Phillie Phanatic Phires Phurtive Phrank, Phrank Phear Phound Pharphetched
PHILADELPHIA (AK)—After the bomb scare Wednesday night at Citizen's Bank Park authorities are investigating new evidence and intelligence regarding the incident.
Early news reports are being reevaluated in the wake of newly released information.
The reports the suspicious packets were merely packaged hot dogs being used in a commercial featuring the Phillie Phanatic were later learned to be discredited speculation by the team’s media center according to a release by the USOJIK.
The Thursday morning statement was alarming in light of newly released forensic reports showing evidence the hot dogs used in the detonation may have contained Hebrew National brand hot dogs as well as Hatfield Brand.
Bush, working under slam-dunk intelligence that the Hatfield Hot Dogs detonated in this explosion were the work of an Al Qaeda allied offshoot of the McCoy Family promised swift retribution.
“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we,” he pronounced. A family of McCoys close to the administration was ushered in Air Force One from West Virginia to an undisclosed location.
“We could have picked it up and thrown it in the trash and been done with it,” said an official spokesman for the Phillies startled by the new information.
The game continued as scheduled with the Atlanta Braves beating the National League East leading Phillies 10-4. Rumors circulated the McCoys longed to see the Mets make up ground in the division, and may have been motivated to see the Hatfield hot dogs detonated in an explosion. The Phillies remain a game and a half ahead of the Mets as the NL East Pennant race heats up.
Phillies Skipper Charlie Manuel called for diplomatic talks. "If I had my way, I'd form a big circle and see who wants to fight, I've seen that before and nobody fights."
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