NFL scouts were shocked and horrified to hear that the top-ranked running back in college football, Darren McFadden of the Arkansas Razorbacks, may be "into" Biggs' pianists.
"Not that there's anything wrong with that," said one uneasily.
The rushing star's father tried to put a stop to the rumors swirling around his son.
"Darren's all man," said Graylon McFadden. "You may hear false stories floating around, but he likes the ladies. Sure, he got handcuffed at a piano bar called Ernie Biggs in Little Rock. He gets a little passionate about organs and whatever. That's all. Nothing to it."
According to a regular at the exotic nightspot, a willowy 20-something of indeterminate gender named Kris, McFadden became incensed when someone cut in front of him to offer the pianist a large tip to play Billy Joel's "Piano Man."
"I was here first!" McFadden reportedly yelled. "I'm waiting patiently to request Gershwin's 'Rhapsody in Blue' when this jerk pushes in and gets 'Piano Man.' I'm sick of 'Piano Man.' He plays that goddamned song a hundred times a night. I want Gershwin. I'm being disrespected."
And so on.
"It's a big responsibility being a director of personnel," said one executive who didn't want to be identified. "I'm an important man because we have a high draft pick because we lost a lot of games because the guys I picked previously were sucky. And a man as important as me doesn't want to worry about some guy's attraction to pianists.
"Not that there's anything wrong with that."