Mike Riley Gets a Special Visitor in Oregon State-Utah
MIKE RILEY: (after Oregon State scores the touchdown with under two minutes left) OOH, I LIKE OUR CHANCES. Proud of our bunch of boys. Two top 10 teams down in a row. We just keep on crashing the party.
Lyle Moevao: “We did it coach! 3-2 baby, we rocking up the Pac-10!”
Mike Riley: What a darn nice fellow that Lyle boy is. I knew he’d be something someday. Yep, everything’s looking up now. Maybe we got a shot at bigger things...
(Thunder and lightning pound inside Riley’s head)
Riley: Gee golly Jeepers, who in the malarkey could be coming now?
God: WHO DARES TRY TO DISTURB MY CHOSEN PEOPLE???
Riley: Oh gosh, God? Is that you?
God: (sighs) No, it’s Sarah Palin. OF COURSE IT’S GOD.
Riley: Oh noes, what’s have I done Lord? Why have you come for me now?
God: Thoust can do what thee want within thy smoking heathens and they drug addict witch doctors in thou pagan woods. But thou art in THE COUNTRY OF GOD now Mike. Thou doesn’t mess with God’s people here and get away with it.
Riley: What do I gotta do?
God: Thou don’t have to do anything. In fact, that’s exactly what God wants thee to tell thy genius DC over here. Do nothing. Play the prevent. Prevent time from running off the clock.
Riley: (mesmerized) Sounds fantastic, my Lord.
God: Then when thoust give up the inevitable score in about 30 seconds, sit on your hands and get a monumental three and out. One for the ages. A run out of bounds and two passes will do the trick, doesn’t thou think?
Riley: Mmm...going through the motions. I can manage that. I’m very good at that.
God: Excellent. The chosen ones will take care of the rest. Now thou can go back to winning seven to eight games on the West Coast. Just don’t mess with us here, K?
Riley: Mmm-k, okie dokie.
God: Good Mike, I’m glad thou came to thy senses. That spawn of Satan Neuweasel fellow took a little bit longer to convince. Had to threaten him with frogs in the mouth. Most unpleasant. His reckoning was swift and painful. He isn’t messing with God’s servant in the Pac-10.
Riley: Your servant? Who could that...
God: Oops, gotta go. Hey, you’d better watch the game, looks like they’re lining up for the kick. *poof*
Riley: What a nice guy. I just wish...wait...why is the game tied? And what is going...
(Utah fans rush the field, gates to The Promised Land open, everyone in Ute red gets sucked into the portal and into the light, while darkness rushes over the befuddled and disheveled Oregon State coaching staff and players as the celebration and noise dissipates into the ether.)
Riley: Uh...anyone there?
Lyle: Coach, why the hell did you make me pass the ball?
Riley: Shut your yapper and find a match.
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