Another RAW, another review. Hope you enjoy.
RAW coming to us live from Chi-town.
Quick side note: Miz was on Conan last week and neither he nor Conan even mentioned that Miz would be fighting John Cena at Wrestlemania. The interview was all about him. I may be reading too much into this, but that, combined with the fact that Miz just debuted his new belt, gives me the feeling that MIZ might walk out of the Georgia Dome the WWE champ.
RAW opens with CM Punk in the ring sitting Indian-style. He is getting a lot of cheers from the home crowd. Punk calling Orton Randal Keith Orton is getting to be a little much. Punk just turned on the crowd, saying he doesn’t care what happens to anyone in the New Nexus or the people of Chicago. Oh man Punk almost called us “the world” instead of the “WWE Universe”. That could have been disastrous. We get a recap of last week’s ambush and Punk says he will finish this at Wrestlemania.
I hear voices in my head. Out comes Randal Keith Orton. He limps his way to the ring while Punk laughs at him. Punk just jumped him as Orton entered, but Orton turned the tide and struck with a spike DDT. He sets up for the punt but his knee buckles. The crowd strikes up another roaring “CM PUNK!” chant. Orton does his best to get after Punk but Punk knocks him down easily then stands over Randal Keith Orton laughing before hitting him with the Go To Sleep. That was a pretty awesome way to start off RAW six days before Wrestlemania. I am pumped now.
Christian’s back stage talking to Edge. Apparently Edge is allowed to take out Alberto Del Rio on RAW. They head to the ring.
You think you know me? Edge has unquestionably the best entrance music. Swagger and Cena are pretty close. Christian comes out as well. I don’t know why they didn’t just come out together. Over/under on how many times they mention that RAW is brought to us by WWE All-Stars tonight/WWE All-Stars commercials: 13.5. We are at three, I believe. Del Rio and his tremendous NXT rookie will take on E & C. This should be a great match.
The rook vs the champ start us off in the ring. E & C trading quick tags early. It’s almost like they’ve done this before. We go to commercial with Christian having the upper hand on the rook.
Up to four.
Del Rio took control during the break. If the RAW GM puts Christian in the title match at Wrestlemania and Christian wins would it totally redeem itself? Del Rio and the rook working Christian well but Christian counters a Del Rio corner splash with a kick then hits a nasty Tornado DDT. Both get the tag and Edge takes control. He sets up for the spear but Del Rio trips him up then takes out Christian. Edge hits the spear on the rook to get the win while Del Rio puts the cross-arm breaker on Christian on the outside. Fun match. Predictable ending. Why doesn’t Edge hit the spear every time he bounces off the rope?
Del Rio takes Edge out and throws him in the cross-arm breaker. RAW on fire in the first 30 minutes.
We get the first shot of Cole in the Cole Mine and I think the guy guarding him has a gun.
Now that’s a Sin Cara promo video. No more weird effects. Just lightning and bad-assery.
I think the WWE reads my reviews. No more trippy Sin Cara promo AND Cole is getting his e-mails in the Cole Mine. If someone gets thrown through the Cole Mine tonight I swear I am going to sue WWE for idea theft. Cole announces Lawler will go head-to-head with the all American American American American American tonight.
We get a solid 35 minute Undertaker vs. Triple H video. How did they do that? They’ve only been in the ring together for 35 seconds the past five weeks. I’m really starting to get worried that Triple H will die at Wrestlemania. They really put a lot of emphasis on that part of his speech.
Tough Enough commercials are just obliterating my over/under right now.
The Corre are in the ring to take on Show-Kane (nevermind that just sounds awful). And in comes Santino and Kozlov! The Wrestlemania match will now be Corre vs. Santino, Kozlov, Show, and Kane. As much as I love Santino I do think this brings the intensity factor of the match wayyyyy down.
Sorry, it’s Santino vs. Gabriel one-on-one. It’s nice to see Gabriel in a one-on-one match. Back and forth match until Santino takes control and raises the roof. All sorts of interference going on now. Santino pumps it up and nails the Cobra then, I believe, tells the Corre to do unspeakable things with their mouths. Everyone joins in including, to the crowd’s delight, Kane. What started out as a pretty badass feud has become pretty much a joke. I get the feeling they don’t have trombones in Russia.
And we are up to five! That’s one every ten minutes. Anyone who took the under is looking good.
Six! My roommate can’t sit through an entire WWE All-Stars commercial without laughing. The game looks like wrestling meets Tony Hawk Pro Skater.
Hold on I have to Wikipedia Keri Hilson.
DING! In comes the Dead Man. In comes the Game and more shots of naïve fans with 18-1 signs. Undertaker cut Triple H’s music short with a DING! That was awesome not just because of the mind games but because if Taker had let him go on their entrances would have taken up 25 minutes and we would have had to cut to commercial break while Triple H flexed on all the turnbuckles.
