USC Staff Must Find What Is Missing Now!

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USC Staff Must Find What Is Missing Now!
Harry How/Getty Images

HUMOR—

Maybe it was lost in the mail. 

Or maybe, the dog ate it. 

Of course, they may have sent it via email and got the wrong address. 

Then again, maybe the fax machine at Heritage Hall isn’t working.  I know mine is always running out of ink.

With the budget squeeze nowadays, especially at universities, ink for printers and faxes can get scratched off the list.

In any case, USC must have received their appeal decision from the NCAA.  You know, the one they presented back on January 22nd, 10 weeks ago.

A well-oiled machine like the NCAA always meets its deadlines.  I mean, the NCAA is as reliable as FedEx and UPS.  That decision was supposed to be all wrapped up within four to six weeks.

So, the report must be at USC somewhere.  Maybe it got couriered to the wrong department.  Has anyone checked with Theatre Arts?  Look in the Theatre of the Absurd mail box.

Or maybe it was delivered by mistake to TV and Cinema.  Check in the Situation Comedy file.

Okay, look, I know a lot of you think that the NCAA is a joke.  But I’m being serious here.  The appeal decision must have been misplaced.  The NCAA would never take this long to finalize an appeal.  Never!  Ever!

Stephen Dunn/Getty Images

I mean look how quickly they ruled Cam Newton ineligible for his SEC Championship game and then just as quickly, reversed their decision.  Wow!

Or what about the case of Ohio State’s Tattoo Five?  Bowl eligible? No problem, decision reached quicker than you can say, “Money Handshake!” or “TV revenues!”

So, don’t tell me that USC doesn’t have their decision yet.  No way.  That is one huge university and someone there has misplaced the report.

I know the NCAA is overextended.  They have scandals popping up left and right.  In fact, they almost have as many scandals as there are news organizations.

I bet Mark Emmert is saying, “Damn the internet!”

He probably wishes that all these news sources would just disappear, so he and his staff can go about their usual time-tested investigations, like the one at USC, which took over four years to come up with only one violator in the football program.

But with the eloquent work of Paul Dee and the rest of his COI staffers, they were able to write up a lengthy report that made the USC football program look like, well, an SEC program.

Oops, I had better retract that.  I should not allude to anything like money handshakes or pay-for-play.  That would be inconsistent with the NCAA’s eventual ruling of their non-existence anywhere within the SEC.

Nick Laham/Getty Images

Of course, some may not agree with the way the NCAA handles its investigations and reaches its conclusions.  But you must admit, for an old-fashioned, understaffed and overly-indulgent and extremely biased organization, they can do one heck of a job policing Division II and Division III athletics.

Division I?

Oh, don’t worry about that.  What would a well-oiled machine be if one hand didn’t grease the other?

So, what if the NCAA is a Newtonian (that’s Issac, no relation to Cam or Cecil) paradigm lost in an Einsteinian Universe?  Hey, it happens.  Look at me. Besides, the Big Boy conferences like it that way. 

It’s just that these darn news media investigators have to poke their noses where they don’t belong.

Anyway, USC and Pat Haden better get their act together and find that appeals decision right quick, or they are going to look awful silly when the NCAA produces its dated FedEx receipt from a month ago—right on schedule.

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