Manning Coup: Eli Snags Peyton's Endorsements

In a bloodless coup, Eli Manning seized his older brother Peyton's TV and radio commercials this weekend, striking a blow for little brothers everywhere.

"Somewhere between the time Peyton's last pass was bouncing off Dallas Clark's hands and Eli's laser-like throw to Amani Toomer was accounting for a huge Giants TD, the phones started ringing," said Eli's representative, Emabtha N'gue Vere Ep (an unheralded Unbangi-born American sports agent). "The voiceovers, the endorsements—millions of dollars changed hands in just an hour.

"I haven't seen a sibling takeover like this since Romulus gave Remus the nasty part of Rome," Vere Ep added, in a reference obscure to the average football fan.

Little brothers everywhere celebrated the occasion.

"My older brother is a total dick and this totally faced him!" exulted Patrick O'Ryan of South Boston. "When I was little he gave me wet willies, Indian burns, and pink-bellies. This is payback. Of a sort."

"Jimmy didn't let me date his old girlfriends even though I was only a year behind him—and they put out," recalled Nitro Fleming, a stuntman-in-training from Van Nuys, of his older brother Seth. "That's just spiteful."

How do you know they would have liked you, Seth?

"C'mon, I'm just like him but I'm YOUNGER! Do the math idiot!"

The older brothers, not surprisingly, supported Peyton over his "punky obnoxious little douchebag of a brother."

"I went to college," recalled Devin Stevens of Shreveport, "and my little brother who's like a retard fucked up all my shit. My old Playboy's, my baseball card collection—he fucking spent my coin collection on bus rides and vending machines."

Other scars linger. Siblings recall different standards.

"I got my ass beat if I was home one minute after 9 on a Friday night when I was 16!"  said an older brother bitterly. "He STARTED at midnight when he was 12! Fucking 12!"

But it's not all fun and games, responded a little brother.

"Dad plays ball now," he said, "he's having a heart attack by the third throw."

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