Back with my second RAW review.
RAW live from Pittsburgh, PA.
JR will start out the show. Never mind, it’s Michaels Cole dressed in a JR costume. This is surprisingly amusing. Maybe it’s just because RAW was so bad last week. Cole just accidentally ripped off his microphone and a deafening “YOU SUCK!” chant drowns him out. Cole then retreats into the “Cole Mine.” “I’m in the fortress of aptitude and attitude.” More like the Fortress of Craptitude and Assitude amiright? Anyone?... Guys? Let’s move on.
It’s time to play the game. Triple H out to talk. Just saw some naïve kid’s sign that said “R.I.P Undertaker. 18-1.” Triple H says this is the biggest match of his career. He says he wants Undertaker to come to RAW next week so he can look at him eye-to-eye and tell Undertaker he will lose at Wrestlemania. Pretty boring so far. Undertaker better interrupt. This “rivalry” is severely missing brawls.
We have an interruption! Unfortunately it’s Ted Dibiase. Huh? “This year I am an afterthought.” Truer words have never been spoken, Dibiase. Triple H just annihilated him. I really want someone to get thrown through the Cole Mine at some point. Triple H just Pedigreed Dibiase through the announce table. Second time we’ve seen this in three weeks. Do you think he will do it to Taker at Wrestlemania?
A fan just yelled “GET HIM A BODY BAG!!! YEA!!!” I have a bad feeling RAW has nowhere to go but down after that.
Bourne vs Sheamus. This should be quick. King Sheamus the Irish US Champ manhandling Bourne. Bourne connects on the spinning heel kick but misses on the Shooting Star Press. King Sheamus, the Irish US Champ, nails him with a Brogue kick. It took me longer to type that paragraph than the match itself actually lasted.
“I AM THE CHAMPION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!!!” That was amazing. Daniel Bryan interrupts to tell Sheamus he is going to invoke his rematch clause at Wrestlemania then get kicked in the mouth. Big move by the WWE. This should be a great match at Wrestlemania.
“Go back to Sonic and buy a hot dog.” Not sure what Michael Cole meant by that one.
Orton will wrestle Mysterio in a Wrestlemania Rewind Match tonight. The guy who fought CM Punk last year at Wrestlemania against the guy who will fight CM Punk this year at Wrestlemania. Coincidence? I think not.
Really boring interview with Randy Orton who says he has dismantled the New Nexus one-by-one.
Maryse fought Eve and lost. That’s all there is to know there.
Apparently John Cena and Delta Airlines combined with the Make-A-Wish Foundation to raise enough frequent flyer miles to send one child around the world 150 times. I feel like the kid is going to get sick of that after the first 30-40 trips.
Santino and Kozlov will fight the tag team champs! RAW, up and down as always. Back and forth match until Kozlov comes in. Barrett helped the champs win in another real quick match. And now the Corre are beating down Santino and Kozlov. Big Show and Kane come in to take them out. Monster double Chokeslam on Ezekial Jackson. I love Big Show and Kane’s entrance.
45 minutes of show, 4.5 minutes of wrestling so far.
Interview with Cena who is in his home, which looks surprisingly like a lot of the sets the WWE uses when they do interviews like this. I was literally holding my controller ready to throw it at the screen if there was another mention of fruity-pebbles. Thankfully that doesn’t happen. Cole comes out of his Cole Mine to grace us with his presence. He says he has another surprise for Lawler.
Grand Master Sexy gave Cole a Lawler Family Photo Album. Cole then proceeds to go through the album to make Lawler miserable. Cole has made fun of both of Lawler’s dead parents so far. What if WWE books him to win at Wrestlemania? Would people riot? Would Bleacher Report crash within 3.5 seconds of the King tapping out to the An-Cole Lock?
Lawler just took out Swagger who was acting as a body guard then got a really creepy face as he looked up at Cole in the ring. Swagger then decked Lawler as he chased Cole around the ring and rubbed King's face up against the Cole Mine glass window as Cole watched from inside in a totally un-cowardly fashion. Michael Cole’s bully vocabulary consists of exactly three words: dork, coward, and loser.
