Mumbai model Poonam Pandey promises a bare all if her cricket team beats Sri Lanka for the World Cup.
In a news release from New Delhi, young model Pandey thinks nudity will inspire the Indian cricketeers to play better in front of their home crowd to bring home their first championship since 1983.
She says she'll either strip in front of thousands if permitted, but she's also open to a dressing room only peep show if the Indian cricket board permits it.
"I'm a cricket fanatic and a diehard supporter of my nation," she reportedly said. "India needs lots of support and this is my way of supporting the team."
She promises this is not a publicity stunt and wants "to excite our boys to play better."
Hold it! Let's think this over a bit.
Don't cricket matches last a long time?
Don't you stay in one spot for quite a while?
If it rains, might we see a sticky wicket?
I'm not sure having your cricket players excited about nude models will allow them to be their best.
How well can you bowl when aroused?
I'm just asking.
We've got some slides and videos and more questions.
Does this work? Are athletes so impressed with nudity they'll play noticeably better?
It's been tried in other countries. Larissa Riquelme of Paraguay and Luciene Salazar of Argentina both promised to strip if their soccer teams won the FIFA world Cup.
But does it work in India?
"Oh, my friend, it most certainly does!"
It's my pal, Ravi Patel, the only Patel without a hotel.
"If she promises to strip, the boys play much better."
But what about the long matches, the many bowlers and the sticky wickets?
"Oh, oh, oh, oh my friend, don't stay sticky wicket. It has double meaning."
Okay, but this gal is getting more pub than the match.
"Oh, possible," says Ravi. "She is beautiful and only model swim suits."
Were you shocked India beat Pakistan?
"Very much. Pakistan always very good. Tough team to beat. Do you have more pictures of Miss Pandey?"
Why sure I do. Even videos. I'll throw one up now.
Are the Indian players aware of this reward?
We don't know.
Attempts to reach Venkatesh Prasad were unsuccessful. And by attempts we, of course, mean telepathic.
Do you how many Venkatesh Prasads are on Facebook?
I couldn't even reach him when I called about getting my computer fixed.
"Oh, they are aware," says Ravi. "You can wager they aware."
That's good because you'd hate to think Miss Pandey goes sans panties and nobody notices.
"If a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound?"
Sure it does, Ravi. It says "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up... What does this have to do with Poonam Pandey?"
"It's only a metaphor. Miss Poonam isn't going to strip with no one watching. By the way, do you have any more videos of her?"
I do. See above.
They wrote the Kama Sutra but they're still a bit prudish about public nudity, the Indians I mean.
Many, many Indian cricket fans view this promise as a cheap publicity stunt.
They feel she's riding on the team's coat tails or pith helmets or whatever to advance her career.
She, on the other hand, claims she doesn't need the pub and is already the most downloaded Indian model on the internet.
Is she the Indian equivalent to our Tila Tequila, an attention whore without limits or sense?
Possibly. Take a listen to this video, one of dozens from cricket fans unimpressed with her attempts to spirit the team.
From this film it appears all this Poonam Pandey nude stuff is moot anyway.
Sri Lanka is too tricky. That curly haired bowler is wicked mean.
We wonder if Sri Lanka has models who are going to pose nude when their side wins.
We might have written a story on the wrong "most downloaded model on the internet" model.