NFL Week Five: Letters to the League

You make Kyle Orton look like a quarterback. Dan Fouts anyone?

Okay, so much is made of you on Kyle's face. There's a lot of discussion about the actual classification of you as a "neck beard." Now, I'm no expert, but you don't seem to go that far down on his neck.

You certainly help him do his job though. I don't recall whether you were around during his non-starting days, but I'm going to assume you weren't.

But you were there for his magical run in 2005 as the starter. What a season that was.

Obviously you convinced him to bring you back, and clearly that was the right choice for Kyle. Grossman and his baby face are a distant memory.

I heard though that Kyle's wife is not too fond of you.

My wife's not fond of mine either, but that's okay—it's football season!

My beard though is not quite as full-looking as I'd like it to be. I'll see if I can get it in touch with you.

To: Al Davis

Re: Tough to Lick

I heard you had some things to say after that conference announcing the firing of poor ol' Lane Kiffin.

I know you've forgotten by now, so here's a reminder:

"I'm healthy. You're going to have to have me around for a while. I'm fine, really. I take all the tests four times a year. I get a checkup on everything, echo and all those things. All the blood work, I do that four times a year. My mother, you know, she lived a long time, 103. I hope nothing happens. Because disease is the one thing, boy, I tell you, it's tough to lick. It's tough to lick those diseases. I don't know why they can't. It bothers me they won't let us use—and it doesn't mean that I'm Republican or Democrat—the stem cell. I think it could help."

You have to be careful of things like this, Mr. Davis—you sound a little crazy with this kind of random stating-of-things talk. You know, they say perception is some people's reality. If you're not careful, people may think you're crazy.

I'd also like to advise you to finish the sentences you begin.

"I fired him for cause" and "It bothers me they won't let us use...the stem cell" are not exactly complete and coherent thoughts.

Again, perception is some people's reality.

To: Ben Roethlisberger's Body

Re: This Sucks

You poor thing. Big Ben is going to do long-term damage to you if he's not careful.

I mean, the motorcycle accident should have been the last straw.

Now here he is playing on a short week after you took countless hits last week. And your shoulder is separated. And he ignored everything you were telling him and he still played.

You gotta admire his toughness. Heck, I admire your toughness, Ben's body.

Something's gotta give though.

It's a bye week, so you make sure he gets you a lingering warm bath every night. It's the least he can do.

You're currently logged into Facebook

Do you want to share your Bleacher Report activity on Facebook?