Some Cinematic Preditions for the 2008-09 NBA Season

After being axed as the Warriors’ mascot, “Thunder” finds success of the set of the upcoming Smurfs film, valiantly playing Smurfette’s sexy pool boy, although he later sues Papa Smurf for making him reenact Monta Ellis' moped accident. (Side note, with an added movie reference: Which NBA player can look his teammates in the face and say he rides a moped? That's like the scene from The Departed, where Leo DiCaprio's character gets flak for drinking cranberry juice. Are we to believe Ellis accepts bar brawls as the toll for trolling around on a moped?)

5. Phoenix Suns, 28-54

Looking to reclaim the run’n’gun offense from the departed Mike D’Antoni, Steve Nash and company average 299 ponts per game for the season. Unfortunately, their opponents tend to notch just over 300.

Southwest Division

1. Houston Rockets, 64-18

In order to protect his (deep breath) back, neck, shoulders, wrist, knee, ankle, and hamstrings, T-Mac constructs a protective suit of gold alloy for game day. Much to his chagrin, the non-element-savvy media still tags him as Iron Man.

2. New Orleans Hornets, 60-22

Now that people actually recognize him, David West lies awake at night, just waiting for someone to come forward and produce a picture of his 1992-94 stint as a Jeri-curled Wedding Singer. Think Calvin Murphy, but with falsetto.

3. Dallas Mavericks, 43-39

Using the Pineapple Express to take his game to the highest level, Josh Howard helps Dallas smoke out the regular-season competition. Not to be blunt, but Howard loves the ganja—does that make him more or less anti-American?

4. San Antonio Spurs, 29-53

Trying to will his way past stale teammates and an aging core, Tim Duncan toughens up and adopts the moniker of American Gangster. However, people quickly remember he’s from the Virgin Islands, and the Big Easy reverts to being softer than a marshmallow Peep.

5. Memphis Grizzlies, 22-60

As brother of Pau, Marc Gasol may always be considered Almost Famous, but he reaches the apex of Google searches when he stands on top of the FedEx Forum and screams, “I am a golden god!”

Northwest Division

1. Utah Jazz, 56-26

After carrying the Russian flag through the Opening Ceremonies, Andrei Kirilenko decides to continue the tradition at all Jazz home games. Alas, David Stern is a big fan of Red Dawn, and quickly nixes Skeletor Kirilenko’s idea.

2. Portland Trail Blazers, 48-34

Calls are still out to Danny Glover, a Portland native, to portray Greg Oden in the sequel to The Rookie—so long as Glover can look ten years older.

3. Denver Nuggets, 41-41

Deciding that it was frugal to ride to Denver together on a motorized scooter, AI and ’Melo give new meaning to Dumb and Dumber when they decide to try some of Chris Andersen’s, um, “prescriptions” along the way.

4. Minnesota Timberwolves, 30-52

Kevin Love’s weight continues to balloon as the rookie devours anything he can get his hands on. Kevin McHale cringes when, during a road trip to NYC, Love mistakes the city’s power cords for black licorice and throws Gotham into The Dark (K)night.

5. Oklahoma City Thunder, 12-70

Acting out scenes from Superbad, the utter boredom of OKC leads Kevin Durant and Jeff Green to get the baby-faced Russell Westbrook, a.k.a. McLovin’, to buy them some booze. “The funny thing about my hook shot is that it’s located on my...low block."

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