Animal mascots are better than you in every conceivable way. Everyone loves them—well, almost everyone—they've probably accomplished more than you, and everyone showers them with praise simply for existing.
Not only do they get into games free, they get a front row seat, and if you're in that seat, you better get up. And that beer? It's theirs now. And so is your girl. And don't look now but your wallet has crap in it.
Consider that an autograph, and you're lucky to have it.
It's considered a privilege to be in their presence, and odds are, you're not worthy. If you're blessed enough to see them, you better pay your respects.
This isn't an article about ranking which mascots are best. No, I reckon there's plenty of those already. This article is about why you'd be better off born as a sports mascot.
Let's get started with one spoiled son of a...