Let's not kid ourselves, guys. We know that wrestling is scripted and fake. We watch it while knowing that the outcomes are predetermined. Even though we know that moves are constructed for the least amount of pain possible, we still cringe when a painful-looking move happens.
So how are we supposed to react when there is a move that doesn't even look painful and it takes larger-than-life men off their feet? What do we say when someone wins a match, God forbid a title, off of a move that seems harmless enough that my grandmother could do it?
There are so many moves in wrestling that are done more for show than for the sake of looking painful. We know what the business is nowadays with safety and prevention for concussions, but lie to us a little bit. A lot of the moves on this list are not so much annoying because there is a place for them. With WrestleMania coming up soon, here are the 25 moves I hope to not see anyone use to win a high-profile match.
This list begins and ends with Santino Marella's Cobra finishing maneuver. I get a kick out of it like any other wrestling fan. I still prepare the cobra alongside of Santino when he is ready to do it. But we know that this move does not hurt. It would hurt more if it was an actual slap as opposed to a hand puppet trying to bite you.
Seeing this win matches on Superstars was something that I could get over. Seeing it to help win the tag team titles or nearly win Santino the Royal Rumble was too much for me. I figured that Alberto Del Rio would counter it and win the match that way. However, Santino hits with the move and I could feel the fear seep into my mind.
At first, the Five Knuckle Shuffle worked in a great way. John Cena was heel and all about embarrassing the opponent. It was a perfect balance of a taunt and a signature move. The "You Can't See Me" from Cena was almost insulting the opponent for being knocked out and on the ground. The brushing off of the shoulders was just a nice touch.
Then, Cena turned face. He began to develop his streak of moves to finish off opponents. Let's all recite it in a row, shall we? Shoulder, Shoulder, Missed Punch, Protoplex, Hand In Air, You Can't See Me, Five Knuckle Shuffle, Attitude Adjustment.
I don't really like R-Truth's moveset. Actually, while we are being honest, I don't really like R-Truth. However, his finishing move, called the Lie Detector, is something that I hate the most about him. It's practically just a flying forearm of sorts. The only difference is that R-Truth flings his body forward and contorts it in a corkscrew fashion. It looks a lot more complicated than it really is. It is similar on the ground to the way that John Morrison's Starship Pain is in the air: a lot of flash when it isn't much of anything special.
When you see a guy like Mark Henry, you assume that he can simply manhandle almost anyone. However, when it comes to his finishing maneuver, you have to be left scratching your head. The World's Strongest Slam is about as impressive as it is accurate. THIS is the strongest slam in the world? Do you even need to be strong to do this move?
MVP was a great wrestler for WWE, but some of his moves made you really think. One of the moves that MVP added to his arsenal during his WWE stint was the Ballin' Elbow. I always make fun of this move, mainly because it takes so long for it to happen. I often laughed when wrestling in a steel cage match on the WWE video games against MVP and another superstar. MVP would go to do the elbow and I would escape the cage before he even finished the move.
Let's not even talk about the fact that the move was inspired by the song of the same name, which was way too old when MVP was still using it at the tail end of his tenure in WWE.
I think that Bradshaw has been one of the more underrated wrestlers of the last twenty years. I also think. however, that his Clothesline From Hell is one of the more overrated finishing moves ever. It's a simple lariat. I mean, sure, it is a lot more vicious than most of them. But it's just a lariat. What's next? Knocking someone cold from one punch?
I know that Big Show has big fists and that he is very powerful, but come on. One punch? Not even Floyd Mayweather, who knocked out Big Show at WrestleMania, could do that much damage with just one punch. Besides, what makes that one punch different from any other punch that he throws. Does he focus on it Dragonball-style and make it super powerful?
The spear is a basic move, but that has not stopped many from making it one of their most powerful moves. The problem with that is that even Edge has used the spear as a regular move in the past. Perhaps it is the hair pulling and the standing in the corner that gives Edge the power to run really fast and... tackle his opponent. Seriously, why is this so feared?
I couldn't even find a picture of this trainwreck of a move. That is probably for the best. We all know what this move is, though. The Great Khali takes his hand and does a karate chop to a person's head. This, apparently, hurts a whole lot. People fall. The Great Khali stumbles into a cover. The Great Khali wins a match. A little bit of all of us dies inside.
Surely, this is the worst that Khali could do...
What the F#@% is he doing now!?
This was The Great Khali's major move for a while. He would take his huge hands and wrap them around a head and this would bring the idea that he was squishing the life out of the brain of his opponent. They even had him break a cantaloupe and pop a basketball with the move to show how powerful of a move it is. The problem with this, in my mind, is that he never cracked anyone's skull. If I saw some brains splatter out or someone begin to bleed or something, I might be on board with this. But it just is a dumb, dumb, dumb move.
