"What's in a name?" the old saying asks. In sports, names carry with them instant recognition and gravitas, familiar to millions through the use of a single word.
Kobe. Shaq. Tiger. LeBron. Brady. Manning. A-Rod. Every single Brazilian soccer player.
But names in sports are also memorable for an entirely different reason—unintentional hilarity. From crazy nicknames to tragic given names, sports have given humanity some of the funniest names possible.
So in that tradition, I have compiled 30 of the most humorous names ever found in the world of sports. Some you may have seen, and others you will not believe. As always, leave your favorites in the comments.
To the slides!
Alright, so this name isn't all that funny, but it's darn cool.
Therefore, I'll allow it.
Only two ways the former tailback for Nebraska could have had a cooler name:
1. I.M. Legend
2. I.M. Allthatisman
Photo courtesy of Huskers.com
We now present the newest game from Milton Bradley: "Anger Management Issues!"
You don't even need a board to play, you just need to alienate those near you with your uncontrollable rage!
And coming soon from Milton Bradley: "The Legal Proceedings Game."
I'll never understood why Richard is shortened to Dick. Isn't Rich the logical nickname?
In the case of Richard Pole, I think Rich may have been the smarter option. Just my opinion.
A personal favorite.
Ironically, the only reason I was ever aware of Incognito was due to his last name.
In your best Hulk voice:
In your best Noel Gallagher voice:
"In an Anna Smashnova in the sky."
In your best frat guy voice:
"Dude, I know it is a Tuesday afternoon, but I don't care, I'm getting Smashnova-ed!"
Poor J.J. never knew if people were calling him a name, or calling him by name.
Friends knew to simply call him J.J.
I'll just leave this one alone.
A player on the Nigerian soccer team and the Queens Park Rangers, an professional English squad.
I Shittu not.
There aren't any photos of "Sneeze" out there, as he was the first-ever Asian professional football player for the Dayton Triangles in 1927 and 1928.
Talk about a lot of pressure in a name. Imagine being named God—you could never live up to expectations.
"Hey Ma, I got a double-double tonight, and we won the game!"
"Oh, good for you, honey. Did you know that God created the heavens and Earth in seven days? Hmm? So maybe you should be a little more humble about that measly double-double, because frankly, Mommy isn't impressed."
So if you use your imagination, and say this name really quickly...
You with me?
And I want a toilet made out of solid gold, but its just not in the cards, now is it?
Or, as proctologists call it, a bad day.
This Swedish hockey player is never sure if people are chanting her name because they like her, or because they despise her.
Sounds like a street you may turn down in certain parts of Amsterdam.
Is that not the perfect picture of the now-retired English soccer player?
It's as though he's saying, "Whoa fella, I'd stay over there for a second. I'd consider it off-limits over this way for a moment, I don't even think the grass is going to survive after what I just did."
Bleacher Report—your one-stop shop for sophisticated sports analysis.
He was rarely mocked as a child, however, as most guys knew exactly what was coming to them if they gave Johnny a rough time.
Worst porn name ever.
And it wasn't even a porn name.
I was always more of a Cocoa Pebbles guy, but that's just me.
And I would be doing a lot of Butkussing if I ever saw him in person, that's for sure.
Reason number one I am glad I am not a sports announcer.
Jack Glasscock was a shortstop in the National League from 1879 to 1885, playing for a slew of teams.
He's also credited with originating the following saying:
Don't throw stones if you have a...
Oh god, that's not how the saying goes at all. I apologize.
I wouldn't suggest sharing the same trampoline with this Canadian trampoline gymnast.
Be smart—practice safe jumping.
It has become all the rage in sports to combine the first letter of an athlete's first name with the first syllable of their last name.
For example, Alex Rodriguez is now A-Rod.
Or A-Roid, either works.
This system of name-shortening would not be appropriate for Irina Slutskaya, however.
Dick Trickle finished his racing career with an estimated 1,200 victories.
That's a lot, in case you were wondering.
And in the immortal words of Count Monet to the piss boy in History of the World: Part 1:
"Wait for the shake!"
Many names are shortened, taking on the form of nicknames. Jacob becomes Jake, Daniel becomes Dan, etc.
My guess is that Olympic freestyle skier Assoli Slivets doesn't shorten her name.
Just a guess.
Parents can be cruel, as witnessed by the former linebacker for the Eastern Illinois Panthers.
Here's a list of guys Chubby would see and say, "Man, I'm glad I don't have your first name:"
Actually, I think I can stop there.
Teammates were often concerned by Ron's propensity to get distracted during the game.
Rusty Kuntz was an outfielder and designated hitter for the Chicago White Sox, Minnesota Twins and Detroit Tigers from 1979 to 1985, and has remained in the game as a coach.
And that is all I am going to say about that.