Maddening Mockery of Misfortune: Cubs Will Make Fools of Themselves in 2011

Adam LufranoCorrespondent IIIFebruary 17, 2011

Maddening Mockery of Misfortune: Cubs Will Make Fools of Themselves in 2011

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    The Chicago Cubs are a great team. I may be a big White Sox fan, but I'm no slouch when it comes to knowing baseball. Believe me when I say that the Cubs will be bad next year.

    Every year it's the same. The Cubs are World Series favorites and start off hot, but then the second half is filled with losses and they eventually fall short of the National League Championship Series, or lately, the playoffs.

    I am very happy when that happens, but this article isn't about me. This piece is about the Cubs and their misfortunes.

    I believe the Cubs have had a good run over the past 100 years, but they have just never been able to close the deal.

    And, this year, they will fail once again.

    Here's why.

The Madness of M

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    Have you ever noticed how many players the Cubs have with the letter M in their names?

    I have.

    They are all so miserable that it's almost sad to witness. The Cubs have a lot of players this year, but here's a list of them with the letter M in their names:

    1. Ryan Dempster

    2. Carlos Marmol

    3. Sean Marshall

    4. Carlos Zambrano

    5. Aramis Ramirez

    6. Marlon Byrd

    7. Kosuke Fukudome

    All these players have not lived up to expectations and have been, more or less, bad players.

    Seriously, what is up with this?

    There is no way the Cubs win next year with all these players with M's on their roster.

Sean Marshall

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    Sean Marshall is a pitcher for the Chicago Cubs.

    He pitched 74.2 innings last year and gave up 58 hits in those innings.

    He had 90 strikeouts and a 7-5 record, but he is awful.

    Fans point to his 2.65 ERA over the course of the year. Don't look at that though.

    Look at this: he throws at least one ball per batter faced.

    Did you read that?

    At least one ball for every hitter that steps up to the plate.

    Sometimes it's even more balls. Like two or three to a single hitter.

    And sometimes, he evens throws four balls! Blasphemy, you say, but it's true.

    He really is awful, and I doubt he makes it through the year without walking at least one batter. Look for Marshall to be sent to minors by May. 

Ryan Dempster

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    Ryan Dempster.

    Doesn't the name just sicken you?

    Don't look at his 15-12 record. Don't look at his 3.85 ERA or his 208 strikeouts in 215.1 innings last year. That's not important.

    Look at this: zero saves.

    That is just ridiculous. Zero saves? How are the Cubs suppose to win a title when Dempster can't even save a game?

    They can't.

    His saves total has been going down each year and it is most definitely not helping the Cubs chances.

    Here's my prediction for Dempster:

    He'll pitch 3 innings and have 10 save opportunities. He'll blow all of them and be traded to the Yankees.

    The saves he blows will all be against the White Sox.

Marlon Byrd

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    I've heard rumors about the existence of a picture of Marlon Byrd hitting a home run. I'm still looking for said picture.

    Continuing on with my "curse of M" theme, the Cubs have Marlon Byrd on their roster. Yikes.

    Marlon Byrd only had 66 RBIs and 12 HRs last year and only stole 5 bags.

    He is expected to be in the lineup next year, which would make him the worst hitter of all time.

Starlin Castro

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    Starlin Castro is the youngest player on the Cubs, who are a pretty young team.

    He's 20 years old, which means he's probably actually 12 and he hit 3 HRs with 41 RBIs last season.

    What he lacked in defensive ability, though, he made up for with a lack of offensive ability.

    A .300 batting average? Really?

    That's all this kid can do, hit the ball. He can't field and can't hit homers, so a .300 batting average is not going to cut it for me.

    Look for the Cubs to release him, but then trade Aramis Ramirez to get him back before the trade deadline.

Geovany Soto

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    Geovany Soto is one of the worst catchers in the MLB.

    He can't do anything. Try and give me something he does that's worthwhile to an MLB team.

    Go ahead, I'll give you ten minutes.


    Nothing, right?

    He can't field. He can't hit. He can't catch.

    But I'll tell you something he can do.

    Suck at baseball.

    He's got that down pretty well.


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    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    I don't even want to say the words "Cubs" and "pitching" in the same sentence. It's just a joke.

    They have Carlos Zambrano as the ace.  He's an ace?

    Oh, dear God.

    Matt Garza (again with the M!) is in his first year with the team. That means he'll blow.

    Ryan Dempster, as mentioned, can't save games. He will disappoint, or meet expectations, whichever suits you.

    Carlos Silva was good last year, but that can't last.

    Randy Wells. Hahahahahaahahahahahaha.

    Nobody on this list is finishing with an ERA of under 10.


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    J. Meric/Getty Images

    Hey, Carlos Pena getting a hit! Do you know how long it took me to find this picture?  Three clicks, no joke!

    How is he worth ten million? There must be something in his past that I don't see, cause it can't be his glove.

    Here's the hitters for this Cubs team:

    1. Soto

    2. Castro

    3. Ramirez

    4. Byrd

    5. Colvin

    6. Fukudome

    7. Soriano

    8. Pena one on this list is hitting a ball this year. Maybe against Carlos Marmol in practice, but not against the likes of Freddy Garcia and Joe Blanton in actual games.

    Sorry, Cubs fans. Your team sucks.

Mike Quade Is Not Joe Torre

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    I would have liked to see the Cubs get a good manager, but that was pure fantasy.

    Mike Quade? No.

    Where's Joe Torre?

    Mike Quade does not have as many career wins as Joe Torre and until that day comes, the Cubs should not have Quade as their manager.

    It's just a joke.

    The Cubs need to get a good manager to run the team if they want to win a title in the next 10,000 years, and Mike Quade is not going to do that.


    His name isn't Joe Torre.

    Until it is, he's just another scrub that the Cubs waste their time with.

Conclusion: Cubs Suck

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    Jamie Squire/Getty Images

    I may not know who that guy is, but I know one thing.

    That's going to be a familiar look for Cubs fans all year.

    Here's a short list of the mistakes the Cubs made this offseason.

    1. Their hitters suck at the plate.

    2. Their pitchers suck even more than their hitters.

    3. They didn't do anything to not suck anymore.

    It's still early and even though the Cubs will suck, you should still keep your hopes up. They lose every year, right? Why not win it this year for a change?

    I'll still laugh at them because, remember, I'm a Sox fan. But I hope they can break the curse and win a title this year.

    They won't though.

Note To Readers

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    Before you rip the article, this is a parody of Shelly Singhal's article on the same topic.