Red Sox vs Rays

In the regular season, the Red Sox had a .691 winning percentage at home. That looks really good until you see that Tampa Bay had a .704 winning percentage at home! Clearly, this is going to be a series where home field advantage plays an important role.

Before the ALDS, I broke down the Red Sox offense for my faithful readers. I should have done the Angels offense as well, but I'm lazy. This time, however, I am going to break down the expected pitching matchups for the first two games, and I will include both teams. That's just the kind of journalistic talents I have.

Granted, there won't be any real analysis and there will be some outright lies, but that's not really my problem. So, let's break it down:

Game One: Friday, October 10 @ 8:37 PM

BOS: Daisuke Matsuzaka (18-3, 2.90 ERA, 154 SO, 2 millions walks)

Pros: Seems like he can strike anyone out whenever he wants; Wins a lot even when it seems he shouldn't, such as when he loads the bases every inning he pitches; Can't speak English well, so can't be rattled by "Pitcher's got a big butt!" chants; Doesn't chew tobacco (I'm looking at you Franconca!).

Cons: Walks everyone at least once, just to make it more of a challenge (not good for the heart); Wiggles his butt every time he pitches from the wind-up; Takes a calendar year to throw the ball (could be part of his strategy, though); Has an unnatural obsession with Mountain Dew.

TBR: James Sheilds (14-8, 3.56 ERA, 160 SO)

Pros: Only being paid a million bucks this year; Has won a lot  of tight games this year (check the battery in your pacemakers); Looks amazing in a bathing suit.

Cons: His salary of "only" a million bucks constitutes roughly 78% of the teams overall payroll; Is not left-handed; Has a 50/50 chance of killing Coco Crisp and forcing his team to forfeit.

Game Two: Saturday, October 11 @ 8:07 PM

BOS: Josh Beckett (12-10, 4.03 ERA, 172 SO)

Pros: Looks really mean when pitching; Can still throw really hard; In the past, has proven to be a consistent winner in the postseason; Will probably be the first in the pile when Sheilds breaks the skull of Coco Crisp; Owns a pair of Ray-Bans.

Cons: Chews tobacco (I blame Francona); When you get right down to it, is a raging hick; Has not pitched well this year; Did I mention he chews tobacco?

TBR: Scott Kazmir (12-8, 3.49 ERA, 166 SO)

Pros: Threw four no-hitters in a row in high school (thank you, Wikipedia!); Won 10 out of his last 13 starts this year; Is left-handed; Always tries really hard.

Cons: Got an 892% raise this past winter; Isn't right-handed; Has the lamest nickname in sports (Kazmanian Devil? Really?); Went to high school in Texas; Greatest desire is to someday win an Emmy.

So, there you have it! And who do I expect to win these games? As I've said before, I won't make a real prediction because I'm wildly biased, but I will say this: The Disney people are on stand-by. And they don't look happy. And they're kinda big. And I think they have weapons.

This should definitely be an exciting series! Be sure to wear your Kevlar.

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