Top 10 Punishments for Crimson Tide's Harvey Updyke for Poisoning Toomer's Corner
The atrocity of the crime just makes my head numb.
Harvey Almore Updyke, or as Auburn fans like to call him, "Deforest Gump" or "Lee Harvey Oswalt Updyke", gave Toomer's Corner a lethal dose of poison, and the symbolic oak trees are unlikely to survive.
What has really stunned me is the number of Alabama fans that are happy about this. On radio, TV and comments across various websites, a good 35% of Alabama fans are supportive of the poisoning.
The poison could get in the water supply in Auburn, escalating this to an act of domestic terrorism.
For basically ruining an Auburn tradition, here are the 10 best non-death related punishments for "Harvey Al-Hole Up-His."
10. With Every Meal He Must Have Herbicide As an Appetizer
Are you sure it can't harm humans?
Well, this punishment would just see about that.
"Want that cheeseburger, fat-a? Gotta take your herbicide first."
9. Every Hour Of Every Day In Prison He Must Watch The 2010 Iron Bowl
Want to drive an insane person to the brink?
This is a good way to do it.
This idiot poisoned Toomer's mostly because of the result of the 2010 Iron Bowl. In this punishment, we'll find out if he can watch the Iron Bowl without burning down something that is precious to millions of people.
8. He Should Receive a Heart Donation Because Clearly He Lacks One
"... And the Grinch's heart grew three sizes that day...."
Where his heart is supposed to be is a big houndstooth-colored hole.
He should receive a heart transplant so he will be forced to actually love things. I doubt he even loves his kids, Crimson and Bear.
7. He Should Be Put In a Prison Full of Large Auburn Fans
He wouldn't be dead.
By the time his 10-year sentence is up, he will wish he was.
6. He Should Be Used As The Dummy at Auburn Practices
Hey, the offensive line needs somebody other than themselves to hit. He can be a blocking dummy.
Oh, and defensive players need a tackling dummy. Harvey can do that too.
Oh, and the quarterback could use a target for his laser-passes to work on accuracy.
Oh, and if Gene Chizik ever finds himself angry at a particular player, he can take out his frustration on a dummy.
Oh, and we can't forget about players on the scout team. Harvey can play every position on the scout team all by himself!
5. After Prison, He Should Be Forced To Oppose Workers In The Amazon Forest
Hey, Deforest Gump gets to stand up for trees! Finally!
4. He Should Be Chained To a Sign at Toomer's Until The New Trees Grow Back
Let's see.... that's up to 7 years for the soil to become poison-free, then another 130 years for the trees to grow back.
I don't know about you, but I'm not sure he would make it 137 years. He's already 62.
3. He Should Be Given Life In Prison
He has caused the death of the two most popular trees in the southeast, maybe the United States.
If the poison gets in the water supply, human lives could be at risk.
I don't think any of my readers would have a problem with this fat slob getting a life sentence.
Rammer Jammer, Yellowhammer, Here's your cell, You stupid Bammer!
2. He Should Be Handed Over To The State Of Texas
Harvey used to be a state trooper in Texas, so it makes sense.
Texas has harsher laws for criminals than any other state.
To quote comedian Ron White, "If you kill somebody, we will kill you back. It's our policy."
1. He Should Be Released From Jail.... Straight To Auburn's Campus
Hey, Harvey, how about this: You'll get to do your own version of a classic Auburn tradition!
You'll get to do your own TIGER WALK!
Only instead of high-fiving people, you'll be running scared from people with pitchforks and torches.
Auburn fans don't like you very much. They'll be ready for you. Don't worry, though, you're a very big deal. If they do end up killing you, they'll honor it by rolling Toomer's.