Head Coach Interview with Dolphins Goes Poorly

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Head Coach Interview with Dolphins Goes Poorly

The Miami Dolphins gave a surprise interview to a little-known candidate and may have regretted it. By all accounts, things did not go well.

Bill "Bud" Spencer, running backs coach at Shithead State, said "I don't think I got the job.

"First, you know when you read about an interview and the guy says, 'I was just honest' or 'I'm too dumb to lie,' or something charming? Well, I didn't do that. I lied and puffed myself up to be this great guy that I'm nowhere near being, and I think they saw through that. I padded my resume something fierce. I said I coached five years at Notre Dame even though I just drove by it on the interstate. Apparently they check up on stuff like that.

"I dropped a couple names to get out of it, but it turned out Jeff Ireland, the new guy in charge there, knew them personally. So he asked me a couple follow-up questions and I had to admit I didn't know those people at all, and that he had caught me in a prevarication. That didn't seem to go over well. I decided to crack a joke.

"Hey, I saw a bunch of chicken bones in the waiting room—what, were you just talking to a Rooney Rule candidate? Ha ha,get it?

"There was an uncomfortable silence. So Bill Parcells says, 'What's your opinion on the spread offense?' I poked him in his ample gut and said, 'I don't know, but THIS spread is pretty offensive.' He slapped my hand away and looked annoyed.

"Wayne Huzienga mentioned he was a Christian and I screamed at him, 'You worship a false God sir, and that's all I'll say on the matter.'

"Next they asked me if I preferred 3-4 or 4-3. I said I liked the 3-4: three shots of Jack and four beer chasers! They said, all concerned like, 'you're not a drunk are you,' and I looked them in the eye and said, 'as the Good Lord is my witness, on the grave of my beloved mother, may I die and go to Hell if I'm lying, I haven't had a drink in five years.'

"At that point they produced the bartender from the Flanigans down the street from the stadium and he showed my credit card receipt showing that I'd pounded five pints of Killian Red shortly before the interview.

"I stood up and said 'I may be a boozehound but I don't do drugs! I wish there was a drug-testing kit here right now so I could take one.' Well, it turns out they DID have a drug test right there, and I came up positive for 47 different substances, including twelve designer versions of ecstasy, a rare peyote cactus grown in Equitorial Guinea, and heroin sold only by the Moscow Mafia family.

"It went downhill from there."

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