The Official B/R March Madness Drinking Game

Colin Ward-HenningerContributor IMarch 16, 2011

The Official B/R March Madness Drinking Game

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    Last year's March Madness Drinking Game winnerChris Chambers/Getty Images

    I know you're excited for March Madness, but there's one thing that makes everything just a little bit better: drinking.

    If you went to college (or just hung around a college and went to the parties), you know that you can make a drinking game out of pretty much anything. So why not try our hand at a March Madness drinking game?

    The rules are very specific and, if you break one, at the end of the party you'll have to mix all the leftover drinks into one cup and chug it. So pay attention. 

Every Time Dick Vitale Says "Diaper Dandy": One Drink

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    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    We all know Dick Vitale likes 'em young.

    With freshman superstars like Kentucky's Brandon Knight, UNC's Harrison Barnes and Ohio State's Jared Sullinger, he's certainly not short on material this year.

    With that in mind, every time Dicky V says "diaper dandy," you only have to take one drink. Otherwise, none of us will be conscious to see the second round.

Every Time a Player's Mom Is Shown in the Stands: One Shot

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    I don't know if it's a recent development, but there's nothing TV stations love more than showing college players' mothers in the stands.

    Stephen Curry's mom, Sonya, got more airtime than an X-Games skateboarder when Davidson made its run a few years ago. Well, guess what?

    Sonya's back! This time supporting her younger son, Seth, who plays for Duke. We already saw her many times during the ACC tournament, so there's no reason to think we won't be seeing even more of her in the next few weeks.

    Every time she or any other mom appears on screen, take a shot. Oh yeah, and if they happen to show a mom and a dad...make it a double. 

Every Time Jimmer Fredette's NBA Career Is Debated: One Drink of O'Douls

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    Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

    Jimmer Fredette is the latest in a long line of white college basketball players who will hit their career pinnacle during the NCAA Tournament.

    Just like Christian Laettner, Wally Szczerbiak, JJ Redick and Adam Morrison before him, the commentators will continually debate the upside to Jimmer's NBA career throughout the tourney.

    When this happens, in an effort to abide by BYU's honor code, we'll be taking swigs of non-alcoholic beer.

    Unless of course Dick Vitale says the exact phrase, "I'm sick of hearing people say Jimmer Fredette won't be a great NBA player, baby!" Then we screw the honor code and chug a real beer to applaud the lunacy of the statement.

    Maybe Brandon Davies and his girlfriend can join us.

Every Time a Blood Vessel Bursts in Gus Johnson's Head: Shotgun a Beer

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    The NCAA Tournament is sure to be filled with exciting moments that make you jump out of your seat and set a Guinness World Record for high fives with your buddies.

    That feeling is only elevated when you hear Gus Johnson making sounds only heard during a root canal with no anesthesia.

    Every time you hear that sound, check to make sure nobody's hurt, and then take out a key and shotgun a beer. Gus would have wanted it that way.

Every Time Kenny Smith Says the Word "Extablish": One Shot

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    TNT and TBS will be covering some of the games this year, so that means we'll occasionally be treated to the dazzling color commentary of Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley.

    If the Selection Sunday show was any indication, we are in for a treat. Kenny Smith has enough problems talking about the NBA, and he's been doing that for over a decade.

    It was clear that Kenny had some issues with the college game, namely that he has no idea who any of the teams, players or coaches are.

    I imagine he'll be going back to his bread and butter, "he needs to extablish himself in the post!" many times throughout the tournament.

    Every time he does, you extablish yourself in front of a shot of Cuervo.

Every Time a Player's Wingspan Is Mentioned: Two Drinks

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    Streeter Lecka/Getty Images

    Apparently it doesn't matter how tall a player is anymore. What really matters is his wingspan. I guess that's the college basketball adaptation of "it's not the size that matters, it's how you use it."

    As the commentators talk about the NBA prospects of the players in the tournament, they will unquestionably turn to what Jay Bilas likes to call "long length." I think that's the scientific term.

    When this happens, that's your cue to take two drinks...one for your height and one for your wingspan.

Every Time a White Player Is Said to Possess a "High Basketball IQ": Chug a Beer

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    Mike Lawrie/Getty Images

    Just as "athleticism" is used to describe a player who can do a between-the-legs dunk but can't draw rim on a 15-footer, the term "high basketball IQ" is used to refer to a player who looks like he couldn't make your high school JV team, yet is somehow competing with future NBA players.

