Do you ever feel that you need a break from the preseason predictions, trade rumors, and draft combine reports? If you answered "yes" then let's take a look at the lighter side of sports reporting.
A few years ago I stumbled upon a list of the ugliest NBA players and thought it would be fun to make a list of my own, with a little twist. I decided to go with current NBA players instead of the old standbys (Sam Cassell, Tyrone Hill, etc.). These current players are selected based on an evaluation process that includes five major features:
- 1. Face
- 2. Hair
- 3. Body
- 4. Teeth
- 5. Intangibles (facial hair, tattoos, deformities, etc.)
I gave the features of each player a ranking from 1 to 10. The highest score won the coveted "Ugliest Player Award". The ranking scale is shown below:
- Face: 10 = Sloth from The Goonies 1 = Sloan from Entourage (pictured above)
- Hair: 10 = 1980's curly mullet 1 = David Beckham's Hair
- Body: 10 = Guinness Book of World Record's Fattest Twins (they are riding motorcycles... look it up) 1 = The Statue of David
- Teeth: 10 = Just Google "Faces of Meth" 1 = Anyone in a Crest commercial
- Intangibles: 10 = Mike Tyson's face tattoo 1 = Anna Kournikova's flawless everything
Before we get to the list, I would like to point out that this is not meant to offend anyone. I wrote this for fun and I hope you get a few laughs out of it. A good friend of mine once said, "If you can't laugh at yourself, then who can you laugh at?"
Face = 6: Have you seen the movie Space Jam? Do you remember the tall blue "Monstar"? Need I say more?
Hair = 4: Flat-tops were acceptable in 1986 (the year Top Gun hit theaters).
Body = 7: Tall guys always get picked on when it comes to these types of lists. Yao is no exception, especially when you factor in that 85% of his body weight is in those tree trunks he calls legs.
Teeth = 3: It seems like he brushes regularly.
Intangibles = 6: He is stuck with a 7th grade "perma-stache" (permanent mustache).
Total Score = 26
Face = 5: Not a bad ranking for this list. That probably tells you how bad it's about to get.
Hair = 8: What type of cut does he ask his barber to do, the "Rooster's Comb"? That explains the "Birdman" nickname.
Body = 3: A few points deducted for paleness.
Teeth = 3: It seems like he brushes regularly.
Intangibles = 8: That turtleneck tattoo should keep him warm on those chilly Denver nights.
Total Score = 27
Face = 8: It looks like this Prince still has some frog in him. Zing!
Hair = 3: It is what it is.
Body = 8: Prince needs to pack on some pounds. Maybe he can train with teammate Jason Maxiell and they can meet somewhere in the middle.
Teeth = 7: The Pistons record isn't the only reason why Prince doesn't smile.
Intangibles = 5: I have to go back to the body. Remember Tales from the Crypt?
Total Score = 31
Face = 8: I'm curious as to what that beard is hiding.
Hair = 4: Receding hairlines should be shaved. Kudos Mr. Evans
Body = 2: He could pick me up and toss me 30 feet. Again... kudos Mr. Evans
Teeth = 10: It seems like each individual tooth has its own agenda.
Intangibles = 8: I almost created a new category for ears.
Total Score = 32
Face = 8: Iguana meets Pterodactyl
Hair = 8: There are rumors going around that a family of squirrels live in there.
Body = 5: Pretty average body for a 7 footer.
Teeth = 5: Again... pretty average
Intangibles 7 = (Insert beard joke here)
Total Score = 33
Face = 8: His body might be getting paid by the Portland Trailblazers, but his face is getting Social Security checks. Zing! Take my wife... please.
Hair = 4: He did have that mo-hawk for a short time.
Body = 7: So far it has been as useless as a wheel-less wheelbarrow.
Teeth = 7: Large Man... Large Teeth... Large Gap
Intangibles = 8: How can a 23 year old man look like Robert Parish?
Total Score = 34
Face = 9: Whenever I see him I think of Jar-Jar Binks and I'm not even a Star Wars fan.
Hair = 4: Pretty average
Body = 7: He needs to hit the weight room.
Teeth = 5: His teeth are a little bit large, but not too bad.
Intangibles = 10: I definitely should have added another category for ears.
Total Score = 35
Face = 8: I've always wondered what Ivan Drago would look like if he was lost at sea for six months. Now I know.
Hair = 9: You make 17 million per year. Why do you cut your own hair?
Body = 8: I wonder if the nickname "The Praying Mantis" would catch on and replace AK-47.
Teeth = 4: Not bad
Intangibles = 7: There is probably a reason why his wife gives him a freebie every year.
Total Score = 36
Face = 9: Refer to the intangibles section.
Hair = 8: Three Words - Miniature Red Afro
Body = 5: I don't mind tattoos, but there is something about West's tattoos that bother me.
Teeth = 6: His teeth aren't that bad, but that smile is disturbing.
Intangibles = 9: The birthmark by his lip, the pointy ears, the Joe Dirt goatee...OK OK that's enough
Total Score = 37
Face = 10: Way too easy
Hair = 10: How hasn't he been casted as the "before" picture in Troy Polamalu's Head & Shoulders commercial?
Body = 3: He is in good shape.
Teeth = 10: You would think he would be able to afford GAP insurance on that salary. Zing!
Intangibles = 8: How hard would it be to judge a staring contest between Noah and a pug? That's a lot of wandering eyes.
Total Score = 41