Valentine's Day is a day for lovers. It is also a day for Hallmark to reap millions of dollars for a made up holiday. So, let me get this straight, I have to drop some coin on a random day to celebrate my love for my significant other?
I just held her purse for two hours last Saturday as we shopped; I am done proving my love. But as you will see, some athletes have too much love in their heart to sit idle. No, they must take pen to paper and deliver warm words of poetry.
I'll bet you never knew that Tim Duncan did more than sit on the bench with a blank stare on his face or that Ron Artest was a gifted wordsmith...
Well, here is my Valentine's gift from me to you. A list of athletes and their poems, if they had my ability to compose of course.
Ron Artest is a cuckoo bird with a heart of gold. If you don't believe me, read this treasured ode.
Crazy is a word I just can not spell,
for reals, I never learned to read that well.
But Crazy is an emotion I know how to feel.
It is easy, like a Kwame Brown steal.
So please say yes to my Valentine's plans,
if you say no I will rush up the stands.
It is one thing to hit the snot out of players, but James wears his heart on his sleeve in this poem.
I sacked you so good, you were concussed for weeks.
I did it from love, I just ate some leeks...
I did not use leeks for the purpose of rhyme
leeks are delicious, so is a dash of thyme.
I hit you so hard you pooped your pants
Now let's go get dinner and maybe we can dance.
Hitting fools on the field is sorta my thang
but so is loving you, do you know what I meang?
Leaving a loved one is never easy, but if you have to, do it with some grace.
It has been nice and real, just not nice and real enough
they say love is work, well this is just too tough.
I am leaving you, but it's fine because I am great.
Don't worry about me I will be fine. It is fate.
I would have loved to stay if I weren't too good for you
But I am and you're not, so Cleveland...sucks to be you.
Side note: Normally rhyming you with you would draw the ire of poet laureates, but LeBron is a genius with words. Just ask him.
When you take away his basketball talent, Tim Duncan leaves you with a personality better suited for a mannequin.
I love you so much, can't you tell by my blank stare?
My look is mistaken for creepy with love in the air.
I cannot smile or laugh without you nearby.
Actually, I can't do either with you by my side.
It's not that I don't love you or you are not that fly.
It's because I am just a really fantastically boring guy.
Chad will be getting married shortly. That should be awkward as he is still utterly in love with himself.
Oh, If I could, I would run away with you.
But I am in love with myself,
What's a wide receiver to do?
You might be fine and just my type.
But have you seen myself lately,
If you have, you will believe the hype.
I am great on a route but better in bed.
If you need references,
just ask myself and I'll tell you what I said.
Me, myself and I are the only three,
I can make room for you,
just after I am done with me.
Sometimes another Lakers player is allowed to shoot the rock. This time comes when Kobe is on the bench.
Who told you to shoot?
Didn't you know it's my team?
Who told you to shoot?
In case you haven't noticed, Chris Bosh still plays in the NBA. He is on that Heat team everyone is talking about.
Fine, look at the other guys, but I am standing right here.
I am tall and can score although my contributions are not clear.
I may not be the best or brightest or even second fiddle,
but third best is just as good with me in the middle
I can not stand on my own and make our love the best,
but my two BFF's are here and they are better than the rest
So remember my name, it is Christopher Bosh the first.
I'll be the one in the back, at least I'm not the worst.
There is one woman that can make any athlete swoon. Her name is Kim Kardashian, and she is a goddess.
We like big butts and one in particular.
In fact, any rump makes us think of her.
Kim Kardashian has the goods to make us three fawn,
but love is fleeting, now that ass is gone.
She went from Reggie Bush to Miles to Humphries, a dating Blitzkrieg
What's next, someone from the developmental league?
There is no booty like hers on this planet earth
It takes three men to handle its girth.
Brett Favre may not be the most subtle of Don Juans. If you draw his attention, he will let you know...trust me.
I am sending you my love by picture phone.
My love is constant and hard like a stone.
You may want to send my love to NFL officials,
but please don't, the ramifications will be financial.
Let's keep this thing between us, please answer my call.
Why don't you call me back, don't you recognize my Southern drawl?
If you tell anyone I will deny it. Seriously...If you say one freaking thing about this I will just about admit to nothing...Just pick up the damn phone already!
Do not cross Dan Gilbert. If you do, he will place a team on the court to rival the worst in history.
