WWE: The Elimination Chamber Edition of the Crystal Ball (Satire)

Nick BolyardContributor IIIFebruary 17, 2011

Actual picture of my magical crystal ball
Actual picture of my magical crystal ball

It's here!  The biggest return of all time.  The magical crystal ball is back on Bleacher Report.  Now if you've not read one of these myself, I use sorcery and my Jedi mind powers to predict the future of the WWE gang.  

I'm gonna go ahead and tell you now: this is a SPOILER ALERT!  

Elimination Chamber is on the horizon and it's time to see how it will play out, heading into WrestleMania.  Without further ado, prepare to be mystified!


Raw Elimination Chamber

One thing we know for sure:  John Morrison is going to do some crazy stuff.  

WWE's friendly neighborhood Spider Man is sure to give us a great follow-up to his Royal Rumble stunts.  Another thing we know is Ron "The Truth" Killings is in this match as filler. He has no chance (thank God).

Many expect Super Cena to come out on top and face The Miz.  I disagree.  The surprise replacement for Sheamus will feature the return of the legendary Andy Kauffman. Kauffman will proceed to outshine the Prince of Parkor and win the chamber match, following a devastating Jake Roberts DDT.  

Your winner and new number one contender:  ANDY KAUFFMAN.  I know Mr. Kauffman has been dead for many years.  I do not intend to disrespect him, or his family, in any fashion.


WWE Championship

Not even the combined powers of Alex Riley and Mitchell Cole will be able to prevent Jerry Lawler from getting his WrestleMania moment.  

In a hard fought match, Lawler lowers the strap and connects with the fist to capture his first WWE Championship.  As we found out from the chamber, he will be facing arch-nemesis Andy Kauffman. 

But fear not; there is an even bigger twist!  

The special referee will be none other than Bob Barker.  Barker spent years on the "The Price Is Right" and will bring the same kind of dominance and control to the ring.  I expect Barker to turn heel and help Kauffman capture the gold.  The sneaky rat and his tiny microphone!


The Bella Saga

As I am writing this, it is 6:56 p.m., and nobody still cares about this.  Expect these two useless folks to be turning a trick at a corner near you in the near future.


Returns, Returns, Returns, and Debuts!

Well, I have already revealed the return of Andy Kauffman—oh, and that Dwayne fella on Raw this week. 

Others set to return and make impacts are Triple H, Christian, Undertaker, and possibly Hacksaw Jim Duggan (word on the street).  Also expect Buff "The Stuff" Bagwell to make his presence felt.  Come on!  We all miss that little strut he did.  I wasn't ever sure if he was strutting, dancing, or having a seizure—but he wore a top hat!  Buff will look to feud with the likes of Zack Ryder, Tyler Rex, Pedoswoggle and Ricardo Rodriguez.  

Also, the buzz is Awesome Kong and Sting may debut in WWE.  Kong has a contract that we know of, and Sting is still a mystery.  Look for Kong to make a huge immediate impact when she shows up and literally swallows Melina whole.  That'll put some fear in the other divas!  

Sting is still a toss up.  Is he the 2/21/11 guy?  No.

Sting will debut following WrestleMania in a recreation of perhaps the best storyline ever told: stalking the Undertaker's wife!  DDP did it and now so will Sting.  Michelle McCool will fear that it's one of the members of ICP (shoutout to Oddities fans—if they have any), but she will be relieved to know it's only Sting.  

Unfortunately, Undertaker will be taking another 11 months off after 'Mania, so this will go nowhere...


World Heavyweight Championship

Six men, one chamber, one title.  

Expect Edge to come out on top this time around.  Since Dolph is out, looks like this opens a spot for none other than Captain Charisma.

The final two will be Edge versus Christian.  It won't be enough for the Pontiff of the Peepulation as Edge his the Spear for the win.  Afterwards, he will get revenge on Alberto Del Rio, setting up a Triple Threat World Heavyweight Championship match at WrestleMania.  It's too soon for Del Rio to go over on Edge at WrestleMania, and I am pretty sure Vince still hates Christian, so the winner will be Edge.


Raw GM

The Raw GM is Tito Santana. Mystery solved.

That is all for the crystal ball.  Thanks for reading and feel free to provide constructive comments and your own predictions in the comment section below (This was intended for humor purposes, in case some people didn't see the first word in the article.).