It’s HBK!!! The Showstopper comes in to dance around and be a goofball. What a RAW so far! Both Triple H and Taker look pissed. Oh wow. Shawn Michaels just looked at Undertaker and said, “What in the world makes you think”, turned to Triple H, “that you can do what I couldn’t”. Triple H says HBK got soft. He says he got too caught up in being the Showstopper and Mr. Wrestlemania and forgot about winning. Triple H says he has to win and will win. The Game says he watched Undertaker be the guy that the WWE was and should be and that HBK is the only one that he respects more than Taker. He has come back out of respect, to tell the Undertaker it’s time Taker hangs it up. Where was this three weeks ago?
Another guy yelling, “GET HIM A BODYBAG!!!” That can’t be the same guy can it?
Taker says, “If there’s ever a time when I feel like someone should put me down, I want that guy to be you. But it is not that time.” Taker rips on HBK then bitch slaps him. Taker effortlessly catches a Superkick but Triple H jumps in the middle before Undertaker can Chokeslam HBK. Triple H wants Michaels to tell Undertaker why he will win at Wrestlemania but Michaels walks out on him without a word. I tried to capture that as best as I could in writing but that was something you need to watch to completely grasp how awesome it was. Seriously where was this buildup three or four weeks ago? I’m almost excited for this match now. Almost.
Swagger vs Cole up next. 10 bucks says there’s a DQ. Out of the eight competitors so far five have been Smackdown Superstars, two RAW Superstars and one announcer. Did anyone take the bet? Lawler decks Swagger with a chair shot then chases Cole back into the Cole Mine. He smacks the Cole Mine a few times with his chair then tries to climb in as the now unquestionably armed bodyguards pull him down. I’m not sure that counts but I am definitely keeping my eye out in upcoming weeks.
“I’m Mr. Bradstone. I’m the Chaperone.”
Vickie comes in and makes fun of John Morrison’s entrance. Ziggler in next. And now King Sheamus the Irish US Champ. They will take on Daniel Bryan and Morrison. This should be good. We go to commercial break with Sheamus having the upper hand on Morrison. That Triple H, Undertaker, HBK promo just killed all the WWE All-Stars momentum.
We pick up after the commercial break where we left off: Sheamus still taking it to Morrison. Both men down now. The double tag sets Daniel Bryan on fire and he takes out Ziggler and Sheamus then puts Ziggler in the cross-face. Sheamus saved him then got tagged in and absolutely leveled Bryan. Sheamus hits Bryan with Pale Justice (they couldn’t think of a better name?). Fun match. Very fun in fact. The only way this RAW could get better right now is if they rattle off seven straight WWE All-Stars commercials so we can hit the over.
Orton is shown icing his knee. Nice little short promo there where he says “it is not whether he will make it to Wrestlemania, but whether CM Punk will make it out.”
In case you missed it the first 94 times, Tough Enough will premier after RAW next Monday.
Seven! Come on WWE you can do it! I know you can!
Eight! They even showed the cover of the game during the Hall of Fame Inductees screen. Not sure if I should count that one. Eh, why not? Nine! So close to double digits.
Great Road Warriors promo. Best part by far: “We are so bad… that we were giving our mother kidney punches before we were even born.”
Who is actually calling it Snooki-Mania? Trish and Snooki are in a bar. Some ass-clown keeps interrupting the interview so Snooki slaps the tan off of him. She’s got a hell of a slap. Lay-Cool show up to the bar and there’s a brawl. “Mania, bitch!”
IF YOU SMELL!!! In comes Rock. Come on Rock there’s only like 10 minutes left of RAW stop hamming it up. What a reception for the Rock. Team Bring It? Rock says Cena dresses like a homeless Power Ranger. Good stuff. How does this guy take so much time off then just come back and do killer promos like it’s nothing? Rock just said RAW is brought to us today by WWE All-Stars.
In comes Cena. Not a good reception. The tension is palpable right now. Why are they chanting “CENA SUCKS!” The man is doing a killer promo that has put the Rock on a pedestal right now. Cena just asked Rock “Who in the hell are you?” Besides Michael’s farewell speech this might be the biggest thing I’ve ever seen on RAW. These two are both absolutely on fire right now. I love how Cena’s “accent” keeps going in and out.
Just when it looks like they might do battle MIZ comes in. He calls Rock overhyped and Cena overrated. Riley suckerpunched Rock but Rock jumps back. He drops MIZ with a DDT then hits him with the People’s Elbow. VINTAGE ROCK! Cena sneeks up and hits Rock with an Attitude Adjustment and gives him the “you can’t see me” as every single person in Chicago boos him.
Wow what a RAW. I’m not even sure what else to say. If you didn’t see the Rock/Cena/Miz promo you HAVE to check it out. Despite Cena having the upper hand again I still think MIZ wins. Whether it’s due to help from Riley, Rock, or he just beats him clean, I think MIZ will be WWE CHAMP when Wrestlemania comes to a close.
Not sure if I’ll be able to do a Wrestlemania review for a few reasons: 1)I don’t think Champs allows you to bring computers into their restaurant, and 2)I have a TON of work to do so I may have to do work instead of write while I watch it if I don’t end up going to Champs. We’ll see how it goes. Until next week. You have been a lovely, lovely audience.