I've decided to do a RAW review article because, to be quite frank most of the ones on this sight sort of suck. With the exception of Daniel Massey's, who I will link to in case you absolutely hate my review and want one of better quality. If you do hate the review let me hear it in the comments and I will stop doing them.
RAW coming to us live from St. Louis, Missouri tonight.
Rock promo to start out RAW. This is getting kinda old. Cena interrupts. Nope, wait it’s just a little kid dressed in Cena gear. This kid is a better actor than The Rock and Cena combined. I don’t think 2-5 year olds watch wrestling, sorry Rock. ENOUGH WITH THE FRUITY PEBBLES!!! Well that was pretty lame. Moving on.
Apparently Michael Cole will be broadcasting form the pope-mobile tonight.
Miz comes out to cut a solid promo and ends with an awesome “AWWWESSSSOOOMMMMEEE!!!”. GM buzzes in (ugh). Not sure why Cole didn’t think to put the laptop in his pope-mobile. Lawler interrupts him and announces that Cena will have to fight Alberto Del Rio. Miz will have to fight… The Great Khali? Well if this RAW brings us nothing else at least we know that Khali is still alive. Well until Miz just destroys him with a chair. Jesus Christ. More unintentional blood. This seems to be a weekly thing. At what point do we start to wonder if it’s intentional? Riley interrupted the match to help Miz get the upper hand. Gotta say I’m pretty pumped for Del Rio vs. Cena.
Orton will fight Mason Ryan tonight. Prediction: Orton will win with an RKO OUT OF NOWHERE!!! then punt Ryan in the head while Punk begs him not to. I really hope this does not happen. What’s the point in having a stable if you’re not going to let them do stable-y things like mess up matches?
John Cena has amassed 5 million facebook friends, passing such huge stars like Shaq, Tiger and… Jennifer Lopez. When’s the last time she was relevant? I think since that whole green dress thing, which, by the way, was AWWWESSSOMMMMEEE!!!
Triple H vs Undertaker video. Gotta say I’m not too pumped for this match. It has potential to be great but I feel like it’s going to just be too long and drawn out. I just get the feeling Triple H is going to overdo it and kick out of like 4 tombstones to try and make it interesting, but in reality everyone is just going to be watching thinking, “Come on we know you’re going to lose. You’re not fooling anyone.”
Snooki and Vicki Guerrero on the same screen. Vicki just said she was offered to pose in Playboy (can’t un-hear that). Snooki just slapped the shit out of her. That was the least erotic thing I have ever witnessed. Let’s move on.
Hey, Daniel Bryan is going wrestle tonight! Sheamus will fight him for the US TITLE and quit if he loses. I hope Sheamus gets the win. He really needs to start up a tear. The guy can wrestle and talk and he just looks like he can kicks someone’s ass. We go to commercial with Bryan having the upper hand. Surprisingly underwhelming match so far.
Sheaums levels Bryan a few times to get the upper hand. The Chaperone’s on DVD? Hold on I’m going to run to my nearest Blockbuster to pick up a copy. Uh oh, Sheamus just injured his ankle again. Shaemus misses wildly on a Brogue Kick and Bryan puts him in the cross-face. Luckily Sheamus gets to the rope. Things are looking up for him. Until Bryan gets the upper hand again. Wow what a kick from Bryan. Eat your heart-out John Morrison. Bryan launches himself off the top rope and right into a Brogue Kick! 1-2-3. Sheamus is the US Champ! An Irish US CHAMP! Wonderful. The thought of Sheamus being the US Champ during St. Patrick’s Day gives me goose bumps.
Chaperone commercial. Just think of Arnold Schwarzenegger in Kindergarten Cop… BUT BETTER! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OaTO8_KNcuo#t=4s
Michael Cole in the ring to interview someone from King’s past to uncover something about the King. Some idiot who calls himself “Grand Master Sexy” comes out to dance. Apparently he is Lawler’s son. He rips Lawler for saying he never felt like Lawler was a father to him. This is just brutal. RAW has been real up and down tonight.
Just when I say that the drum beats and JR comes out to confront Michael Cole. Never mind this is even more boring than it was before. JR called Cole a “rat bastard”. Anyone else wondering if we are creeping out of the PG era? Slowly but surely?
Oh god. Looks like Cole and JR are gonna square off. This could be ugly. Never mind. Swagger just jumped Lawler and then threw JR in the ankle-lock. I can’t take any more of this so I’m going to just fast forward through it.
Orton vs Ryan up next. Ryan starts strong. Hits a rock bottom-esque sidewalk slam. FROM OUT OF NOWHERE THE RKO!!! Seriously, I didn’t see that coming. Seriously. And Orton punts Ryan. Punk chases him into the ring and they have a really cheesy looking standoff.
“The New York Times best-selling author will be fist-pumping her way to Monday Night’s GTR. Gym, tanning, Raw.” This is almost becoming unwatchable. And as I say that Drew Carry will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame.
Snooki out to talk. I’m not sure what she’s saying because I don’t speak gnome. Vicki interrupts. These two should not be allowed on the screen at the same time. Snooki’s been on the cover of Rolling Stone. Tonight’s show has more signs of the decline of western civilization than a Tea Party rally. Trish comes out to save the day. She will wrestle Vickie.
Oh God. No one wants to see Vickie Guerrero stretch or do jumping jacks. If Vickie wins she will be able to stay on RAW. Vickie throws her shoe at Trish. Seriously, who throws a shoe? Unfortunately that’s as captivating as this match is going to get. Ziggler gets in the middle of the match. But here comes John Morrison of all people. Lay Cool lays out Trish and Vicki gets the win. That was about as unpredictable as the Bella Twins last two switch-aroos.
And now Snooki is kicking ass! And Lay-Cool and Ziggler will fight Trish, Snooki, and Morrison at Wrestlemania. “I didn’t think Wrestlemania could get any bigger!” Thanks Josh Matthews. Unless that was a dig at Snooki I’m going to say you should sit the next couple plays out.
Sin Cara video that I think was done with Smackdown vs. Raw.
Cena vs Del-Rio next. If this match sucks I’m going to be really pissed. Del Rio out first with his NXT rookie who looks like a character out of a motorcycle racing game. Del Rio starts with some submissions but Cena comes back. We go to commercial break and learn that the Rock is in the building (ugh). Matthews questions how Cole knows this. Have you seen where Cole is broadcasting from? It’s clearly hooked up. Double clothesline and they’re both down.
Vintage Cena! Shoulder block, shoulder block, back drop suplex thing, five knuckle shuffle. And the rook comes into attack Cena. DQ. And here’s Rock. NOPE! It’s Miz with a bald cap on his head and Rock gear. He drops Cena with a Rock Bottom then just destroys him with a mic shot to the head. Miz has a vein popping out of his face right now that’s bigger than my biceps. We end off the show with Miz giving Cena a Skull Crushing Finale on the WWE statue thing at the top of the ramp.
This show had some bright spots in the beginning and ended nicely but was pretty lame overall. I’m pretty disappointed Punk won’t have his cronies at ring-side. Seriously, what’s the point of the New Nexus? Oh well. Until next week. You have been a lovely, lovely audience.