If gambling were legal, rest assured just about all of the 100 million people watching on Sunday could find a wager to their liking during the Super Bowl.
Simply known as props, there are hundreds to choose from, and many have as much relevance to the game as Brett Favre. So if you have a ticket to Vegas handy (or slightly more convenient, an Internet connection), here are some five-star, stone-cold, mortal locks to risk your Valentine’s Day budget on that’s almost-kinda-guaranteed to produce a positive return on investment. I think.
Over/Under, 1:50: Length of Christina Aguilera's National Anthem
Aguilera peaked about four years ago and therefore needs to hoard as much time as possible.
Over/Under, Six Seconds: Length of "Brave" in Aguilera's National Anthem
Odds, 3:1: Aguilera Wears Cowboy Hat
Not sure on this one, but it does beg this question: What would prevent Christina from shooting over to Vegas and having one of her people plop down a few million on wearing a hat?
Seriously. It’s foolproof. Right?
Odds, 10:1: Fergie Wears "Abbreviated Apparel" on Lower Body at Halftime; Odds, 5:1: Fergie Is Dressed as Cowboys Cheerleader
Google “Wardrobe Malfunction” and “FCC fine” and you’ll see that NO ONE will be wearing anything remotely provocative outside during the halftime show. The better news here is that the NFL was finally brave enough to feature a band whose members weren’t born before World War II.
Over/Under, 3: FOX Cuts to Live Look of Jerry Jones
Under, unless the next betting scenario occurs.
Odds, 10:1: A Punt Hits Cowboy Stadium's Massive Video Board
As cool as that would be, the relatively low-hanging scoreboard never became an issue since it was dinged in the 2009 preseason. But at 10/1, it might be worth a few bucks.
Over/Under, 2.5: Fox Mentions of Brett Favre
There may be an incentive clause in Joe Buck’s contract to mention Favre multipletimes, and if the Packers win (which they will, but more on that in a moment), expect the number of mentions to jump into the six-to-seven range.
Odds, 3:2 (Yellow) and 10:1 (Blue): Gatorade Color Dumped on Winning Head Coach
Again, like Aguilera, if you’re the water boy for the Packers or Steelers and you’re tired of living off making $24,000, why not just fill all containers with the blue stuff and wire some cash on Saturday in advance to a buddy in Vegas?
Odds, 1:1 (God), 2:1 (Teammates), 3:1 (Nobody), 4:1 (Family), 9:1 (Coach): Who Will Super Bowl MVP Thank?
Gotta go with the big guy on this one (despite Jerry Jones closing the roof, thereby cutting off HIS view). God invariably wins out in these situations, and unless someone like Aaron Rodgers is somehow related to Bill Maher, even money sounds about right.
Over/Under, 46.0: Nielsen TV Rating
Great stat to share: The Packers have never trailed by seven points at any point in the season. That’s just insane. To that end, a blowout isn’t in the cards and therefore will keep this rating high. Couple the fact there will continue to be crappy weather across the country, and you have an even higher amount of non-NFL fans watching the game. Last year was the most-watched broadcast in television history. This year’s Bowl will continue that distinction.
And of course, there’s the game that promises to be as entertaining as the ones we’ve been blessed with the past three years.
How many times have you heard this over the past week?: “I can’t get a feel for this game whatsoever.”
Having said that, I'm no different. This is like trying to pick a favorite character on Jersey Shore: There are no clear options.
Both the Steelers and Packers have good defenses and top quarterbacks. The running games are even thanks to the emergence of the Pack’s James Starks. Both have big-play receivers.
Outside of Pittsburgh's experience, there’s really no decided edge for either side, so I’m leaning on this: Aaron Rodgers seems to really flourish on turf in controlled environments. This year alone, Green Bay outscored opponents (all on the road, obviously) 99-51 in domes, including that 48-21 shellacking they put on NFC top-seed Atlanta a few weeks ago.
Another year, another close one: Packers, 27-24.
But more importantly, I’m taking tails on the coin toss.
Joe Concha is a columnist based in Hoboken, NJ and always believes tails never fails. Please send questions or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org