Sam Cassell and the 25 Ugliest Players in NBA History

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In the NBA, the jerseys the players wear don't leave a whole lot to the imagination. We know if they work on their arms, or if they are fat under those tank-tops and shorts. We see their tattoos, their hair styles and their faces.

There are some guys in the league that are total physical specimens and can grace the cover of GQ, but there are some guys in the league that just make you cringe or scream in fright because—that cannot be a real person.

Look at Sam Cassell, he looks like an alien mated with a human and then smashed it's face in with a brick at birth.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I am going about to give you my take on the 25 ugliest players in NBA history. I'm not going to rank them—a few guys on this list have my cell number and I don't want them calling me in the middle of the night.

25. Mark Eaton

The Utah Jazz have has had so many ugly players in their history, I could probably comprise this whole list of ex-Utah Jazz players.

Mark Eaton has to be one of the ugliest men to ever rock the Grizzly Adams beard in the NBA. This picture actually could be the best the man has ever looked—and that is clearly not saying a whole lot.

Actual line he used to pick-up his wife: "I've travelled over 500 miles to plant my seed."

He then dropped his axe, and impregnated his future wife.

24. Russell Westbrook

"Get this ugly mother off me!"
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Sorry Russ, but you're not as talented as Derrick Rose and you are definitely not as attractive as Derrick Rose.

Is it just me or does it look like Westbrook's face is going to melt off a la Raiders of the Lost Ark? When he starts sweating I always think that's going to happen.

23. John Stockton

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Once again another Utah Jazz member and another ugly point guard. Maybe I'm a little bit jaded because he used to battle my Sonics in the playoffs quite frequently and beat them every once in a while.

Gary Payton was definitely attractive and made Stockton look so much worse when they were on the court together. 

At least John had Jeff Hornacek playing next to him to make him look better.

True story: A couple months after the Jazz eliminated the Sonics from the playoffs, my family was visiting my grandma in Spokane and we were at a pizza place. John Stockton and his family were also there. After they were done eating and my family was done eating we started to leave at about the same time. I saw him, pointed him out and my family went up to him and nicely asked for an autograph. John being the nice guy that he is, said yes and proceeded to do so.

Then it came to my turn and he looked at me said, "would you like one too?"

I gave him the coldest possible stare that I could and said, "Not from you." I then walked out of the restaurant and waited by the car.

22. Jeff Hornacek

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Continuing with the ugly Jazz theme. I'm almost done, I swear. There is only one more Jazz player that is going to make the list and he's a little-bit further ahead.

Hornacek though kind of reminds me of the dad from Modern Family.

21. Calvin Booth

I think the pixelation really helps his complexion and makes him look a whole hell of a lot better.

There really isn't a whole lot that mother nature gave him to work with, like say, basketball talent—he couldn't get off my Sonics fast enough.

20. Shelden Williams

One of the greatest mysteries in the world today is how Shelden Williams got Candace Parker to marry him and allow him to consummate the marriage. 

It just makes my head hurt.

Also, Williams falls into the ever-growing class of ugly players that come out of Duke and not do a damn thing in the NBA.

19. Nick Van Exel

Nick Van Exel is one of the streakiest shooters in the history of the game and sadly his looks were never streaky, they were just down right bad.

He had swagger and that is the only reasonable explanation that I can think of for him being able to pull tail. Especially a girl like Tyra Banks. If I was Tyra I would have never touched him, but that's just me.

Well, that and he had millions of dollars.

18. Yao Ming

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I just don't see how this man could ever be considered to be attractive.

I'm sure he's a total catch in his native China, but I'd like to have a shot to talk to the girl first before she commits to a man that is probably going to break his foot getting up in the morning.

17. Tommy Heinsohn

Tommy Heinsohn is a legend in Boston. The man has won championships in Boston and been a broadcaster there for years.

That does not redeem his poor excuse for a face.

No Tommy Points on this one my friend!

16. Bryant "Big Country" Reeves

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Country tough, country strong and country ugly.

This is a man you have to say full name and nickname. Bryant Reeves just doesn't work. Say it once, then follow it up with Bryant "Big Country" Reeves.

See sounds much better.

