NFL Week Four: The Sad Sack Seven

Dan BooneSenior Analyst ISeptember 24, 2008

At long last the Detroit Lions lopped off the large, mustached head of GM Matt Millen. But when does Wild Willie Clay Ford finally figure out that his football toy is in much better shape than Grand Pappy's Motor car company?

Who is next to go? (Besides the American Financial system that is).

Are football fans in Missouri and Ohio that numb that they just expect the beatings to continue until morale improves? Can a coach actually start Tyler Beckham Thigpen and keep credibility? Shall we see just how bad the St. Louis Lambs can be?

1] The State of Missouri [0-6]

The Kansas City Chiefs are indeed utterly horrible. A talentless train wreck of a team, they are an ugly bore to watch and offer little promise for future excitement.

Why anyone would subject themselves to watching the pathetic Chiefs is beyond me, unless perhaps as some type of twisted court ordered punishment ordered by a sadistic, half mad, Missouri judge.

Of course, maybe in Missouri just the promise of the Tyler Thigpen era brings hope.

Coach Herman Edwards has lost 12 straight games and eight straight opening day games. GM Carl Peterson hasn't lead the Chiefs to a playoff win since 1993. Edwards reminds me of the criminally incompetent Sal Tessio from The Godfather.

Not that Herm betrayed anyone like Sal; it's just that Herm shares that resigned look of looming doom that lingered in Sal's eyes as he was put into that car for his final ride. Sal knew he was doomed; he just didn't know at what exact moment the bullet was coming.

That being said, at least the Chiefs try sometimes, and once in a great while obnoxious RB Larry Johnson and WR Dwayne Bowe have flashes of exciting play. The St. Louis Rams, on the other hand, are a ship dead in the water.

Snarling Scott Linehan is raging at the Football Gods, who are punishing him for his own incompetence. Rage against the machine, Bubba, nobody in Old St. Lou cares.

Has anyone ever seen an organization so listless? So dead in the water? A team that lacks not only talent but direction and drive. No one is at the helm of the St. Louis Rams' ship and the rocks are ripping apart the rotten Ram's hull.

The owners want to sell the team or move the team; just not watch the team. They don't want to spend any dough on a lame duck Ram club.

Minimize expenses and maximize profits is the motto. So Linehan will likely stay snarling at shades or some poor doomed staff sucker will be named interim coach.

The interim coach will feel like Admiral Karl Dönitz did when he was named interim coach of the collapsing Third Reich. I mean really, who wants the ugly job for twenty grinding days knowing it will likely only get you hanged in the end?

It's amazing that the NFL lets this uncompetitive farce roll on, but maybe the Big Shots' back rooms are filled with rumblings and rumors of the reborn Los Angeles Rams.

Good luck with that LA La Land!

By Harry Truman's angry ghost, Missouri is the Show Me State; somebody show the fans something.

2] Detroit Lions [0-3] 

The Billy Clay Ford Boys are a bad bunch, as usual. But there's always that glimmer of mad hope that the wild and crazy Johnny Kitna has just started to bloom. Next week it might be seven interceptions in seven minutes.

Head coach Rocking Rod Marinelli got a vote of confidence from GM Matt Millen. That's kind of like Captain Yates getting a vote of confidence from dying General Custer as the Sioux swarmed around Last Stand Hill.

One bright spot is that Billy Clay the Second has agreed to provide possible key signee Cedric Benson a specially made Ford Carboat, much like James Bond had in Moonraker. Thirsty Benson can buzz along, while buzzed of course, straight from the street to the Detroit River without moving the cooler.

Enjoy the Cedric Carboat moving down Motor City Streets! Just don't expect three yards per carry from the lumber-legged Texan, he's a 2.3 per touch running man.

It's an Elmore Leonard Carboat Crime novel waiting to be written.

High priced RB Shaun Alexander also wants to run for the Lions. Except he wants it known he doesn't like running inside, won't block, catch, or play special teams. He should fit right in.

Matt Millen's farewell should, at least, be brutally brief.

"Chaos, panic and disorder—my work here is done"

Maybe our president can steal that line tonight, too.

3] The State of Ohio [0-6]

The Browns are back! The Cleveland Browns are playoff bound!

How often did the Brownie diehards bark that in the offseason? No silly Dawg Pounders, the Browns are still over paid clowns! And they begged and barked to bring these bad Brown boys back?

