The Knuckleball: An Off-Color View of the Week in Sports

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The Knuckleball: An Off-Color View of the Week in Sports
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Dollars And Sins

 Cam Newton signed the most lucrative endorsement deal in history for an incoming NFL player, inking with Under Armour for more than $1 million per year. In a related development, Newton’s father, the esteemed Reverend Cecil Newton, will soon be sporting Under Armour’s first form-fitting, moisture-wicking pastor’s robe.

 

St. Elsewhere?

 After the deadline passed for Albert Pujols and the St. Louis Cardinals to reach a new contract, it’s now likely Pujols will become a free agent after the 2011 season. Pujols insisted his goal is still “to be a Cardinal forever,” and told reporters on hand not to read too deeply into the pinstripe suit he was wearing.

 

Phlegm-flammed

Tiger Woods was fined by the European Tour for spitting on the 12th green during the final round of the Dubai Desert Classic. It was one of the few greens Woods hit all day in a three-over round. The amount of the fine is unclear, but Woods insisted, in light of past events, that it not be categorized as “money shot.”

Todd Warshaw/Getty Images

 

March Madness

 The Egyptian people took to the streets for demonstrations that eventually led to the resignation of unpopular president Hosni Mubarak. Apparently, March Madness takes place early in Egypt. It was a poignant reminder to the American people of the liberties and privileges they take for granted, like street parties after national championships.

 

Draft? Roger

 Dale Earnhardt, Jr. won the pole for Sunday’s Daytona 500, then wrecked in practice on Tuesday, forcing him to start at the back of the field. Junior fans are not worried, though, and feel that it’s just as advantageous for Earnhardt to start at the back. Any Junior supporter, worth his/her weight in beer, among legions of like-thinking racing fans, knows that a “draft” partner is easy to find. The same goes for Junior on the track.

 

Bitch Flap

 A high school wrestler in the Iowa state high school championships chose to default rather than face one of the first girls to ever qualify for the tournament. The boy, Joel Northrup, has been asked to appear on a number of talk shows, while the girl, Cassy Herkelman, has been asked to appear at Mark Sanchez’s bedroom.

Spencer Platt/Getty Images

 

’Melo Out?

 The NBA’s February 24th trade deadline is less than a week away, and the Denver Nuggets have yet to find a suitable trade offer for Carmelo Anthony. Reportedly, the desperate Nuggets have enlisted the aid of former Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels to assist in ridding the city of another superstar athlete.

 

Nipple Effect

 Russian supermodel Irina Shayk was on the cover for Sports Illustrated’s 2011 swimsuit issue, which hit newstands on February 15th, and bathrooms minutes later.

 

Carnivaya Con Dios

 Brazilian soccer star Ronaldo announced his retirement from the sport on Monday, ending his 18-year career due to lack of fitness. “It was time,” said Ronaldo, or, as Telemundo announcer Andreas Cantor put it, it was time to “goooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

 

Jerry, Jerry, Why Ya’ Buggin’?

  Carolina Panthers owner Jerry Richardson spoke condescendingly to Peyton Manning and Drew Brees at February 5th negotiations between the NFL owners and the Players Association. For their parts, Manning and Brees remained polite, polishing their Super Bowl rings while courteously asking, “Jerry who?”

 

Peter-ed Out

  Peter Forsberg ended his comeback after just two games with the Colorado Avalanche, tearfully announcing his retirement on Monday, citing a chronic foot ailment. The Avs have planned a special night for Forsberg at a future date, when his No. 21 jersey will be retired, and those in attendance will try to keep a straight face while teammate Adam Foote speaks.

 

Urine, You’re Out

  Lance Armstrong announced his retirement from cycling on Tuesday, this time for good, following a career marked by seven-straight Tour De France wins and ongoing doping accusations. Armstrong quickly deflected talk of a return, and said the only thing he has in common with Brett Favre is that his penis has been seen by way too many people.

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