The atrocity of the crime just makes my head numb.
Harvey Almore Updyke, or as Auburn fans like to call him, "Deforest Gump" or "Lee Harvey Oswalt Updyke", gave Toomer's Corner a lethal dose of poison, and the symbolic oak trees are unlikely to survive.
What has really stunned me is the number of Alabama fans that are happy about this. On radio, TV and comments across various websites, a good 35% of Alabama fans are supportive of the poisoning.
The poison could get in the water supply in Auburn, escalating this to an act of domestic terrorism.
For basically ruining an Auburn tradition, here are the 10 best non-death related punishments for "Harvey Al-Hole Up-His."
Ahh.. the lights in this stadium are too bright.... where am I?
Are you sure it can't harm humans?
Well, this punishment would just see about that.
"Want that cheeseburger, fat-a? Gotta take your herbicide first."
You can see Harvey's fat self in the upper deck in the background. He hasn't finished his nachos.
Want to drive an insane person to the brink?
This is a good way to do it.
This idiot poisoned Toomer's mostly because of the result of the 2010 Iron Bowl. In this punishment, we'll find out if he can watch the Iron Bowl without burning down something that is precious to millions of people.
T-Bell and Greg McElroy had just met before this picture. Bell didn't like him.
"... And the Grinch's heart grew three sizes that day...."
Where his heart is supposed to be is a big houndstooth-colored hole.
He should receive a heart transplant so he will be forced to actually love things. I doubt he even loves his kids, Crimson and Bear.
He wouldn't be dead.
By the time his 10-year sentence is up, he will wish he was.
Hey, the offensive line needs somebody other than themselves to hit. He can be a blocking dummy.
Oh, and defensive players need a tackling dummy. Harvey can do that too.
Oh, and the quarterback could use a target for his laser-passes to work on accuracy.
Oh, and if Gene Chizik ever finds himself angry at a particular player, he can take out his frustration on a dummy.
Oh, and we can't forget about players on the scout team. Harvey can play every position on the scout team all by himself!
Hey, Deforest Gump gets to stand up for trees! Finally!
Let's see.... that's up to 7 years for the soil to become poison-free, then another 130 years for the trees to grow back.
I don't know about you, but I'm not sure he would make it 137 years. He's already 62.
He has caused the death of the two most popular trees in the southeast, maybe the United States.
If the poison gets in the water supply, human lives could be at risk.
I don't think any of my readers would have a problem with this fat slob getting a life sentence.
Rammer Jammer, Yellowhammer, Here's your cell, You stupid Bammer!
Harvey used to be a state trooper in Texas, so it makes sense.
Texas has harsher laws for criminals than any other state.
To quote comedian Ron White, "If you kill somebody, we will kill you back. It's our policy."
Hey, Harvey, how about this: You'll get to do your own version of a classic Auburn tradition!
You'll get to do your own TIGER WALK!
Only instead of high-fiving people, you'll be running scared from people with pitchforks and torches.
Auburn fans don't like you very much. They'll be ready for you. Don't worry, though, you're a very big deal. If they do end up killing you, they'll honor it by rolling Toomer's.