Jeff Gordon is obviously some kind of super hero. But he can't see through walls, or stick to them, or fly, or time travel. But he may be able to heal himself. How else could he have overcome Man Flu?
For those who don't know, Jeff Gordon's performance was one of those occasional drives by a NASCAR driver when they don't feel 100 percent; in fact, I'm not even sure Jeff would put himself at 50 percent, describing his condition as "the worst he'd ever felt climbing into a race car."
As is normal with these situations, Jeff had a backup driver lurking to take over once he'd taken the start and made enough laps to guarantee any resultant points went next to his name, not his filler's.
But Jeff didn't seem to want to let his filler, Brad Keselowski, into the car. 267 laps came and went along with copious pitstops and other opportunities for Jeff to squeeze, or perhaps sneeze, his way out of the car and Brad to jump in, hopefully Dukes of Hazzard style.
Jeff eventually finished fourth, not bad for someone who described himself as "the worst he'd ever felt."
But this raises several problems. The millions of members, myself included, of the male gender have spent centuries developing the sex-specific illness of Man Flu, scientifically known as MAN1.
An illness so debilitating that it confines us to the bed, or sofa (where ever is nearest the TV, one of the few cures for Man Flu) and forces us from our normally independent selves into the arms of any caring female who we feel able to rely on to ferry us soup, biscuits, or the TV channel changer.
Millions of men have suffered, only for some jumped-up midget from California to apparently undo all our hard work by battling bravely through a bout of MAN1 in Kansas.
But before any wives, girlfriends, mothers, sisters, etc. get any ideas that Gordon has unveiled all our collective male suffering as a scam, there are some important things to consider. All related to the fact that we are not Jeff Gordon.
We are not all NASCAR legends worshipped by hundreds of fans. Worship is another cure for Man Flu.
We are not all paid $184,000 for three hours of work like Jeff was on Sunday. Money helps soothe the searing pain of the sore throat brought on by Man Flu.
And, I'm sorry, women, you are not all Ingrid Vandenbosh. She obviously has Jeff on a short leash, and having seen her in the SI swimsuit issue not that long ago, if she's into short leashes and said "Drive," my response would simply be "How Far?"
So contrary to what you may have gleaned from Sunday's race, Man Flu is the single most debilitating disease in the world. Women should feel eternally glad they are spared the horror of suffering it first hand.
Like the new article format? Send us feedback!