I'm way past due with all of this Rey Mysterio "underdog" business. I don't see how he has to be able to defeat anyone and everyone. One of the most annoying things about Mysterio is the 619, his finishing move. An opponent gets dropped so that they hang on the middle rope. Mysterio runs from the opposite rope and swings his legs through, just like in the photo.
Really? It's just his two feet on the person's head. It was a cool move at first. Ten years later, I'm over it.
(See: Five Knuckle Shuffle)
The Rock electrified audiences with this move, mainly because he threw one of his elbowpads into the crowd every time he did this. There was nothing special to it. Looking back, I'm not so sure why we all went crazy when he hit the move. Regardless, if The Rock ever hit the move again, we would all go nuts yet again.
I still cannot believe how many times Hulk Hogan won a match from this move. It's just a leg drop. There's nothing to this move. It is often done by wrestlers all across the world. However, the move helped the Hulkster win multiple world championships over the years. I think that it will suit me best to not question it, for fear that blood may shoot out of my ears.
Remember when Vladimir Kozlov was indestructible? Kozlov would often destroy an opponent and once they tried to fight back, they would run into... his head?
The man was booked so that if you tried to come in contact with his head, you would bounce right off.... What?
You cannot build someone to be so strong that their head is indestructible. I mean what would happen if Kozlov's head had a Khali Vice Grip wrapped on it? Would Khali break his hands? Would Kozlov's head cave in? Would we still watch wrestling? No, probably not.
I seriously hate this little guy. He should have been released a long time ago and he is now a pro on NXT, meaning he will likely survive the post-WrestleMania cut. He doesn't talk and he cannot wrestle. So why is he here?
Name any move that he does and it is ridiculous to know how many matches he has won, the fact that he was once a Cruiserweight Champion and that he is still employed. Use this year's Royal Rumble for a good launching pad. Most of his moves were miniature versions of WWE legends or future Hall of Famers... and were effective.
I'm sure that this is not comfortable whatsoever, but the worst part about it is probably the fact that there is a dirty sock in your mouth. A move that is straight out of your mom's book of punishments for you, the Mandible Claw did wonders for Mick Foley over the years. I understand that grabbing someone's jaw is uncomfortable and all but I don't think that this should be a move to fear.
When people marked over the Mandible Claw, I used to just think that people were freaking out because someone had their hand in someone else's mouth. I know that there are people that do that move to themselves when they are bored. I'm calling shenanigans on Mrs. Foley's Baby Boy.
This is a basic firemen's carry. I'll leave it at that to avoid as much Cena commentary as possible. I'm sure that the Bleacher Report audience will give me enough of that as it is.
Holy Ralph Maccio!
When Funaki, post-Kaentai, post-being "Smackdown Number One Announcer", decided to be Kung Funaki (yet another thing we can thank R-Truth for), his finishing move became the Crane Kick, made famous by The Karate Kid. At the end, the kid has a hurt leg. He picks up his one leg and does the stance like in the picture, only to kick up with the other foot and win.
Kung Funaki did that. It wasn't for long because he was off television pretty soon after, but the fact that they had a wrestler who has been such a great worker over the years win matches this way was just awkward and very aggravating to see.
I'm sure that it hurts and I know that Chris Masters is a very powerful guy, but I fail to believe that a full nelson can be as destructive as it has been for the Masterpiece over the years. He seems very violent with the move, but nobody seems excited by the move. No fans seem very fearful of the maneuver and, while it could honestly cause damage if done among your friends, I just think it looks goofy, especially when he did the Masterlock Challenge against the likes of Shawn Michaels and Big Show.
This is Eve Torres. Eve Torres is your Divas Champion. This is her finishing move, where she stands with her opponent lying behind her. She flips in the air, lands on her opponent and pins her opponent. She has won important matches this way. I don't see how a woman and light as Torres can make a big impact with this move. Moreover, even when this move is used by most people, it is not to finish someone off. Nobody should win a title from doing this move. It is not something that should stun anyone enough for a three-second pinfall.
Oh, boy. The Heart Punch.
If you have never heard of this, please look it up. Crush, who is pictured, often did this move. The move consists of seeing your opponent and punching them in the chest where their heart would be. They then fall. You then win the match. Picture the Knockout Punch if Big Show was gunning for hearts. I wish I was kidding.
I cannot believe that this move is one of the most powerful moves in the history of the Smackdown video game series, but it is. Was it cheesy? Yes. Did we laugh with it? Sure. Did we think that it hurt at all? Hell no.
I don't know who gave Umaga the idea that his final move should include him taking his taped up thumb and jam it into someone's throat. We know that Umaga's thumb couldn't hurt that much. It wasn't that taped up and it wasn't going into the throat. This move was just ridiculous. For as much of a powerhouse that Umaga was in every other sense, making this his move to finish people off was a little odd.
I just don't like this move because Edge often barely touches his opponent in the move. The Rock had a similar move that he did, which looks terrible if you don't have a good worker with you. Considering that this is supposed to often set up the spear, which was previously on this list, it should honestly be better than it is.
... No comment.