Dear Jim Tressel...How Do You Like 'Dem Apples?

To: The Ohio State University Athletics Department

From: Ron Johnson, Senior Writer, Bleacher Report

RE: Bourbon Street Beating Incident

Dear Coach Tressel:

Well, it’s déjà vu all over again for you, isn’t it Jim Tressel? It feels like I’ve done a ‘Dem Apples column on you before. It’s almost like the sports gods get a kick out of serving your beloved university an arsenal of quips and wisecracks. But there’s one thing I want to know, coach: How do you like ‘Dem Apples so far?

Yes, here we are again in familiar territory, Jim. The players and stars may have changed, but you still remain a choke artist. Here we were thinking that maybe, just maybe, you learned your lesson from last season’s ending debacle. You remember that scene, right? It was the scene that had members of the Florida Gators football team holding up newspapers that said, “GATORS WIN!!” It was the scene that had Troy Smith slumped over, hanging his head in shame after winning the Heisman and showing that his win was indeed a fluke. It was a limping, injured Ted Ginn, Jr. on crutches as the orange and blue confetti covered Phoenix Cardinal Stadium in Tempe. Yes, those were some good times, weren’t they?

Let’s fast forward to a year later, shall we? Different team. Different opponent. Different outlook. Same result. It turns out that it wasn’t just luck or the wrath of the sports gods working against you. Last night, Todd Boeckman looked like a kid who forgot what a football looked like. Beanie Wells tried to keep pace, but couldn’t keep up with everybody else. Your Buckeyes looked like a pee wee football team that was just happy to be in the situation that you were in last night. Honestly, I feel worse for my brother in Arizona. You remember him, Jim? He was the guy that was in the stands that night that your beloved Ohio State University was set to win another championship. He hadn’t felt lower than knowing that he had to endure a year of me rubbing it in that my Gators beat his Buckeyes not once, but twice in 2007 for the ultimate prize in college sports. Now he has to hear it from my friends, who happen to be LSU fanatics.

Last night, Jim, the scene was the same as last year. There were members of the LSU Tigers football team holding up newspapers that said, “TIGERS WIN!!!” Boeckman was slumped over, hanging his head in shame after an impressive showing against Mike Hart and the Michigan Wolverines. It was a Beanie Wells, obviously sore from running as hard as he could to keep your team in the game, feeling like it was all for nothing. But the biggest one of all was when the purple and yellow confetti began to rain down on Death Valley, Jr. and cover the stadium in New Orleans.

Yes, some things never change, do they Jim? It has become apparent that your time at Ohio State, though electric with conference wins, championships, and big victories over your rival Michigan, has left many a fan crying themselves to sleep. I am happy with the thought that there is a chance at redemption next season, but then again, I am saddened by it. Do you really want to even try next season? You could always pull a Cam Cameron and throw in the towel even before the first game in the recruiting session. Then again, you could be like Bobby Petrino and call it quits in the middle of mediocrity in Atlanta. Besides, the Miami Dolphins are looking for a new coach, and they figured if they put their fate in the hands of one village idiot, why not a similar village idiot with several national title appearances under his belt?

In the spirit of competition, it helps if both combatants fight to the end. It’s great when both gladiators leave it all on the field from start to finish. But if LSU wanted an easy victory, they would have gone undefeated this season instead of losing in triple overtime twice. It’s apparent that the Tigers were better than you last night…just as the Gators were better than you last year. There is a bright side, though. If you learned anything from these two losses it’s this: You can’t beat the SEC. Period. You lost to the SEC three times in 2007 and 2008.

Don’t follow? Call Ron Zook, and ask him where he got tougher. Nine times out of ten, he’ll say Florida. You lost to Florida on that fateful night of January 8, 2007. You lost to Zook’s Illinois team during the final stretch of 2007. Then, it all culminated when you got served by Les Miles’ LSU Tigers last night. It’s clear that no matter how hard you try, the SEC is more prepared for Ohio State than Ohio State is prepared for the SEC. The only bonus is that you don’t play them during the regular season, and the only time you have to see the smiles of the Southeastern Conference is when they are hoisting up another trophy against you and your “Mighty Buckeyes.”

That plan didn’t work, now did it? You had the game film from last year. You should have known what to expect from that evil conference down south. But you chose to play it your way, and what do you have to show for it? Two losses to the SEC for the Championship, two straight losses in the Super College Bowl, and three losses to the SEC in a span of 12 months. As for the school itself, they got three losses to the SEC for the National Championship in a span of 12 months to show for “all their hard work.” I think I’ll save Jim Rome the trouble and say that you have gotten soft at your old age. I remember when you were tougher, Jim. What happened to that? The SEC loves to play smashmouth football. How do you think we got so many games on Sportscenter? But I guess you’ll never know about that because I tried to warn you about the trouble your team was in against Florida, but you didn’t listen.

So with that being said, Jim, I have to ask the question that most of my fellow Bleacher Report colleagues are wanting to ask you after last night:

“Coach Tressel, your team got outmatched, outplayed, outwitted, outclassed, and above all else, outfanned by the new National Champions. LSU took everything you had and used it against you. Coach, how do you like ‘Dem Apples?”

Enjoy your offseason. Something tells me that it’s going to be a little longer than usual.

With Deepest Something,

Ron Johnson

Bleacher Report

At press time, Mr. Tressel was unavailable for comment. If you find him passed out in a bar on Bourbon Street, inform him that his team has flown back to Columbus and left his ticket with the hotel receptionist. Thanks and congratulations again to the LSU Tigers, the 2007 BCS National Champions!!

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