Tuscaloosa, AL — In a recent GQ article, embattled Crimson Tide coach Nick Saban revealed that an ongoing and irreconcilable dispute with the Miami Dolphins wardrobe staff, not a looming offer from Alabama, was the deciding factor in his hasty departure from South Beach.
"These things linger on and you do your best to keep it in the background," said Saban, dressed in Hugo Boss linen slacks and Armani cotton button down for the interview. "Nobody told me my ass looked fat in those pants. Do I have to do it all? Do I have to let these people know I spend most of an afternoon with half a stadium staring right at my backside?"
The coach went on to stress the finer points of sideline style.
"It's all about the tailoring, the little details like the hem and the way the pants fall," he said. "How the hell do you think I felt when I heard it over the headphones from the offensive coordinator that my ass looked like a giant, gelatinous ball of south Florida Jell-0?
"I had a couple of retirees staring at my hindquarters like I was dessert at the end of one of those casino buffets."
Saban also recounted the moment at which he knew it was time for a change.
"You know your time is short when they lay out argyle for home games," the coach said. "Not only is that look hard to pull off—but, Jesus H., man...this if Miami! Your feet will shrink like a voodoo priestess got hold of them"
Saban adamantly denied a lingering rumor that Alabama's steadfast stand against his wearing of the houndstooth hat may have caused vacillation between the two jobs as details were worked out.
"Never happened—we never discussed it and it was never an issue," Saban asserted. "I was perfectly happy to continue wearing the headphone/visor combo I made popular at Miami.
"It hasn't caught on yet but, man, when it does, the residuals are going to hefty. We've got a deal worked out with Reebok."