I am a genius, so I know exactly how the 2011 NFL draft will play out. You don't even need to bother watching this year because this is exactly how it will go. I guarantee it.
Like I said before, I am a genius, so I know you red-blooded males would much rather see scantly-clad women wearing college gear representing these men instead.
Some of you may ask, "But Kyle, if you're such a genius, why are you living with three other guys in a cheap apartment, driving a sun-damaged 96 Honda Accord and delivering pizzas as another part-time job to pay rent? Shouldn't you be making millions inventing something like Facebook or something?"
Ok, fine. I am just a pompous a**hole, but so is Mel Kiper Jr., and he does this for a living.
Also, can we note the irony of this slideshow? Who is living a bigger dream than the father of a son getting drafted to the NFL? Who is living a bigger nightmare than the father whose daughter is posted on the internet looking like several of these women? I don't know if a slideshow with a wider spectrum exists.
Anyways, with the first pick of the 2011 NFL draft, the Carolina Panthers select...
No. 1 Carolina Panthers: Cam Newton, QB, Auburn
Cam Newton has all the tools he needs to be a game changer in the NFL, and word on the street is the Panthers believe in the hype.
I really like Cam Newton. I'm impressed by how he handled the controversy swirling around him and the pressure being in the Heisman spotlight most of the year. He is a proven winner.
So why do I have this feeling he will bust? Is it because I have seen this movie before?
It doesn't matter. The Panthers don't think he will bust and will pick him first.
I've never realized it until now, but the Auburn logo is pretty cool.
No. 2 Denver Broncos: Marcell Dareus, DT, Alabama
Marcell Dareus is the most talented player in this year's draft and the Broncos should be ecstatic if the Panthers decide to pick Newton first.
Denver's defense was horrendous last year, giving up the most yards and points per game last season. They also had the fewest sacks.
Dareus has all the tools to fit in perfectly with John Fox's 4-3 scheme and has the athletic potential to be one of the biggest playmakers in the NFL in the future.
Can't ever go wrong with twins, especially the Bear Bryant hat.
No. 3 Buffalo Bills: Von Miller, LB, Texas A&M
Kyle Williams was the Bills leader in sacks last year with only 5.5, which tells you that they are in desperate need for a pass rusher for their 3-4 defense.
Miller could make an instant impact with his burst and agility, just like this girl.
No. 4 Cincinnati Bengals: AJ Green, WR, Georgia
It would make perfect sense for the Bengals to select Blaine Gabbert for their pick. I believe Carson Palmer when he says he won't play for the franchise ever again.
Mike Brown seems confident he can force Palmer back in an orange and black uniform.
And luckily for Brown, the Bengals will be able to replace Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens with a supremely gifted athlete in A.J. Green.
Green has the size and skill to become a star.
I am told Georgia has the hottest fans. Not taking anything away from these lovely ladies, but wherever the hottest Georgia fans are, they aren't posted on the internet. Come one Georgia girls. Lose respect for yourself a little bit. It would make my job easier.
No. 5 Arizona Cardinals: Blaine Gabbert, QB, Missouri
Todd McShay's man crush is the best pure quarterback in this year's class and will have plenty of playing time since Max Hall and John Skelton are nowhere.
Ah, swell memories of Missouri basketball and their cheerleaders. My friends and I have plenty stories of debauchery at Border War.
After a few too many and an Illinois' loss to Missouri, a lady fan decided it would be a smart idea to shove a foam finger in my face and yell really loud about their victory over my favorite team. Without hesitation I ripped it out of her hand and threw it in the garbage.
Well, that does it. The small niche of fans I had yet to offend are now even disgusted with me. Hey, it was fun while it lasted.
No. 6 Cleveland Browns: Patrick Peterson, CB, LSU
Since I think Green will be gone to the Bengals, I think the Browns will think about replacing one of their three needs on defense.
Peterson is the best pure player other than Dareus and I think the Browns know they can't pass up on Peterson. He is too much of a good thing.
This girl is actually waving to me if you didn't know. In my mind.
The brain is a powerful thing.
No. 7 San Francisco 49ers: Robert Quinn, DE, North Carolina
The Niners need help on the edge and, with Peterson off the board, they will go with Quinn at North Carolina. If he had played this season, he had the potential to have the most sacks in college this year.
I believe Jim Harbaugh thinks Quinn is a very good fit for his team and ignores Quinn's health issues.