    Usually the players that draw this designation are, um, pigmentally challenged? We've heard it for players like Notre Dame's Ben Hansbrough, UNC's Tyler Zeller and Florida's Chandler Parsons. Not exactly the first guys you'd pick on the playground if you'd never seen them play.

    Each time you hear it this year, chug your beer. You may want to stock up for the Princeton game.

Every Time Bill Raftery Compares a Play to a Breakfast Treat: One Shot

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    Nobody has a way with words quite like Bill Raftery. He has a talent for relating basketball moves to the common man by comparing plays to various everyday items.

    He calls a bank shot "a little kiss." When somebody gets crossed over he says "he lost his lingerie." And, of course, when he's trying to tell you he thinks a shot was sweet, he compares it to Belgian waffles.

    Well the next time Raftery compares a play to food, it won't be waffles you're tasting...it'll be the sweet taste of Jagermeister.

Every Time You Talk About Your High School Hoops Glory Days: Two Shots

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    There's nothing worse than watching the tournament with a friend who won't shut up about how good he was in high school.

    The next time you utter the words, "Man, if it weren't for that knee injury senior year, I could have played in college," or "We played against guys better than this in the division 5A district championship," line up two shots and take them immediately.

    Your friends also have the option to place you on a five-minute probationary period of silence.

Every Time a Male Cheerleader Appears on Screen: One Shot

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    Elsa/Getty Images

    Part of the fun of the NCAA tournament is comparing not only the basketball teams of the different schools, but also the cheerleaders.

    There's nothing worse than seeing a hot blonde UCLA cheerleader, turning to get your friend's attention, then turning back to find that the camera has panned to a 250-pound jacked male cheerleader.

    I understand that somebody has to lift the girls, but come on, do we really have to focus the camera on them?

    Whenever your view of the female cheerleaders is obstructed by an energetic manleader, take a shot. Bonus shots if the male cheerleader costs his school two points by picking up a technical foul.

Every Time You Ask to See Your Bracket: Chug a Beer

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    Nobody is more annoying than the guy who asks to see his bracket after every game.

    "Wait, did I have UNLV or Illinois in this one? Jeff, let me see my bracket again!"

    Please, for the benefit of all of us, just wait until the day's games are over and scores are tallied before you ask to see your bracket.

    If you really can't handle the uncertainty, it's called a Xerox machine. Otherwise you're chugging a beer every time you ask.

Every Time Cinderella's Name Is Dropped: One Shot

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    Our favorite part of the tournament is the upsets, and at least one team this year will surprise us all by advancing to the Sweet 16.

    These "rags to riches" teams are inevitably referred to as "Cinderella." I guess that makes No. 1 seeds Ohio State, Duke, Kansas and Pitt the ugly step-sisters?

    Take a shot every time you hear the name "Cinderella," and I guarantee after a few hours those step-sisters at the bar won't seem so ugly.

Every Time a Player Misses a Clutch Free Throw: One Drink

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    How can you shoot if you can't see?Chris Trotman/Getty Images

    The NCAA tournament is known for its close games and buzzer beaters, but that's due in large part to the fact that college players can't seem to make free throws down the stretch.

    In the NBA, a seven-point lead with a minute left is insurmountable. In college, not so much.

    Call it nerves, inexperience, or just lack of concentration, but you can always count on games to stay close in the final minute because of bricks from the charity stripe.

    Every time a player misses a clutch free throw, take a drink. You know the player will be taking plenty after the game.

Every Time an Announcer Says a Player Made a Three from a Local City: One Shot

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    Chris Trotman/Getty Images

    You've seen it a million times. A player catches fire and starts launching threes from farther and farther behind the three-point line.

    Sooner or later he hoists one from just inside half-court and swishes it, followed by the announcer shouting, "He just made that one from another zip code!"

    The clever announcers, however, will make it more specific. Say the teams are playing in Tuscon. The announcer will give a "He just made that one from Phoenix!"

    Every time a player makes a three from a city other than the one in which he's playing...take a shot. 

If You're Somehow Sober at the End of the Day's Games: Kegstand

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    I can't see how it would be possible, but if you follow these rules and somehow manage to make it through the day sober...congratulations.

    Now pat yourself on the back, find two friends to hold your legs, and let's get this party started.

    Funnels are also acceptable.