Cole just apologized for his actions and said that Lawler “keeps pushing his buttons.” I’m not sure what Cole thinks that means.
SNOOKI-MANIA!!! AHHHHH!!!!!! “GTL in the ATL!” That’s two weeks in a row, Josh Matthews. You’re better than that.
I am perfection. In comes Ziggler. He will fight Morrison who enters with Trish. Trish in a bikini on the cover of Oxygen Magazine is much more welcome than Snooki on the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine. I guess Ziggler is on RAW now. I guess I was mistaken when I thought that Vicki gets to stay on RAW because she won last week. It was Ziggler who got to stay.
I just realized something amazing. An hour and fifteen minutes into RAW and no GM shenanigans.
There was interference by Trish and Lay-Cool so the GM decides the match will now be a 4-on-2 mixed tag team match. So it is team Morrison minus one pivotal role-player in Snooki vs Team Ziggler plus a woman who is willing to risk damaging her shoe in order to win a match? And this is fair?
Morrison misses with the running knee and Ziggler tags in Layla who is looking AWWWESSSSOMMMEEE tonight. Nice teamwork by Layla and McCool.
Cole on Vicki Guererro: “She is like Pat Summitt for her team.” Good Lord, Cole.
In comes Vicki. “It’s couger time!” Trish gets the tag and Morrison wipes the floor with Ziggler. Morrison misses the Starship Pain and Ziggler hits the Zig-Zag. Vicki for some reason was allowed to come in to pick up the pinfall.
“Ladies and Gentlemen can you believe it?” Yes, it was 4-on-2.
Who makes these Sin Cara promos? I think this is what you would see if you watched a Rey Mysterio match on acid.
I’m really surprised that there is no mention of vengeance when it comes to why Triple H is challenging the Undertaker. Triple H is doing this solely for himself. I’m guessing that means we will not see a Shawn Michaels cameo.
I hear voices in my head. Orton vs. Mysterio up next. I’d be more pumped for this match if I wasn’t positive that CM Punk was going to completely mess this up.
Orton just dominating Mysterio. Here comes Mysterio. Seated-senton from the top rope then runs right into a scoop powerslam. Great series of counters. Mysterio counters the spike DDT then Orton counters the 619 back into the spike DDT. And on cue here’s CM Punk who tells Orton he is going to meet Orton’s wife in his bus. Definitely not PG. Orton walks into an ambush.
110 minutes of show, 11 minutes of wrestling so far. I’m on to you McMahon.
BREAKING NEWS!!! Undertaker has accepted Triple H’s challenge. What if he declined and was like, ”eh, I don’t really feel like it.”?
Rock will also be back live! This I am excited about because I am tired of video promos.
Alex Riley is back! He introduces the Miz who apparently is the best man at Riley’s wedding. “How can the groom also be the best man?” That one was my roommate. Good form. He’s on fire tonight. Unfortunately most of what he says cannot be published.
Miz is out with what I believe is a leather suit. He unveils a new “Miz belt” with the WWE sign upside down to look like an “M.” Very clever. “This is what the WWE Championship will look like. It will no longer spin like a toy.” Very nice.
Cena interrupts via satellite. “The WWE Universe knows I am not invincible.” I didn’t know that. And the WWE staff just packed up his entire living room. Called that one. “He's in Sidney Crosby’s living room!” Seriously, just top form from the roommate tonight.
Legit brawl going on right now between Cena and Miz and Riley. Miz and Riley escape but Riley comes back in to do his job and get locked into the opponent’s finishing move. I love when wrestlers tap during brawls. Cena puts Riley in the STF thirteen more times then we fade out.
Hmm…not sure what to think of that RAW. Cole and Matthews were great on commentary, giving each other a hard time the whole night. It was very good in story building, but seriously lacked any semblance of actual wrestling. It once again ended on a solid note, though. Until next week. You have been a lovely, lovely audience.
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