Chew on that bone Brown hounds while watching Romeo oh Romeo Crennel circumnavigate yet another nine-minute drive for a field goal while down by four TDs at the end of the third quarter.

The Cincinnati Bengals almost ambushed the New York Giants, but then being the Bungles they, of course, bungled it.

The Bengals are bad, crime ridden, cheap and disorganized...just the way owner Mike Brown likes them. Brown longs for an uncapped salary year so he can really cut expenses, but how much worse can Brown's Bengals get?

4] Houston Texans [0-2]

When's the oft-promised "Breakout Year?" High draft picks, offseason hype, and another Texas sized flop seem to be all that are in store this season.

The Texans have mostly been boring, bad, and blown out since their inception.

Note to Texans: It pays to invest in at least a semi-competent offensive line.

5]  New York Jets [1-2]

How's that Magic Man working Manhattan now, Jetties? How are those big money free agents working out?

That looked like the wild, out of control, throw it hard, high, and up for grabs Brett Favre against the San Diego Chargers, not the longed for Namath-like Jet savior.

As Jet faithful dig deep to pay for the PSL extortion, one wonders what product will be on the field?

The Jets don't look good. The Jets look like they paid too much for too many old guys. The hated New England Patriots beat them without Tom Brady. The Miami Dolphins blew out the Pats. The Buffalo Bills are for real.

The AFC East basement has a covering of green slime sticking to the Bills' cleats.

6] Oakland Raiders [1-2]

A few clowns short of a circus? It's business as usual in the land of the Silver and Black. Clowns always abounded in Oakland, except before the clowns were mean and could play football.

What is scarier then an angry, vicious, mean clown dressed as a pirate?

Lately Al Davis acts, and looks a bit, like Phil Spector.

Sadly, both of those bizarre transplanted Gotham boys' best hits were long ago and far away. Almost in another life. It must seem a dream to aging Al.

Somehow, Wall of Sound and Raider renown seem like they morphed into a muddled maze of madness.

Lame duck Lane Kiffin crawled into his shell against the Bills and tried to win with an ultra-conservative game plan to hold a second half lead. Like most things in Raider land it blew up in his face.

But the coach doesn't care; he just wants fired. Lane wants his end. And he wants to get paid.

Shifty eyed Robbie Ryan would gladly chop off a few digits, preferably Lane's but his own if necessary, for the head job. As the Chinese say, be careful what ye ask for, ye just might get it. 

Something must be seriously wrong with Kiffin's brain, as it's rumored he wants to become the coach of the sad sack Syracuse Orange. After enduring the torturous mind games of the cheaply vicious Al Davis, Kiffin longs to coach the perhaps the worst college football team in the land? From sunny California to snowy Syracuse.

By the horns of wicked Loki, Lane smells like a strange sadist. Perhaps he craves punishment, or perhaps he just wishes to flee as far as possible from vengeful, angry Al.

Either way, be wary Lane: Al is an Orange Alum and will seek you out even under eight feet of Onondaga snow.

7] Chicago Bears [1-2]

So close to 3-0.

Two big blown leads two weeks in a row. Timid coaching, dumb plays, stupid penalties, a sub-par offensive line, a below average QB, and a defense that looks badly worn already—and it's only week four.

This team is teetering on the brink of another collapse. If the Philadelphia Eagles' Jim Johnson's defense blitzes and batters the Bears into an embarrassing Soldier Field slaughter this team could crash and burn.

The Bears looked good against the Indianapolis Colts. Alas, Bear fans, the Colts are not that good.

It's a big Bear week. The Bears stand on the precipice. A win puts them at 2-2 and a loss at Sad Sack Seven climbing 1-3.

Jacksonville Jack will be back to the Sad Sack Seven. Sure the Jacksonville Jaguars snatched a sneaky victory from the Colts, but his ultra-conservative play calling almost cost the Jags a victory.

In the red zone late in the fourth quarter, Del Rio declined to put his boot on the Colts' collective throats—that is, go for a game-clinching TD that would put his Jags up by two scores—instead Del Rio settled for a field goal and a six-point lead.

And Peyton Manning almost bit him again. Only luck let the Jags steal the victory in the final seconds. Like every other year, this conservative play will cost the Jags a Super Bowl shot and assure Jacksonville Jack a spot in the Sad Sack Seven.

A Jaguar doesn't change its spots.


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