Bent, Gerrard, Drogba And More: The Most Inane EPL Headlines Of The Week
Here’s the thing—writers need to make a living. They need to put bread on the table, coal in the stove, oil in the lamps and clothes on the backs of whatever ungrateful spawnlings may be haunting the mildew-choked corners of their rickety shacks.
The problem is, when you’re writing about something like soccer, there’s only so much you can write. There are only so many teams, only so many players, only so many matches per week.
It’s not politics and it's not human interest drivel. It will not affect whether or not North Korean launches a nuke and it doesn’t have much to do with child slave soldiers in Africa.
But for the love of all things scared, can we curtail the inanity just a smidge? Here is a sampling of some of the most moronic, pointless, WTF headlines to hit the EPL between game weeks 26 and 27.
“Wolves Defender Zubar: Disappointed Arsenal Will Want to Make Up for Newcastle
This head-slapping stupid headline from the fiendishly fun but notoriously hyperbolic website Goal.com can be translated to lay English thus: “Wolves bummed they suck and face the second best team in the league.”
Or perhaps: “Wolves defense crapping its pants at the thought of Walcott and Van Persie running amok all over it.”
Now, credit where credit is due. Zubar, whoever the hell that is, actually did express disappointment regarding the extenuating circumstances surrounding his side’s clash with the Gunners. But is it newsworthy?
Imagine a similar headline, from the world of politics: “Nazi Commander Hitler ‘Disappointed’ England Will Want to Make Up For Bombing Raids.”
"Bent Aware Of Battle Ahead"
This is one of the many vacuous headlines populating the official Premier League website this week. What’s so startling inane about this is the idiocy of its message.
Again, Bent did recently express his awareness of the tough fights he and his Villa compatriots will be undertaking in an effort to salvage something from the squad’s train wreck of a season. But once more we must ask, is it newsworthy?
Darren Bent is a professional footballer with six years Premier League experience. He has been on a number of struggling teams, including a pre-renaissance Tottenham and a relegated Charlton Athletic side.
Taking all of this into account, Bent would have to be a front runner for 'Biggest Goddamn Moron of the Year' if he didn’t know he would facing an uphill fight in moving to Villa.
“Bruce Looking For Bent Replacement”
Another official Premier League site space usurper, this headline is actually somewhat confusing. Taken at face value, it is one of the more “No shit Sherlock” statements in recent memory.
One can only presume that first line of the article is: “After losing one of the most prolific goal scorers in the league, otherwise mediocre team seeks replacement.” The only more startling headline would be: “Bruce Not Looking to Replace Bent, Content to Twiddle Thumbs and Sip Tea."
Thing is, there’s more than meets the eye with this one, because, as you or may not know, Bent is currently dating Bruce’s daughter. Uh oh! That must have been awkward in the locker room.
Bent: So I was playing hide the weasel this weekend…
Enter Bruce (that's what she said...)
Bent: My bad.
“Wilshere Glad First England Start Ended As A Victory”
Another winner from Goal.com.
What’s that? A teenager expresses excitement that his first England cap ends in a win? Are you freakin' kidding me?!
No, but seriously, are you freakin’ kidding me? We all known that little Jacky is a vocal guy and has no problem taking to Twitter to let the world know what he’s thinking. But this is mind-numbingly inane.
Here begins the petition of football fans the world over: spare us the trouble of actually having to read something so blatantly moronic and simply post a picture of Wilshere in an England jersey next to an enormous smiley face and the score line for the match.
“Gerrard to Face Wigan After England Absence”
This gem of a headline is from the Telegraph. Let’s break it down.
Fact: Liverpool play Wigan this coming weekend.
Fact: Liverpool and England captain Steven Gerrard did not play against Denmark today.
However, slapping two facts together hardly makes a fascinating headline. In fact, a more interesting headline would be one exploring one of these facts in depth, a la “Gerrard Misses England Match: What Does It Mean?” or “Gerrard Prepares for Wigan.”
Apparently the headline is meant to remind us all that Steven Gerrard will be fresh and well rested for the Reds’ clash with Wigan on the weekend, though why we need reminding that one of the world’s best midfielders is prepared to face a squad that a team of well-drilled monkeys could defeat is unclear.
This headline is inanity in its purest form.
"Drogba Can't Explain Dip in Form"
Meanwhile, back on the official EPL website, Chelsea superstar Didier Drogba is at a loss for words when asked why his form has suffered so during the 2010-11 season.
Now, to be fair, Didier no doubt feels the vengeful presence of his agent, publicist, bank account and Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich and whatever shady Russian mafia figures that may be lurking in his pockets at any given moment hovering but a few inches over his head when he answers questions like this.
So, in an effort to clear the air, we will offer some threads of thought that may help unravel this warped Gordian knot of a riddle:
He had malaria.
To reiterate, he had malaria.
He is old.
His teammates are playing like crap.
Ancelotti has exhibited zero tactical elasticity this season. When the Blues’ diamond formation doesn’t work, he throws up his hands and hangs up his boots.
“I Would Sign Porto Striker Hulk for United – Anderson”
Oh Goal.com, how we love thee.
Manchester United’s Brazilian midfielder Anderson Luís de Abreu Oliveira has publicly stated that he would sign Hulk were he Alex Ferguson.
Well, um, don’t how to break this to you Anderson, but you, just like Arséne Wenger, are not Alex Ferguson.
Why? Because, among other things, you don’t seem the type of bloke that would eat your own offspring if the occasion called for it. But then, Saturn was willing to do that and now he’s got a planet named after him, so there are positives and negatives to every situation.
Secondly, we have to assume that Anderson and Hulk (Givanildo Vieira de Souza) are buddies because they’re both Brazilian footballers in their early 20’s living in Europe.
And lastly…um, who wouldn’t sign the freakin Hulk?! He can turn into a huge, green, infuriated monster and Hulk smash the ball into the back of the net with ease.
“Handing West Ham Keys Would Be 'Cowardly'
This Telegraph headline isn’t inane in and of itself—it’s reporting on the Olympic Stadium bid, which is big news. What’s inane, or, more appropriately, moronic to the point of being offensive, about this headline is that Lord Alan Sugar has called awarding the bid to West Ham and not Tottenham "weak and cowardly."
Thus we must assume that someone at Tottenham or closely associated with the organization is either lining Sugar’s lordly pockets with pure sterling or performing unmentionable feats in exchange for public outrage.
Putting aside the fact that this writer is a West Ham fan (and believes, mind you, that neither one of these teams should get the stadium), calling a decision regarding a sport “weak and cowardly” is so completely insipid it’s almost difficult to describe.
Perhaps if the Olympic Stadium Committee had turned a blind eye as racially motivated crimes took place, it would be weak and cowardly. Had succumbed to bribery or threats, it would be weak or cowardly. Had allowed great injustices such as war and genocide to occur, it would be weak and cowardly.
But to complain about allowing a team that is based in the same neighborhood a stadium is built in, a team with more than a century of tradition in that neighborhood, the use of that stadium is just plain ****ing stupid.