WWE Universe: The Dear Ashley Results Are Here

Double A .Correspondent IIMarch 21, 2011

WWE Universe: The Dear Ashley Results Are Here

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    Hello, Fellow Wrestling Enthusiasts.

    The answers you have been waiting for are finally here.  It took longer than anticipated to get the spirits to cooperate or because I was locked out of my account for a week, take your pick.

    Anyways after searching the spirit world, consulting my Magic 8-ball, and eating a lot of Slim Jims, I have come up with the solutions to your problems.  Enjoy.

The Brooklyn Brawler

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    Dear Ashley,

    I have some "friends" who keep insisting that the "competition" is actually better than what takes place on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday (at 8 PM/7PM Central), and Friday nights. How would the Brooklyn Brawler handle this situation?

    Dear "I have some friends",

    The wise, all powerful, all knowing Ashley is happy to hear you have friends.  Friends are an important part of life.  They loan you money, bail you out of jail, tag embarrassing photos of you on Facebook, etc.

    I am guessing that perhaps your coolest friend lives somewhere sunny, on the coast, near Mexico...San Diego maybe??? Nevertheless, let us get on to your question.  I channeled the Brooklyn Brawler and this is the spiritual vibe I received:

    "I am no stranger to being underrated and under-appreciated but always knew I was the best.  So I can relate to your friends and TNA... I mean the unnamed show you mentioned.  You want to know how I would handle this situation? If I were you I would give your friends a sidewalk smash and say 'conversation over.'"

John Cena

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    Dear Ashley,

    I have a question. My friends often criticize me for eating Fruity Pebbles. It has practically destroyed my confidence. I feel afraid to get out of my home. What should I do?? What does Cena do?

    Dear Fruity Pebble Enthusiast,

    The Mighty Ashley did not have to think long or hard about this question.  Do you want friends or do you want to eat fruity breakfast cereal? That is the choice the wise Ashley thinks you need to make, but alas you asked for Cena's help...

    "Yo...yo...Your friends are being whack but I got your back, you need to be a rebel and enjoy you're fruity pebbles.  Don't worry if you happen to get into a scuffle, say you can't see me and hit 'em with a five knuckle shuffle."

Bret Hart

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    Dear Ashley,

    I got two dates tonight: one with a girl who is smokin' hot and one with a girl who I like for her attitude and charisma

    What would BRET HART do? 

    Dear Ladies Man,

    Quite the predicament... The wise Ashley has this to offer... If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman you're wife...so your friend won't try and sleep with her...however, let us consult Bret:

    "Kid, if you are anything like me, you are the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be... either lady is lucky to have you...after three marriages I can tell you, go for the hottie and keep the charismatic one's phone number so when you find yourself in the middle of the Smokin' Babe Screw Job, you have a back up."

Mark Henry

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    Dear Ashley,

    Out of curiosity i wanted to know whats the worst drink in the world, so i made a Grilled Lettuce Milkshake with Eggplant, Mint, and Mustard. If I was Mark Henry, would I drink it?

    Dear Gross Me Out,

    Are you sure that you aren't inferring if the cast of Jackass 3D would drink that toxic concoction?

    I think if the World's Strongest Man drank that, you would see the World's Biggest Pile of Throw Up. 

Randy Orton

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    Dear Ashley,

    What would you do if you went to a zoo and saw Randy Orton about to punt a panda?

    Dear Panda Pal,

    If her excellency, the great and powerful Ashley, saw Orton punting a panda at the Zoo..She would simply approach him and say, "Punt all the pandas you want; it still won't make people care that you were champ."

Scott Hall

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    Dear Ashley,

    I hired pro wrestling's hottest free agent to my company over a year ago to be the face of our promotion, despite knowing full and well his documented history with substance abuse, unreliability, and lackluster performances unless "properly motivated."

    My company is losing money by the minute and there's very little hope of a turnaround unless something is done.

    How would Scott Hall handle this situation?

    Dear "TNA"

    Scott Hall would point and laugh at TNA and say, REALLY??? You guys didn't learn your lesson with me."

Eric Bischoff

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    Dear Ashley,

    What are your thoughts on long distance relationships? I am speaking, of course, about the current love affair that has been going on for quite a while now between Eric Bischoff and Vince McMahon's bank account?

    He's been lusting after this thing since his WCW days, and the obsession seems to be worsening, as he is currently pulling yet another company down in his quest to gain untold riches at the expense of loyal wrestling fans everywhere.

    Are these two meant to be, or is Bischoff simply living his life with his head in the clouds, dreaming of the day when he and all those Benjamins will live happily ever after?

    Please advise,

    Disgusted in North Carolina

    Dear Disgusted in North Carolina,

    Bischoff is in La La Land.  He thinks by mimicking McMahon's ideas, even the crappy ones, that he can put this promotion on top.  He failed at this with WCW and he is sinking TNA at the moment.

    My take, Bischoff will never have McMahon's Benjamins.... the relationship is doomed.

    Remember Bischoff, Controversy Creates Cash, not trying the same half-assed ideas over and over again and expecting a different result.