Hey fatties, this is Peter Griffin stepping in for Kat B.
Apparently she’s held up in court getting a restraining order against Quagmire, so she asked me to recap the first half of the NHL season.
Wait…what? You mean this isn’t about the Red Sox? There’s no free porn or beer involved? Screw this!
[Peter leaves, returns several minutes later]
Apparently Lois’ parents are visiting, and I’d rather be here writing about this so-called Hoc-key than have her dad use me as target practice for pheasant hunting.
Again.
So let’s do this bitch.
New Jerseys
No, I’m not talking about the Devils, which are more brutal to watch than Meg in the Bikini part of the Miss Average Teen Quahog pageant. I mean the jerseys that the league decided were necessary to make the game faster, more skilled, whatever.
Even when I’m not drunk out of my tree, this sport is too fast to follow. Do the players really need to wear clothes tighter than Britney Spears’ straitjacket, just so they can skate 0.000002 seconds faster
- B/R Ticket Guide
Philadelphia Flyers
I never accept coupons from guys in chicken suits, and I never liked Flyers from Philadelphia. These guys are dirtier than Quagmire after a four-day bender in Tijuana. Shame on you, Flyers, for sullying the reputation of the city that gave us the Liberty Bell, Rocky Balboa, and the greatest cheesesteak that will ever clog your bowels.
Outdoor Classic/The Ice Bowl
So they played a game of hockey.
Outside.
It was cold.
…
Am I missing something here? Why would anyone get excited about a game between two average teams played in the freezing cold? Especially when there were much more delicious bowls to watch: the Sugar Bowl, Tostitos Fiesta bowl, Chili bowl, KFC bowl…
[Peter leaves, returns several minutes later with a bowl of Chunky Seafood Chowder]
Where was I? Oh, yeah...
So all these hockey fanatics went nuts over some kid that looks like a man/horse halfbreed scoring on a goalie who probably couldn’t see the puck through the blizzard.
Seems like something only those wacky Canadian lumberjacks would care about. I’m surprised it hasn’t been done before. Wait a minute...
NHL Expansion to Quahog
OK, so this hasn’t happened—yet. But me and the guys have been putting a team together, and we actually beat Chris’ highs chool team last week. Joe’s been pretty bad in goal, but apparently some team called the Leafs is interested in him. They say he’s better than whoever they have now. Whatever floats your boat.
All we have to do to get a franchise is round up a few million dollars—which will be tough because Mayor West just raised taxes to pay for his solid-SPAM fortress that is supposed to protect him from the Gremlins and Rosie O’Donnell. Looks like that Survivor-creating, Amazing Race-pushing, Pirate-lover Jerry Bruckhiemer is going to get the next franchise.
Whatever. I’m off to meet the guys at the Clam and talk about some real sports.
Peace,
Peter Griffin
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