decides to sit down until the RAW GM changes the match.
We go to commercial then come back to find Miz still in the ring talking. In comes Sin-Cara. He will take on Alex Riley. How high does he have to jump to clear the top rope? He cleared it by at least a foot that time.
Cena comes in to even the odds and something tells me we might be seeing a tag match. Aaaaand cue the GM. There’s going to be a tag match. I’m like Nostradamus. Cena with the early advantage as we go to another commercial break.
Miz hits a big sidewalk slam to take the upper hand. He and Riley are looking good together, keeping Cena grounded. I’m at the edge of my seat in anticipation for the inevitable Sin Cara hot tag. Cena with a big powerslam and in comes Sin Cara! He pulls off a crazy arm drag/hurricanrana to take out both Riley and Miz. Miz is able to take him out on the outside to slow him down. The faceless gets the tag to Cena for some Vintage Cena! Shoulder block, shoulder block, backdrop suplex thing, five knuckle shuffle, Attitude Adjustment. Cena tags in Sin Cara to hit a springboard Moonsault and pick up the pin. That was AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWESSSSSSOOOOMMMMEEEEE!
Another creepy Awesome Kong promo. This time she rips a doll into pieces. She has to eat one eventually. She just has to.
Eve Torres will take on Nikki Bella. Hockey time.
Cole introduces Swagger to accompany him to his “Knighting.” Swagger in turn introduces Queen Elizabeth who turns out to be…some old lady. Damn.
The “Queen” Knights Cole who inexplicably gives her a big smooch on the lips. I have never seen anything more ridiculous in my entire life. Cole starts chanting “Sir Michael Cole!” to which the crowd responds “SUCKS!” He then demands Lawler and JR get in the ring to kiss his feet; even going as far as to take his shoe off to expose his athletes foot infested foot. Swagger takes out both Lawler and JR then puts JR in the ankle lock and makes him kiss Cole’s feet. That was pretty disgusting.
Santino in the ring. He will take on Sheamus who wants revenge for the tea party Santino threw him the last time the they were in England. I absolutely love how Sheamus calls himself the “Champion of the United States of America.” Cole and Matthews on commentary now. They are by far the best combo.
King Sheamus, the Irish US Champ, just delivered the beatdown of a lifetime. At one point Santino tried to pump up the Cobra but ended up collapsing.
“Remember what St. Patrick did to snakes.” Michael Cole with a zinger.
Orton vs. Punk up next.
A back and forth “RANDY ORTON!”—“CM PUNK” chant strikes up. Orton goes vintage and hits clothesline, clothesline, scoop powerslam. Punk ducks an RKO OUT OF NOWHERE as we go to commercial break.
Punk has the upper hand when we return. Orton gets outside and Punk hits a big clothesline off the apron. I think Orton just bit Punk’s hand to get out of a submission hold. Punk hit the springboard clothesline that got him in trouble at WrestleMania but Orton superplexed him when Punk waited too long on the top rope.
Great sequence of counters. Punk counters the spike DDT into the GTS which Orton counters into an RKO attempt which Punk countered with a nasty kick to the face.
Another solid sequence to finish off the match. Orton countered the GTS then ducked a roundhouse kick from Punk and rolled him up for the 1-2-3. The New Nexus comes in to take out Orton to finish off the show.
Decent RAW in my opinion. The Cena and Sin Cara vs. Miz and Riley match was great. Ziggler has a new look. Orton vs. Punk was solid. On the down side: R-Truth and Morrison’s segment took up 35 minutes, the whole “knighting” Cole thing was just weird and gross and Bourne lost another match in a matter of minutes. Until next week, you have been a lovely, lovely audience.
Like the new article format? Send us feedback!