I don't care how good this girl looks. I don't care if every girl on North Carolina's campus looks like this when they are leaned up against a tree and reading a college textbook. I will always have the urge to burn this campus down after they made me cry in 2005.
No. 8: Tennessee Titans: Nick Fairley, DT, Auburn
There are now rumors about Jake Locker being the Titans' pick, but I'm not that impressed with him after his senior season.
Their defense slipped after losing Haynesworth, so they pick his clone Nick Fairley to replace him.
Oh! Didn't think I wouldn't notice the tan tattoo on your hip did you?
No. 9 Dallas Cowboys: Tyron Smith, OT, USC
I hate Tony Romo and think he is one the most overrated quarterbacks in the league. But the Cowboys disagree and many believe that if Romo hadn't got hurt, they would have made a serious run at the Super Bowl.
The Cowboys won't let Romo get hurt again and pick up the most athletic offensive tackle in this year's draft. He is a bit small, but only 20-years-old, so there is a lot of potential to grow.
I am now convinced USC has a factory that produces hot blondes with cute butts. They are everywhere in So Cal.
No. 10 Washington Redskins: Julio Jones, WR, Alabama
Although the Redskins should get a DE to help with their 3-4 scheme, I think Washington will be in too much awe of Julio Jones' skills at WR.
Hasn't anyone learned from the Detroit Lions yet?
I don't know what this girl is ashamed about.
No. 11 Houston Texans: Cameron Jordan, DE, Cal
Cameron Jordan's size and quickness works perfectly with a 3-4 scheme.
This is one of the safest picks in the draft and Houston is certainly due for a safe pick.
By far the most disappointing school in terms of finding hot pictures for each player's representative. You girls are lookers for sure. Tell your friends to take more pictures.
No. 12 Minnesota Vikings: Da'Quan Bowers, DE, Clemson
Yes, the Vikings need a quarterback, but I think they can find a solid veteran in free agency instead of taking Jake Locker.
Deciding on Bowers is a risk with his health, but it's less than taking Locker.
Clemson on the other hand, bravo ladies. You guys have the hot pictures coming out the woodwork. Thank you.
No. 13 Detroit Lions: Prince Amukamara, CB, Nebraska
Detroit's biggest need is in the secondary and with Peterson certainly gone by this time, they would be overjoyed to have Amukumara if he is still available.
I don't know why this young lady is only wearing a black bra. Maybe in honor of the black shirts? I don't know. I would be overjoyed like the Lions if she was still available. And is that a hot tub back there?
No. 14 St. Louis Rams: Aldon Smith, DE, Missouri
Aldon Smith needs to get bigger, but he is getting a lot of attention as the weeks continue to go by because of his pure athleticism.
You can never go wrong with a local boy. St. Louis agrees and makes him the 14th pick.
Raechel Holtgrave won Miss Hooters International and is a Missouri graduate. I wish I knew where all these really hot Hooters girls work. I've been to several around the country and have yet to see anything resembling Holtgrave.
No. 15 Miami Dolphins: Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama
I am sure Miami would prefer a stud quarterback, but they are all gone at this point.
The Dolphins instead go with their bread and butter, selecting Mark Ingram to replace Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown, continuing their knack of always having a sick running back.
No. 16 Jacksonville Jaguars: Ryan Kerrigan, DE, Purdue
From all that I have read, everyone has Kerrigan going to the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Jacksonville knows what they are getting with Kerrigan—a leader with tremendous heart who could help them establish their pass rush, which caused them to blow their chance at the playoffs after leading the division in December.
This girl should take pride in the fact that she is the only attractive girl on Pur-dont's campus. Congratulations!
No. 17 New England Patriots: Corey Liuget, DT, Illinois
Watching Corey Liuget every game this year at Illinois was some of the most fun I had this college football season. Liuget is explosive and instinctive. This guy does not quit.
A perfect fit for New England, a franchise that loves guys who play with passion on every down.
I have yet to see this dark-haired beauty on campus, but that doesn't mean I have quit looking.
No. 18 San Diego Chargers: J.J. Watt, DE, Wisconsin
With Bowers and Jordan off the board, San Diego addresses a need and goes with the next best DE in Watt.
This is Christina. She graduated from Wisconsin. I have no qualms about her wanting to go to a beach and sport a bikini. It gets old always wearing layers in the cold, bitter land that is Wisconsin.
No. 19 New York Giants: Mike Pouncey, G, Florida
With Pouncey suprisingly still available, the New York Giants select a player who is slightly more talented than Anthony Castonzo, who would also be a perfect fit.