I think Vancouver would have been better off drafting Ed O'Bannon instead.

15. JIm Mcilvaine

I really wanted to give this spot to a former Sonic, been really missing them today. The guys that I thought about putting here were as follows:

Marty Conlon
Bart Kofoed
Michael Cage
Ricky Pierce
Ervin "Not Magic" Johnson
Vincent Askew

I had to go with Jimmy Mac. The man was rocking a spiked flat top well into the late 90s and that's just not going to get you any chicks—ever. 

14. Ben Wallace

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Ben Wallace was never one to be very attractive in the face. Always a little something wrong.

Sure there are more people that are uglier than him, but he had to make the list. He's one of the ugliest guys I've seen play basketball recently.

Random fact: A few NBA players that I've talked to say he more than makes up for his facial shortcoming in other areas.

"How could I not look? It's like a tripod attached to a redwood!" 

That's an actual quote from a former teammate. 

13. Tyrone "Muggsy" Bogues

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You know how much of a star this man would have been if he was 6'4" and good looking?

12. Vlade Divac

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Vlade is the inventor of the NBA flop and deserves a nice, high spot on this list.

When Vlade first came into the league he wasn't this ugly. This is just what happens after years of elbows and stomps from Shaq and Charles Barkely.

11. Charles Barkley

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Sorry Chuck, but you are one ugly mother...

I won't resort to your type of language even though your face calls for it.

Look at you Chuck, you are definitely no Jason Whitlock.

10. Scottie Pippen

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The no hair look doesn't work for Scottie at all.  Championship trophies don't make you look more attractive.

Just ask Lamar Odom.

Also, did you know Scottie was once traded for #9?

9. Olden Polynice

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Olden Polynice is so ugly that his picture didn't want to load on to the page, it kept getting error after error.

I'm dead serious too. It took me over 15 minutes to find a picture of Olden that would actually work on this page.

Also, when was the last time you thought about Olden Polynice?

You're welcome America.

8. Larry Bird

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He was ugly at Indiana State, he was ugly when he was a Celtic and he's even uglier now that he's a stressed-out old man running a bad franchise.

I can't fault him for making Indiana bad though. Lots of bad luck and the team was never the same when he stopped coaching.

Plus, the man is one of the five greatest basketball players to ever live.

But damn! That's not even a face a mother could love.

7. Gheorghe Muresan

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Poor George. Chicks could never dig him.

6. Pau Gasol

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Pau is a very ugly man, and it doesn't help that he cries all the time and constantly has a look on his face that combines constipation and total sadness.

5. Manu Ginobili

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Alright let's go over the checklist.

Slightly balding? Check.

Big honkin' schnoz? Check.

Awkward facial hair? Check.

Weird looking teeth? Check.

Manages to make Tim Duncan and Tony Parker look GQesque? Check.

4. Tom Chambers

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This spot came down to him or Xavier McDaniel. Tom got the spot because X-Man would probably beat the holy hell out of me and I don't need him to choke me out like he did Wes Matthews.

I like my throat and X-Man is one of my favorite Sonics ever.

3. Tyrone Hill

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I don't know if there is any uglier person to ever enter the NBA.

I think Tyrone got so many rebounds in the NBA simply because people were afraid that his ugly was contagious. He had so much ugly to go around that I could see how other players thought this was possible.

That and David Stern sent word out in the mid '90s that it was contagious.

2. Popeye Jones

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This is what ugly and cocaine will do to a man.

1. Sam Cassell

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We all knew this was coming because his name was in the title and Sam could be one of the ugliest guys to ever grace the hardwood.

Except I have one more for you, but he's not in the NBA yet, but will be next year... probably.

He'll at least make a summer league team and then sit on the bench for most of the year in between stints of the D-League.

You know who I'm thinking of yet?

Kyle Singler

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U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi—you ugly!

Kyle Singler just has a face that you want to hit repeatedly with a brick, then take a bat to it and then finish it off with your fist. Kind of like what Bruce Willis did to that yellow guy in the Sin City?

You know looking at it, Kyle Singler kind of looks like that guy.

http://www.theage.com.au/ffximage/2005/06/09/wbyellow_narrowweb__200x270.jpg

You see a little resemblance right?