Welcome once again to the series that has made me groan and lose faith in Hollywood more times than Paris Hilton's last movie.
These are The Five Most Ridiculous (Fictional) Sports Movies of All-Time, and I'm glad to say that the countdown's nearly over. For the past four articles, we've discussed every clichés, plot holes, and acting faux pas that made those movies the anti-classics we've come to playfully hate but secretly love.
This time, I'm picking on an Academy Award-winning film, an iconic movie that made Sylvester Stallone a legend and Talia Shire...uh, that chick who played Adrian.
On the surface, it would appear that I've lost my mind. In reality, people have parodied and inadvertently laughed at this movie (and subsequent series) for a reason.
In "Rocky", the title character, Rocky Balboa (played by—yeah, like you don't know?) is a bum, a hired goon for a loan shark and a part-time boxer who gets his jollies punching dead cows and being yelled at by geriatric trainers who spend their time telling Rocky he's the worst boxer ever.
Rocky is barely known even in the Philadelphia's (his hometown) semi-pro boxing circuits, but he's always had a glint in his eye, clearly obscured by that borderline retarded look on his face that's present FOR THE ENTIRE MOVIE, you know the look?
Right. That's the one.
When heavyweight champion Apollo Creed (played by that guy who was Chubbs in "Happy Gilmore") lays his eyes on Rocky, he immediately recognizes that glint (or just goes "now there looks like a moron I can wail on for a few minutes").
For some reason, be it cockiness, charity, or for the advancement of a plot that would have gone freaking nowhere had this not happened, Creed decides he wants to fight Rocky.
You know, to show the world that a finely trained professional boxer with years of experience at the highest level has what it takes to beat up on a chubby, low-income Guido from Philly.
Rocky thinks about it, because you know, this is the heavyweight champion of the world after all, with fists like cinder blocks...who can probably kill you.
But, since he wants to make something of himself, Rocky accepts the challenge and the following 60 minutes or so are a collection of montages and telling his girlfriend Adrian that he loves her while she just gasps and is on the verge of crying the whole time.
It is now the big night. Rocky says goodbye to his woman forever and has a will written out in which he bequeaths his lifetime supply of hair grease to Adrian's brother, Paulie.
To the sound of a thundering crowd, Rocky walks toward the ring and is met by boos and chuckles at the sight of his man-boobs.
Then, Apollo makes an entrance rivaled only by those short shorts he wears (good lord) and taunts Rocky mercilessly, saying stuff like "Haha, you're overweight, chump!" and "Haha, I'm going to defeat you soundly, chap!" (Creed is not British)
However, in the first rounds Rocky comes out firing and after Creed is shown not to take the fight seriously at first by dancing around and pawing at him (seriously, couldn't he have just fought a child to do this?), the champ gets angry when Rocky knocks him down.
In the middle rounds, Creed amps it up and starts to wail on Rocky, who begins to realize that pride or no, maybe fighting the heavyweight champion of the world wasn't such a "what the hell, why not?" type of decision.
At this point, after he's been slapped around harder than a hysterical yelling woman in a 1930's type setting, Rocky's trainer continues to berate him, telling him he's done and that if he gets out now, he can lead a comfortable life as a vegetable connected to a bunch of tubes.
Balboa disobeys and fights back, countering Creed's every punch with one of his own, until both fighters launch a devastating blow at the same time and then the movie freezes so you don't really know what happ—wait, no—that's not until another sequel.
As the fight ends, the audience recognizes Rocky as a great fighter and there's even some concern that Creed will lose the fight. Heartbreakingly, boxing judges are revealed to be easily corruptable and rather than destroy the career of a cash-cow like Creed, give him the decision.
For some reason, Rocky's cauliflower shaped ear mishears this as a victory and he starts yelling out for his woman as they embrace and triumphant music plays. Because, you know—he lost to the heavyweight champion of the world.
Like everyone expected him to.
Then he made five other movies that are even more ridiculous than this one.
Someday, Rockys II-VI. Someday.
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