Some Cinematic Preditions for the 2008-09 NBA Season

This team’s highest-paid players, in order, are Troy Murphy, Mike Dunleavy, and Rasho Nesterovic. Is Will Ferrell filming a sequel to Semi-Pro, or does Larry Bird just not care anymore?

Southeast Division

1. Atlanta Hawks, 52-30

With Josh Childress soaking up the Hellenic rays, general manager Rick Sund has a midseason Nightmare Before Christmas when he dreams that the former Hawk’s ’fro is still taking up cap space.

2. Washington Wizards, 49-33

In a recent blog entry, Agent Zero asks his fans to share a Quantum of Solace for his brittle legs before every home game. DeShawn Stevenson pleads for the same, as multiple fungi have started taking over his beard. (Meanwhile, Jay-Z formulates a ‘Yo, Dat Fungus is Humongous’ riff.)

3. Miami Heat, 46-36

Stealing the cape from his in-state neighbor, Dwyane Wade uses the 2008-09 season to show that when Superman Returns, he does so with a vengeance. Plus, Chris Quinn could pull off a Lex Luthor, don’t you think?

4. Orlando Magic, 31-51

After being on the wrong end of Rudy Fernandez’s Olympic YouTubery, Dwight Howard switches superhero personas, but regresses more than Sam Raimi did with Spiderman 3 as the Magic fall from playoff contention.

5. Charlotte Bobcats, 30-52

With apathy and approaching senility, Larry Brown spends most of the season lounging on the Carolina coast, earning the moniker of Old Man and the Sea. To everyone’s surprise, Adam Morrison eventually grows a beard and wins a Hemingway look-alike contest.

Pacific Division

1. Los Angeles Clippers, 60-22

The Life of Brian Skinner entails many things, such as riding the pine, picking up Baron Davis’ water bottles, and cowering from the Cloverfield monster—er, Marcus Camby. The one thing Skinner accomplishes this season? Stealing the "Ugliest Baller" title from Chris Kaman. (Again, two movie references—what's with bad hair and more movie shout-outs?)

2. Los Angeles Lakers, 58-24

With Pau as Brian, Odom as Champ, Kobe and Ron, and Bynum as Brick, this Laker squad succeeds both on the court and in the newsroom. What, you didn’t know Phil Jackson coaches Anchorman reenactments in his spare time?

3. Sacramento Kings, 48-34

Kevin Martin plays out of his brain, sneaking his surprising team to the second round of the playoffs. As congratulations, Shaq sends K-Mart a copy of The Queen.

4. Golden State Warriors, 41-41

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