The bikini seems like a perfect fit as well.
No. 20 Tampa Bay: Adrian Clayborn, DE, Iowa
Tampa Bay is in need of a good pass rusher and that is what they will get with Clayborn. He has impressed them in his workouts and I don't see how he could drop any further.
I don't know about Iowa girls because I have never been there. I do know they always have the ugliest basketball team all the time. So, thank God for these girls to balance out the ugly.
No. 21 Kansas City Chiefs: Gabe Carimi, OT, Wisconsin
Kansas City could really use a defensive player like Phil Taylor. But with the combination of his questionable past and their need for an offensive lineman, they decide to go with the safe pick in Carimi to secure their offensive line.
I am jealous of this Badger. He seems very secure. Look at that smile! He can barely contain himself.
No. 22 Indianapolis Colts: Nate Solder, OT, Colorado
After it became a problem last season, Indianapolis has to protect their aging star quarterback. With Kansas City going with a slightly suprising pick in Carimi, the Colts decide to go with Solder.
I don't know what is on this girl's mind on the left, but I like it.
No. 23 Philadelphia Eagles: Anthony Castonzo, OT, Boston College
With Michael Vick running all over the place, the Eagles select an OT who can protect him as well as anyone. They were getting excited that maybe Pouncey would fall to them, but are happy to take Castonzo.
That Eagle is fighting a losing battle for room on that t-shirt. The ripping just doesn't seem to stop, even when this Boston College fan is sleeping.
No. 24 New Orleans Saints: Muhammad Wilkerson, DE, Temple
New Orleans gets a great selection in Muhammad Wilkerson at Temple. I don't know if it was because of where he played, but he has been under the radar even though his stock has been rising in scout's opinions.
Speaking of underrated, Temple has cuties apparently. I never would have guessed.
No. 25 Seattle Seahawks: Christian Ponder, QB, Florida State
Because of Seattle's need for a quarterback, most believe they will select Jake Locker. The Seahawks shock everyone by taking Ponder, who has played himself up the board as of late.
I will be honest. I just took Ponder so I could put up his girlfriend Kacie McDonnell.
No. 26 Baltimore Ravens: Cameron Heyward, DE, Ohio State
The Baltimore Ravens have been known for their defense for a decade now and they have no problem taking Cameron Heyward. At this point in the draft, his value is excellent.
As an Illinois fan, anytime a girl is beginning to remove buckeyes from herself, it's a good thing. Hell, anytime a girl is removing anything it's a good thing, no matter what team you root for.
No. 27 Atlanta Falcons: Justin Houston, OLB/DE, Georgia
Justin Houston proved in the combine that he can play in both the 4-3 and the 3-4. The Falcons like his versatility and select him for the 27th pick in the draft.
I am starting to wonder if Matt Stafford is trying to get injured so he can hang out with hotties from Georgia like this all the time.
No. 28 New England Patriots: Brooks Reed, OLB, Arizona
Mark Ingram may very well be available at this point. But in this draft he is not, so they decide to fill a hole with a fresh face instead of an old veteran.
Insert "asset" joke here.
No. 29 Chicago Bears: Derrek Sherrod, OT, Mississippi St.
Say what you want about Jay Cutler's decision-making or lack of guts—all that will be made easier if he actually has protection, which is exactly what Derrek Sherrod can help with.
This will definitely give Cutler his best chance at improving his reputation in Chicago.
This girl can wear the hell out of a t-shirt.
No. 30 New York Jets: Phil Taylor, DT, Baylor
There might be better players available, but Rex Ryan loves Phil Taylor's tenacity, despite his checkered past. Rex might even enjoy that a little. It fits the Jets' personality well and Taylor will certainly help clog the middle.
These cheerleaders have about as much tenacity as Taylor. Grr.
No. 31 Pittsburgh Steelers: Aaron Williams, CB, Texas
Other than an offensive lineman, the biggest need by far for the Steelers is a corner. Pittsburgh somehow held their secondary with duct tape last year. Williams is the best corner available at this point and he will really help with the Steelers' biggest need.
I don't know if this girl is telling me she is a fan of Texas or showing me her wise investment.
No. 32 Green Bay Packers: Akeem Ayers, OLB, UCLA
With few holes to fill for the Super Bowl champs, why not select the best player still available in Akeem Ayers?
That UCLA logo is pretty large.
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