So you are gonna pack up and leave.
Now you leave me and a city to grieve.
Well I am better off without you and so is my team.
By better I mean worse, this is what I mean.
I hate you and will end your career just after we lose another game.
We have Antawn Jamison and he is not the least bit lame.
Sure he is not as talented or even that great in the NBA
but he is tall and this is as good as we are gonna play.
Love is hard enough without trust. Here is Tiger's plea for all you love birds to be a little more trusting of one another. If not, you may stir up some trouble.
I love you and only you, you have to know this is true.
Don't check my phone, don't you trust me boo?
Those other girls are just friends, amigos and pals
I only have love for you not the other 30 gals.
I am trustworthy, a rock, faithful till the end,
There is nothing that could happen that we can't mend.
As you will see, there is not much that John Daly does not love. Exercise may just be the only thing he hates.
I love burritos and beer and smoking and ribs.
I love anything that would constitute dressing in bibs.
I love women and burgers and women and fries.
I love Hometown Buffet even more than other guys.
I love eating and gorging and sitting down to meals.
Snacking is fine if it comes with burger combo deals.
Taco Bell is an appetizer to my love for you.
Slap me a pasta dinner, in fact slap me with two.
Jerry Sloan is an easy going guy...just as long as you follow his blueprint for success.
Run the damn play, okay I'm sorry I love you.
But do what I say or this day you will rue.
You are not the first to hear my demands
You are the first to take to your own plans.
I will give you a hug and handle the team with grace,
but if you don't do what I say, I'll punch you in the face.
Brian Wilson is a colorful character that recently introduced us to his buddy The Machine. That would be the guys dressed in a submissive garb in the back.
Me and The Machine are just chilling at my home
You can't be too kinky when you are all alone.
That is why I have my friend dressed in black.
He is tall and menacing with a leather mask.
If he scares you good, he scares me too.
But scary is awesome when you have a party for two.
So come on down to my house of wacky.
Leather is sexy, not the least bit tacky.
Valentine's is here, love is in the air.
I brought my buddy with black underwear.
Alex Rodriguez has never received the love that one of the best in the game should. He has the stats to be considered the best of all-time, yet he is vilified. That makes him a sad panda.
Why don't you like me?
I'm a real nice guy.
I may be aloof and bush,
but sometimes I try.
I can hit during the spring
and sometimes in the fall.
But in the month of October,
my homers hit off the wall.
I may have taken steroids but all that is done.
Why don't you like me, I can be sorta fun?
Big Ben took the Steelers to the Super Bowl. Isn't time we forget his past legal troubles? Ben seems to think so.
Let's put the past behind us and just move on,
the past is the past now let's have some fun.
We all make mistakes some more than others.
All women would love me, if I had my druthers.
But some don't so I will convince you youngsters until you do.
Wait where are you going, promise not to sue?
Dennis Rodman is the best rebounder to ever grab a board in the NBA. He is also one of the weirdest cats to ever dawn an NBA uniform.
So we had one magical night together and I love you, I confess.
Now go to your doctor and get some sort of test.
There is nothing to worry about, nothing to fear,
but even I have to admit I look a little weird.
I have a tattoo for every woman I took home
Also a piercing for every peculiarity that I own.
Sean Avery famously quipped that another NHL player got his 'sloppy seconds.' Here is some much needed insight into what that means.
So you want to know what Sloppy Seconds means
Well it is exactly what it seems.
Its chowing down on a burger at dinner one night,
Just after I had a rather substantial bite.
It's buying a used car, maybe a Chevy
Right after I drove the clutch pretty heavy.
Let me tell you exactly, I will give a name to the game,
It's dating Elisha Cuthbert, after I did the same.
Manny plays to the beat of his own drummer. Okay, the man is a little nuts...but in a good way.
Manny being Manny is what they always say,
that just means I play my own weird way.
I'll cut the ball from left field in an important game.
I will leave the field mid-inning so you think I'm strange.
It is all excused because I hit a ton
Now it's the Rays turn to have some fun.
Love is fine when its a little crazy
Manny plays hard when he isn't being lazy.
Never take your eyes off or you'll miss a Manny highlight.
I make baseball watchable by not playing the game right.
Derek Jeter has been with every hot woman in the planet. Bow down and honor the master.
I'm Derek Jeter
I don't need poetry
You wish you were me